HES NOT TUNISIAN BUT HE IS A RAT this story illustrates rat behaviour

Hi Katherine, I completely agree with you; please don't misunderstand me, I only mention the financial and educational (and upbringing actually) factor due to the statistics which speak for themselves; as such I believe it to be a prerequisite, not a guarantee. There are absolutely no guarantees whatsoever - irrespective of where your 'man' comes from. You can get a really decent guy who doesn't have much, but his work ethic is strong and he is basically trying his best and WILL accept your gifts and payment of things from time to time, but will never ask for money outright or expect everything to be given to him on a plate just because he is with a foreigner. He will also be actively looking out to improve his circumstances honestly.

I too had a Tunisian boyfriend when I worked there all these years ago. He actually wasn't rich or exceptionally well educated; he was absolutely gorgeous though and a very hard worker - worked in a very busy shop in PEK all the hours under the sun, especially in the high season. He was loyal and very decent and never cheated on me even when I was off doing a Winter season somewhere else (I spent my first 3 years working in Sousse / PEK / Monastir) We always had to meet relatively late at night due to his working hours; he had no day off in the high season; July and August. In all cases he paid every single penny out of his pocket until basically his salary was done until he was next paid. That is when I stepped in and paid for the rest. I had no qualms whatsoever. I felt this was correct, fair and just. We were both young, both working hard and managed this very well. When I used to come for a new season, I would bring him some clothes and perfume, whiskey (no mobiles in those days LOL) and was very happy to do so. Equally on my birthday he bought me silver jewelery, handbags and once a very slim gold band with CZ one Xmas when I was working there. I came back once for a holiday for a week when I was off in the Winter season before I moved to new and other destinations. He paid for the apartment in PEK whilst I was there. It was never even suggested that I contribute. From my side I brought him some gifts and we then shared (him paying the majority) the rest of the expenses whilst I was there that week.

I have actually met this guy again after all the years since I used to work there - we are both now over 20 years older (LOL). He has married a lovely Tunisian girl, they are very happy, he is now 'quite' religious and has 4 wonderful sons ! She is not the grabbing Tunisian female that is sometimes implied on this site a lot. She is a regular Tunisian lady who is faithful and loyal to her husband, as well as the same religion as him (of course) and from what I can gather a wonderful mother. I am very happy for him and believe he has done well. I believe this is what all men want from their partner at the end of the day wherever they come from. I still believe however it is much easier to achieve success in your marriage / relation when you are both from the same place/background etc even although I am married to an Egyptian.

Just in case you are interested he still has a place in my heart - Tunisia was my first season working overseas and will always be very special for me - it was very clear having met him again after all these years, he feels the same about me. He tried to contact me for over 2 years after I left Tunisia, I wasn't good with him and for that I am sorry and told him so when I met up all these years later. I ignored his calls in Turkey, India, Egypt wherever I went to work during that period, instead of biting the bullet and telling him it was truly OVER and I wouldn't be coming back to Tunisia unless the company I worked for forced me too. He used to call my mum to ensure the number she had given him was correct - my mum really liked him and felt sorry for him going to all this trouble to speak to me - so I was a bit of a Ratess I guess ;-(. Basically the reason for my behavior was numerous but one situation I remember (which again I have now explained to him) I will now talk about.............. sorry possibly very long winded post and rather boring, but it might throw further light for at least someone out there to another difference in mentality and culture that you have to deal with;

After about 3 years of being together (and don't forget I wasn't coming back and forth on holiday, I was living and working there for around 6-10 months at a time before I had a break), we were in love and very faithful to each other. We didn't fight or argue really. There was one time and one time only and funnily enough we mentioned this one fight when we met after all these years. Amazing how we remembered it actually. We were going somewhere by taxi and he had to stop at his family home to pick something up first. I wrongly believed he was going to ask me in and finally introduce me to the family. He didnt! The taxi was told to park around the corner (just in case anyone saw us from his family) and I was told to wait. I really didn't like this at all. I really didn't understand and know what I know now about the mentality either (please bear this in mind) so I basically sat in the car, fumed and waited for him to come back. I felt I wasn't good enough for his family and was VERY insulted. I was a 'good girl' and he had no reason for them to be ashamed of his 'foreign girlfriend' especially after 3 years. You could say despite my age, mentality and naivety I had a bit of a 'light bulb' moment and realized then that this relation wouldn't work. I also wanted to go to other destinations and travel; this was why I had wanted to work in tourism after all. I had already long decided that this was a career for me and not a few seasons here and there working abroad. I knew then I had to be tough and move on as if he couldn't even introduce me after this length of time, when the family knew very well of my existence, for me it wasn't correct and quite frankly not good enough. I was also well aware at this stage of how you can end up 'marrying the family' that also scared me and put me off completely - we had tentatively discussed marriage by this time. On top of all of that, I was young, had my whole life ahead of me and did want to work in other destinations. I had absolutely no intention of marrying in my early 20's anyway.............. So I NEVER met his family in the 3 years we were together. It just wasn't appropriate. I realize and can see that things have changed a lot in Tunisia since the 80's - some good and some not so good - but again I do believe when it comes to core values, any decent Tunisian or their family still hold the same values when you scratch the surface. The main point here is that if they are a 'decent' family, really it will be difficult for them to take you there so if they are immediately doing this, as has been posted time and time again on this site, never mind stay together in the same house, same room.............disaster waiting to happen folks!

One more example which is a bit closer to home, albeit a totally different generation and nationality; My own mother and father came from completely different backgrounds, albeit the same country, religion etc. My father, boarding school privately educated, VERY well off family. My mother, a walking beauty, but very working class (her family were hard workers but had nothing), clean, decent, but not at all educated - I think she left school when she was about 15! Quite simply the marriage broke down after 15 years - it only lasted this long due to my brother and I. Sorry but the same rule of thumb applies to marrying foreigners, especially from countries like Tunisia, it just doesn't work the majority of the time UNLESS the 2 people in question and I do mean BOTH apply a hell of a lot of compromise and sometimes sacrifice. My father wanted to educate my mum, get her back to school and basically 'develop' this walking beauty into something more substantial, for her own good as well as his I may add. She just wasn't interested and only wanted to clean, cook and be a housewife...........bit of a daft example in one way, but at the same time, there is a point here. Many people will say 'well he knew what she was like when he married her, so why did he try and change her', but is that not what we try and do with these foreigners and vice versa???????????

I also want to tell you about one more case; a friend of mine met a very nice Egyptian who does (did) have a strong work ethic (I personally vouched for this as I have seen this of him) and I (sadly) confirmed this to her; I wish I hadn't said a word now . About 10 months after they started seeing each other, he stopped working. Up until that point, she didn't pay a penny for anything, although the places he took her to were cheaper than she would have normally chosen, that is understandable and not the issue - you can only do what you can afford to do. Since then, knowing she has a few bob and yes she is older than him, she has basically gone from the above scenario to paying for everything and only a few days ago he has now asked her for money! She is in a state of shock and frankly I feel guilty! She is very familiar with all the lover rat scenarios (she also worked overseas in tourism for many years but has now changed her field) but is now 'in deep' as they say and through her own admission, is not ready to give him up YET although she knows deep down the score and doesn't know why she is shocked knowing what she knows! I have basically now had to throw the hard punch and tell her that he has gotten used to her now footing the bill for everything so this is the next step for him; entitlement basically and providing he makes her happy and she is getting something out of it, go ahead ..................I know however she is not happy, not because she has to pay but because she knows this isn't correct.

I spoke about 'enabling' in my last post and still stand by this. Whilst I feel a level of guilt at confirming to my friend I believed he was 'one of the good guys' although he didn't have a great deal to bring to the table as it were (I could see he made her very happy and treated her well which was great) and he is now not it seems, the fact is such that whilst women continue to enable these guys, they will take advantage. Egypt is overall much more troublesome and poorer than Tunisia, also they are definitely not educated there to the same level as Tunisians (by any means) when you look at the 80 million + population and other social stats. I actually feel more sorry for them in a way, however when you meet one of them especially the ones in tourism, don't be shocked by them taking advantage, even if they were 'ok' in the beginning. By mere virtue of the fact that arguably Tunisians in general have more potential, in many ways, you should take an even tougher stance on them and not get wrapped up in their bezness UNLESS you can afford to lose some money and are getting something out of the relation. I don't really read that here, I only read the posts of how one has been taken advantage of, lost their heart, then their money then whatever........... wake up ladies! Yes this can happen anywhere 100%, but the odds are much much higher in places like North Africa and the Middle East. It takes such a long time to get to know someone properly, why would any of you pay out like this until you know the score and that there are very legitimate reasons for doing so? (you are being told time and time again on this site as well as being informed elsewhere of these 'scams') so why would you even think about spending so much time, energy and heartache and money on someone - never mind thinking of marrying one after a few weeks of knowing each other.

I would like to end this LONG post by saying that no matter how old you are, what is being asked of you or what your financial position is relative to your relation, PLEASE listen to the advice given on this site. Your "Mohamed" really isn't different until after a VERY long time of knowing each other and proving that he is. You equally also have to prove to him that you are capable and understanding of the differences in your cultures, ONE BEING, that it is totally unacceptable to ask women for money or use any woman for money or a visa or anything else for that matter.

I really enjoyed reading your post Salek, you have given a very good insight into the situation many of us have faced or are facing at the moment.

I think it is a very valid illustration you gave of your own mother and father, and i agree with you on this, it is hard when two people come from different backgrounds.

All marriages/relationships require a lot of work from both sides. I have never understood either why women seem to be able to give so much more, time, energy, financial support etc to their foreign partner. In my opinion a man is just that wherever he comes from, sure adjustments need to be made to match the situation, but this does not mean we forget the important details.

A man can love and cherish a woman no matter where he is from, it costs nothing. The ladies involved in these relationships need to stop giving and giving and then the evidence will come to the fore. If he truly loves you he will not expect materials items and money from you.

Give your man a treat now and then after all we all like to receive a little surprise gift from time to time from our loved ones. This does not have to be expensive, see how he reacts to this, a genuine guy will be over the moon with the simplest thing you give or do for him. How about a lovely massage, costs nothing but how much nicer is it to give and receive this kind of gift, that no amount of money can buy.

I agree with you Salek, whilst there are ladies willing to enable these men in this way, if they have rat tendencies they will quite happily accept all that is given to them on a plate, and move on when the fancy takes them.

Take Care xx

Loved your post Salek, you raise some really important points about the complexities of having a relationship with someone from another culture. Your story about waiting in the cab while your man went to his house, made me laugh. I had a similar experience with an ex who came from the Emirates. I was upset as you were, but later understood that his parents didn't expect him to have a relationship with anyone before marriage, and certainly not someone who was not Muslim, and factor in that I was not the same nationality, either.At the end of the day, his marriage was arranged. I was young like yourself, and could not understand why he bowed to his family in this way. He could not challenge them, claimed he loved me, asked me to convert. I had been with him a number of years. I never met his parents, but met his siblings, and relatives.When he got married, he told me he did this for his parents, and did not love his wife, and had intentions to continue seeing me, well that was not an option! I met him at the airport fifteen years later, and he was still harping on about how he wished we could have been together His close friends told me that had he married me, gone against his parents, he would have lost his inheritance. For a lot of these guys family is very very important.

I met a rat who wanted to take me to his family home, and said the next time I visited I should stay there.I had no intentions of going there, or meeting his parents. I asked him whether he would do the same with a Tunisian woman, and he told me clearly, that he could not, unless she was his fiance. When I asked him how it was acceptable for me to stay there, as I thought it was disrespectful, his response was I was a stranger, and a tourist, and it was different! That was a dead giveaway.

Good job I turned him down twice last Oct. in Sousse "Adam from Africa" he introduced himself as, I said see that guy over there well that`s ...... from ......... and he is my husband.

Tunisiasun I told you we have to start that business!

Don't forget me ....

Don't forget me either.

my rat whe i was there to be fair he did show me lot of places where went to eat that was very cheap like 14 dinars for 4 people which i paid for and every day was me and him i pay for the dinner was 9 dinars for two and i also paifd for the taxi form sousse to jendouba which was 30 dinars not alot to me but dont know if that alot there money wise but guess it dont matter how much money it is i spent it on him but enjpyed the holiday and when came back missed him terribly for while until he started going on bout money for get net his home (btw he has that now) i asked him while back how he get it he said he worked for his freind and his freind paid him 200 dinars for week 2 weeks work likey story dont think so. and then told me how he hated his life and he lost me and he nothing and he want quite study and go back to his family and he cant stop think bout me and am his life and have hurt him and lot and then cryed all time for me and he is ashamed to tell his fmaily that i borke up with him and cant belive i thought he was after visa sometime wonder if made right choice cuz sometime he actually beliveable but then again when i told him i didnt think could come back there to september he told me he couldnt wait that along and he wqanted me there now and he has no money for clothing and cant eat sleep ect but that past now and have new man in my life but it can happen anytime

You had a lucky escape Irish
Now get your friend to come on here!

am trying she dont wanna hear it have told her what have been threw and i thought like her when came on here also oh mine different ect and her bf even saying what mine did that he loved her lot and that she his life and cryin like buck eijit on cam and cant wait for her come over mad she over tomorrow nite so i show her this and see if can get her talk yous xxx

OMG crying on cam = big fat rat for sure
it would be such a turn off for me anyway lol

I think they have peeled onions on their laps