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Advice needed

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Hi ladies,

I don’t know if I should post this as Im not sure it’s relevant to the site or not but really need some advice.

so basically a friend of mine had an arranged marriage some years ago with a guy in the UK who’s student visa was about to run out (I warned her against it at the time but she didn’t listen). They married, now have a child and we lost touch a few years ago. She reached out to me during lock down and asked to meet for a coffee when everything opened again. I thought it was a bit odd but I know a lot of people have struggled and thought about lots of things in lockdown so just thought she wanted to start a friendship again. Anyway we met up and talked about casual things. I met with her again this weekend for dinner and she started opening up. She told me how her husband controls all the finances and doesn’t give her money for anything social and doesn’t like her going out. She says he has turned ‘really religious’ and doesn’t let her celebrate birthdays anymore and a bunch of other stuff. She was born here and used to be really social, had lots of friends and was always working and shopping etc. She wants to get a part time job but she says he doesn’t agree. She was quite on edge about what she should spend and was worried about how long she was out of the house. She Says she only sees her family a couple of times a month even though they live right near her.
I’m really worried about her happiness and mental state but don’t quite know how to speak to her without her closing up on me and I don’t know what advice to give her. I thought he might leave her when he got his visa but he hasn’t yet although she says they still have some stages to do for the visa. Can anyone help me out on how to approach this and how to be there for her without pushing her away or pissing off her husband?
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Hi ladies,

I don’t know if I should post this as Im not sure it’s relevant to the site or not but really need some advice.

so basically a friend of mine had an arranged marriage some years ago with a guy in the UK who’s student visa was about to run out (I warned her against it at the time but she didn’t listen). They married, now have a child and we lost touch a few years ago. She reached out to me during lock down and asked to meet for a coffee when everything opened again. I thought it was a bit odd but I know a lot of people have struggled and thought about lots of things in lockdown so just thought she wanted to start a friendship again. Anyway we met up and talked about casual things. I met with her again this weekend for dinner and she started opening up. She told me how her husband controls all the finances and doesn’t give her money for anything social and doesn’t like her going out. She says he has turned ‘really religious’ and doesn’t let her celebrate birthdays anymore and a bunch of other stuff. She was born here and used to be really social, had lots of friends and was always working and shopping etc. She wants to get a part time job but she says he doesn’t agree. She was quite on edge about what she should spend and was worried about how long she was out of the house. She Says she only sees her family a couple of times a month even though they live right near her.
I’m really worried about her happiness and mental state but don’t quite know how to speak to her without her closing up on me and I don’t know what advice to give her. I thought he might leave her when he got his visa but he hasn’t yet although she says they still have some stages to do for the visa. Can anyone help me out on how to approach this and how to be there for her without pushing her away or pissing off her husband?
Hi Butterflybee I would be very careful how to approach this with her. Is she happy with him or does she wants to leave her husband?. Are there children? It is a delicate matter and difficult to give advice
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Hi Butterflybee I would be very careful how to approach this with her. Is she happy with him or does she wants to leave her husband?. Are there children? It is a delicate matter and difficult to give advice
Hey Butterflies, I know that’s why I thought I’d reach out to you all for help. I haven’t asked her directly if she’s happy. She said they never spend time together and she’s asked him to have ‘date’ nights with her but he says he’s too busy or tells her they can’t afford it. They do have a child yes. I thought at first maybe she was just letting off some steam by talking about it but some of the things she said rang alarm bells for me
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Hey Butterflies, I know that’s why I thought I’d reach out to you all for help. I haven’t asked her directly if she’s happy. She said they never spend time together and she’s asked him to have ‘date’ nights with her but he says he’s too busy or tells her they can’t afford it. They do have a child yes. I thought at first maybe she was just letting off some steam by talking about it but some of the things she said rang alarm bells for me
Yes ButterflyBee what roo2 said in the first place listen to her and maybe after a while she will open up about her situation more so you will be able to help her more?
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Hopefully. They’re all for the husband, they were the ones who pressured her to marry him in the first place. They’d only met twice before the wedding :(
That is very sad yes. She probably feels alone in her quest to find answers on how or why he changed towards her. I really feel for her it must be difficult as in the begin of the marriage he was another man in his behavior. Let's hope you see her soon again and try to find out what she wants out of this marriage, stay with him or leave him. When the visa is all ok he maybe leaves her?
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
That is very sad yes. She probably feels alone in her quest to find answers on how or why he changed towards her. I really feel for her it must be difficult as in the begin of the marriage he was another man in his behavior. Let's hope you see her soon again and try to find out what she wants out of this marriage, stay with him or leave him. When the visa is all ok he maybe leaves her?
I know I feel awful for her as all she wanted was to be loved. I don’t think he will, he plans to bring his family over from his country so will probably rely on her to look after them. Makes me so angry.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
I know I feel awful for her as all she wanted was to be loved. I don’t think he will, he plans to bring his family over from his country so will probably rely on her to look after them. Makes me so angry.
That is the problem with these arranged marriages you will never know if it is for love or something else. This was most likely from in the begin just for the visa and to bring the family over. So sad your friend is in the midst of all this. Hard to give advise but if she really wants away from this man I hope she finds a solution and can take her child with her. I hope he doesn't abuse her?
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
That is the problem with these arranged marriages you will never know if it is for love or something else. This was most likely from in the begin just for the visa and to bring the family over. So sad your friend is in the midst of all this. Hard to give advise but if she really wants away from this man I hope she finds a solution and can take her child with her. I hope he doesn't abuse her?
That’s exactly what I’m worried about. He sounds very controlling but I can’t say about physical violence as I have no proof of that. She covers up and wears hijab so no noticeable bruises that I can see
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
That’s exactly what I’m worried about. He sounds very controlling but I can’t say about physical violence as I have no proof of that. She covers up and wears hijab so no noticeable bruises that I can see
Her family knows all of his behavior towards her? She used to socialize more and now no more so I assume her family wasn't strict on the religion in the past but now agree with the hijab or did she wear it before to? She must be desperate I hope she contacts you again
 

MH007

Administrator
Staff member
Firstly of course it is relevant- I can speak for all the ladies when I say we are here for each other and as far as I’m concerned any worries shared with people you feel comfortable with can only be a good thing.

I agree with what’s been said -at this stage you just need to listen without judging him or their marriage- the more you listen the more she will open up and share her fears, if you criticise him she could well close up.

He will definitely try even more to distance her from friends and family until finally he breaks all her ties.

Where is he originally from?

Hugs

MH x
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Her family knows all of his behavior towards her? She used to socialize more and now no more so I assume her family wasn't strict on the religion in the past but now agree with the hijab or did she wear it before to? She must be desperate I hope she contacts you again
I don’t know if her family is aware. She started wearing hijab as soon as they got married. She wasn’t strict before but her family always have been hence why they wanted for her to get married as they felt she was bringing them shame in the community by acting too westernised
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Firstly of course it is relevant- I can speak for all the ladies when I say we are here for each other and as far as I’m concerned any worries shared with people you feel comfortable with can only be a good thing.

I agree with what’s been said -at this stage you just need to listen without judging him or their marriage- the more you listen the more she will open up and share her fears, if you criticise him she could well close up.

He will definitely try even more to distance her from friends and family until finally he breaks all her ties.

Where is he originally from?

Hugs

MH x
Thanks MH. I tried hard not to bash him when she was telling me everything but it was hard not to! I struggle sometimes with that lol. He is from Pakistan x
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
I don’t know if her family is aware. She started wearing hijab as soon as they got married. She wasn’t strict before but her family always have been hence why they wanted for her to get married as they felt she was bringing them shame in the community by acting too westernised
As said before you can be there for her when she slowly opens up more about her life. It's sad a woman is controlled by her husband and she is not used to it before. Although we are in 2020 it still happens.
 

MH007

Administrator
Staff member
Oh wow I really feel for you both.

You said her family are very traditional so you must be really careful to keep supporting her - let her talk and be ready to explain all the help that is available in the UK but when she is ready to hear it.

Try really subtlety to explore any violence that might be happening - she may feel ashamed and not a good wife, we know that’s BS but she might not.

Bless her heart - you’re a good friend to her.

MH x
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Oh wow I really feel for you both.

You said her family are very traditional so you must be really careful to keep supporting her - let her talk and be ready to explain all the help that is available in the UK but when she is ready to hear it.

Try really subtlety to explore any violence that might be happening - she may feel ashamed and not a good wife, we know that’s BS but she might not.

Bless her heart - you’re a good friend to her.

MH x
I might make a list of organisations just incase I need to get them to her quickly. I don’t want to make her feel like I’m shoving my nose in I’m just really worried, she’s changed a lot and just seems completely deflated. Thanks for the advice MH you’re a diamond x
 

Hannah Rayyan

Major Ratslayer
Hi ladies,

I don’t know if I should post this as Im not sure it’s relevant to the site or not but really need some advice.

so basically a friend of mine had an arranged marriage some years ago with a guy in the UK who’s student visa was about to run out (I warned her against it at the time but she didn’t listen). They married, now have a child and we lost touch a few years ago. She reached out to me during lock down and asked to meet for a coffee when everything opened again. I thought it was a bit odd but I know a lot of people have struggled and thought about lots of things in lockdown so just thought she wanted to start a friendship again. Anyway we met up and talked about casual things. I met with her again this weekend for dinner and she started opening up. She told me how her husband controls all the finances and doesn’t give her money for anything social and doesn’t like her going out. She says he has turned ‘really religious’ and doesn’t let her celebrate birthdays anymore and a bunch of other stuff. She was born here and used to be really social, had lots of friends and was always working and shopping etc. She wants to get a part time job but she says he doesn’t agree. She was quite on edge about what she should spend and was worried about how long she was out of the house. She Says she only sees her family a couple of times a month even though they live right near her.
I’m really worried about her happiness and mental state but don’t quite know how to speak to her without her closing up on me and I don’t know what advice to give her. I thought he might leave her when he got his visa but he hasn’t yet although she says they still have some stages to do for the visa. Can anyone help me out on how to approach this and how to be there for her without pushing her away or pissing off her husband?

Hi Butterflybee,

Huge breath. It’s not going to be easy.

These type of men, have a strange personality. When they look at social free-going women in the beginning- it’s more for their lust. They compliment and like your pictures, free hair/off the shoulder/skinny jean outfits and say great things. What runs through their minds is “ I’ll turn her into a good Muslim” converts her and starts imposing rules.

Their happiness is what makes Allah happy. Which is why it concerns even a Muslim woman what kind of Muslim man she will marry. It’s not that we don’t want to understand- but the sudden changes will always feel suffocating. And they don’t take it slowly for their wives to adjust. Their reason: you don’t know when you will die to repent.

It was always one of the most confusing issue I dealt with my relationship. I’ve asked him why he added me or liked my pics or added very sexy women if he wanted us to cover up in the end.

And I’ve only came to this: because they are the men, and we should follow as what pleases them. Throw in a little bit of their rigid culture and he’s probably working for his mother and family.

Now after understanding what goes through his mind, comes questions that your friend needs to ask herself and answer honestly.

1. Is she happy and willing to sacrifice her previous life for her marriage.

2. How would her life be once his family comes over.

3. How does she see her child’s future?

4. Can she slow talk with him to allow her to have freedom to do something that she loves or at least earn her own money.

5. What is making her stay


Listen to her for a few more times and let her open up to you first. It’s also important to her husband to keep seeing you as a friend and not a person that starts poking fire and gives her ideas in her head- know what I mean?

You care for her well being and sanity and it’s important that she receives it as much as possible.

It makes me mad that these men take in beautiful smart lioness to live on a farm, when they should have married the sheep from their own ground.
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Hi Butterflybee,

Huge breath. It’s not going to be easy.

These type of men, have a strange personality. When they look at social free-going women in the beginning- it’s more for their lust. They compliment and like your pictures, free hair/off the shoulder/skinny jean outfits and say great things. What runs through their minds is “ I’ll turn her into a good Muslim” converts her and starts imposing rules.

Their happiness is what makes Allah happy. Which is why it concerns even a Muslim woman what kind of Muslim man she will marry. It’s not that we don’t want to understand- but the sudden changes will always feel suffocating. And they don’t take it slowly for their wives to adjust. Their reason: you don’t know when you will die to repent.

It was always one of the most confusing issue I dealt with my relationship. I’ve asked him why he added me or liked my pics or added very sexy women if he wanted us to cover up in the end.

And I’ve only came to this: because they are the men, and we should follow as what pleases them. Throw in a little bit of their rigid culture and he’s probably working for his mother and family.

Now after understanding what goes through his mind, comes questions that your friend needs to ask herself and answer honestly.

1. Is she happy and willing to sacrifice her previous life for her marriage.

2. How would her life be once his family comes over.

3. How does she see her child’s future?

4. Can she slow talk with him to allow her to have freedom to do something that she loves or at least earn her own money.

5. What is making her stay


Listen to her for a few more times and let her open up to you first. It’s also important to her husband to keep seeing you as a friend and not a person that starts poking fire and gives her ideas in her head- know what I mean?

You care for her well being and sanity and it’s important that she receives it as much as possible.

It makes me mad that these men take in beautiful smart lioness to live on a farm, when they should have married the sheep from their own ground.
Hi Hannah, thank you so much for your reply. It is all very strange. I’ll be honest, the way that the majority of Asians practice & understand Islam is completely backwards (Pakistanis, bengalis, indians). I know this may sound harsh but they approach it in a militant, incorrect way and often misunderstand Quran, I’ve had conversations and debates with many before. I know their culture plays a huge influence in this and it shouldn’t, this is what worries me for my friend. Thank you for your advice, I will definitely continue to let her open up to me and keep my mouth shut as best I can for now, if he husband let’s her keep meeting me that is!! X
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Ooh woow that is not a good sign. She will feel completely helpless there not knowing anyone :(
Exactly what I’m afraid of, she’ll be even more isolated. I just kinda asked her how she felt about it, she says well he thinks it’s a good idea and maybe he’ll let me work when we’re there. Didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s not likely he’ll allow that
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Exactly what I’m afraid of, she’ll be even more isolated. I just kinda asked her how she felt about it, she says well he thinks it’s a good idea and maybe he’ll let me work when we’re there. Didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s not likely he’ll allow that
I am afraid you are correct he is a controlling man he will probably not allow her to work. They are moving for his work?
 
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