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Advice needed

Hannah Rayyan

Major Ratslayer
Nope he’s self employed so can work anywhere, that’s why the move doesn’t really make sense. They have a nice home here and the kids are in good schools and she has her family. I’m scared for her but I feel helpless

I’m worried that it’s just to get her far from her family to accommodate for his.
She won’t have anyone nearby to lean on. I hope his parents won’t move in with them.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Nope he’s self employed so can work anywhere, that’s why the move doesn’t really make sense. They have a nice home here and the kids are in good schools and she has her family. I’m scared for her but I feel helpless
It doesn't make sense the move then there must be other reasons for the move. Yes I understand you are scared for her but there is not much you can do to help her? Maybe he has friends there or he just wants her away from her family and friends
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
I know Butterflies sorry, I just feel helpless and need a rant :(
You can rant all you want :). I know how you are feeling now it's a sad situation and you just want to help her. If only you knew why this sudden move is happening it would set your mind at ease. Her family knows about the move I suppose does your friend have a sister who you maybe can contact?
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
You can rant all you want :). I know how you are feeling now it's a sad situation and you just want to help her. If only you knew why this sudden move is happening it would set your mind at ease. Her family knows about the move I suppose does your friend have a sister who you maybe can contact?
I’m going to persuade her to meet me so I can dig a bit deeper, she was quite evasive as to why they’re moving, just said he doesn’t like this city and wants to move them to another. I will try to see if I can get her sisters contact details somehow
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
I’m going to persuade her to meet me so I can dig a bit deeper, she was quite evasive as to why they’re moving, just said he doesn’t like this city and wants to move them to another. I will try to see if I can get her sisters contact details somehow
That is a very good idea play her a little saying you will miss her when she is ferther away then where you are living now. Maybe he doesn't allow her to talk about the reason?
 

MH007

Administrator
Staff member
Nope he’s self employed so can work anywhere, that’s why the move doesn’t really make sense. They have a nice home here and the kids are in good schools and she has her family. I’m scared for her but I feel helpless
Typical ratty narcissist - in his tragic mind the further he distances her the better and will reinforce his control of her!

At least she is still in contact you so hopefully she will maintain that once she moves - that way you know if she needs you then she can turn to you without fear of being ashamed.

Hugs

MH x
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Typical ratty narcissist - in his tragic mind the further he distances her the better and will reinforce his control of her!

At least she is still in contact you so hopefully she will maintain that once she moves - that way you know if she needs you then she can turn to you without fear of being ashamed.

Hugs

MH x
Yes definitely MH I will keep a close eye from a distance, get the address and kidnap her if I need to :thumbsup: x
 

confuseddotcom

Major Ratslayer
Hi Butterflybee,

Huge breath. It’s not going to be easy.

These type of men, have a strange personality. When they look at social free-going women in the beginning- it’s more for their lust. They compliment and like your pictures, free hair/off the shoulder/skinny jean outfits and say great things. What runs through their minds is “ I’ll turn her into a good Muslim” converts her and starts imposing rules.

Their happiness is what makes Allah happy. Which is why it concerns even a Muslim woman what kind of Muslim man she will marry. It’s not that we don’t want to understand- but the sudden changes will always feel suffocating. And they don’t take it slowly for their wives to adjust. Their reason: you don’t know when you will die to repent.

It was always one of the most confusing issue I dealt with my relationship. I’ve asked him why he added me or liked my pics or added very sexy women if he wanted us to cover up in the end.

And I’ve only came to this: because they are the men, and we should follow as what pleases them. Throw in a little bit of their rigid culture and he’s probably working for his mother and family.

Now after understanding what goes through his mind, comes questions that your friend needs to ask herself and answer honestly.

1. Is she happy and willing to sacrifice her previous life for her marriage.

2. How would her life be once his family comes over.

3. How does she see her child’s future?

4. Can she slow talk with him to allow her to have freedom to do something that she loves or at least earn her own money.

5. What is making her stay


Listen to her for a few more times and let her open up to you first. It’s also important to her husband to keep seeing you as a friend and not a person that starts poking fire and gives her ideas in her head- know what I mean?

You care for her well being and sanity and it’s important that she receives it as much as possible.

It makes me mad that these men take in beautiful smart lioness to live on a farm, when they should have married the sheep from their own ground.

And then when they’ve successfully turned you into the good wife they start running/lusting after the “free spirits”. Smh.

I’ll add wherever there’s emotional/financial abuse, physical usually follows:(:(
Hi Butterflybee,

Huge breath. It’s not going to be easy.

These type of men, have a strange personality. When they look at social free-going women in the beginning- it’s more for their lust. They compliment and like your pictures, free hair/off the shoulder/skinny jean outfits and say great things. What runs through their minds is “ I’ll turn her into a good Muslim” converts her and starts imposing rules.

Their happiness is what makes Allah happy. Which is why it concerns even a Muslim woman what kind of Muslim man she will marry. It’s not that we don’t want to understand- but the sudden changes will always feel suffocating. And they don’t take it slowly for their wives to adjust. Their reason: you don’t know when you will die to repent.

It was always one of the most confusing issue I dealt with my relationship. I’ve asked him why he added me or liked my pics or added very sexy women if he wanted us to cover up in the end.

And I’ve only came to this: because they are the men, and we should follow as what pleases them. Throw in a little bit of their rigid culture and he’s probably working for his mother and family.

Now after understanding what goes through his mind, comes questions that your friend needs to ask herself and answer honestly.

1. Is she happy and willing to sacrifice her previous life for her marriage.

2. How would her life be once his family comes over.

3. How does she see her child’s future?

4. Can she slow talk with him to allow her to have freedom to do something that she loves or at least earn her own money.

5. What is making her stay


Listen to her for a few more times and let her open up to you first. It’s also important to her husband to keep seeing you as a friend and not a person that starts poking fire and gives her ideas in her head- know what I mean?

You care for her well being and sanity and it’s important that she receives it as much as possible.

It makes me mad that these men take in beautiful smart lioness to live on a farm, when they should have married the sheep from their own ground.

Agree with all of that. And then when they’ve successfully turned you into the good wife, they start running/lusting after the “free spirits”.

Also wherever there’s emotional/financial abuse, physical usually follows :(
 

Sabrina

Major Ratslayer
Nope he’s self employed so can work anywhere, that’s why the move doesn’t really make sense. They have a nice home here and the kids are in good schools and she has her family. I’m scared for her but I feel helpless
Sounds like he does not want her around her family. I hope he is not physically abusing her it be become more if that’s the case as she will have nobody! Very as for her, it would be nice if you could ask her about that without offending her
 

Hannah Rayyan

Major Ratslayer
And then when they’ve successfully turned you into the good wife they start running/lusting after the “free spirits”. Smh.

I’ll add wherever there’s emotional/financial abuse, physical usually follows:(:(


Agree with all of that. And then when they’ve successfully turned you into the good wife, they start running/lusting after the “free spirits”.

Also wherever there’s emotional/financial abuse, physical usually follows :(

Right exactly!

Especially when the family is around, they love to interfere!
I’m sorry, but these cultures in particular love to gossip and cause havoc. I’ve seen enough of it already here.
MIL, SIL will start poking fire between husband and wife. A few weeks ago while watching mufti menk on YouTube, I was reading all the comments coming from these people and they were sad. Most MIL who live with the family sounds nightmarish.
In all honesty I hope that they “white worship” her. Asians who love Europeans and will do anything for them- are called white worshipers- I hope for the benefit of your friend.

And yes, confuseddotcom, they then start lusting again after other women who were like his wife pre-marriage!
So darn frustrating!!
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
Right exactly!

Especially when the family is around, they love to interfere!
I’m sorry, but these cultures in particular love to gossip and cause havoc. I’ve seen enough of it already here.
MIL, SIL will start poking fire between husband and wife. A few weeks ago while watching mufti menk on YouTube, I was reading all the comments coming from these people and they were sad. Most MIL who live with the family sounds nightmarish.
In all honesty I hope that they “white worship” her. Asians who love Europeans and will do anything for them- are called white worshipers- I hope for the benefit of your friend.

And yes, confuseddotcom, they then start lusting again after other women who were like his wife pre-marriage!
So darn frustrating!!
They’re both Pakistani, the man and my friend. Even though she was born in the UK I feel he’s trying to force the culture from back home onto her. So sad
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
They’re both Pakistani, the man and my friend. Even though she was born in the UK I feel he’s trying to force the culture from back home onto her. So sad
I think it's difficult for women who where brought up in a western kind of life to be strict again in following the culture from where they descent of even when the close family would like that.
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
I think it's difficult for women who where brought up in a western kind of life to be strict again in following the culture from where they descent of even when the close family would like that.
Me too. He wasn’t in the country long either before they got married. It was definitely a visa he was after and I told her that at the time (sounds harsh but I had to).
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Me too. He wasn’t in the country long either before they got married. It was definitely a visa he was after and I told her that at the time (sounds harsh but I had to).
It’s really sad and she wanted only to be loved. I guess she was in love with the man and didn't want to listen to good advice. Her family wanted it to so maybe she did not have much choice then to follow the wishes of her family? As a western woman it is difficult to understand but I can imagine it is quite normal to do that?
 

ButterflyBee

Major Ratslayer
It’s really sad and she wanted only to be loved. I guess she was in love with the man and didn't want to listen to good advice. Her family wanted it to so maybe she did not have much choice then to follow the wishes of her family? As a western woman it is difficult to understand but I can imagine it is quite normal to do that?
Yesss you’re spot on as usual
 
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