Controversial Question

Derbygirl

Major Ratslayer
Just to gauge a general idea...........How many members have given or sent money to their rats more or less from the beginning of their relationships? And over what period of time? Personally, it happened to me from the beginning just about and for a very long time too............I wonder to what extent this is based on our characteristics of vulnerabilty and ‘wanting to please’, as well as their masterminded plans to exploit us? Do you think it becomes some kind of weird ‘addiction’, where we are convinced that we are obliged to help, going without everyday things for ourselves in the process?
 

Beverley

Major Ratslayer
I started to send money to my rat about 6 months into the relationship, I really fell for the stories of hardship, and felt I needed to help, the stories were relentless, one disaster would be solved but another would follow directly.... it got to the point where I did feel an obligation to help them, it was like I’d forgotten how to say the word NO, it took me a long time to rid myself of my addiction to please him...thAnks wholly to this site
 

the highlander

Rat Expert
Hi I know it’s a daft request but please please never send money or gifts,that is their game,
usually it’s the sob stories about family or health or the one my friend fell for.
The oh I have to do national service but I can buy myself out for £500, and I won’t be here if
i can’t pay.
i know I am a guy so I see it from another angle, but if the guy loves you what has money got
to do with it, What did he do before u? How did he survive?
Surely if he loved u he would be saving as hard as u are to be able to see you.
As us Scots say “be canny” ask questions think hard, use your time apart to make sure it’s real
 

Derbygirl

Major Ratslayer
I started to send money to my rat about 6 months into the relationship, I really fell for the stories of hardship, and felt I needed to help, the stories were relentless, one disaster would be solved but another would follow directly
I started to send money to my rat about 6 months into the relationship, I really fell for the stories of hardship, and felt I needed to help, the stories were relentless, one disaster would be solved but another would follow directly.... it got to the point where I did feel an obligation to help them, it was like I’d forgotten how to say the word NO, it took me a long time to rid myself of my addiction to please him...thAnks wholly to this site
.... it got to the point where I did feel an obligation to help them, it was like I’d forgotten how to say the word NO, it took me a long time to rid myself of my addiction to please him...thAnks wholly to this site
I started sending after 2 weeks, Beverley, and it never stopped..............Seeing him kitted-out in various clothing and shoes, when buying nothing for myself..........Telephones, internet subscription, x-rays, medecines............Even helping out his friends under different circumstances!!! Oh Lord, brain-washing, indeed..............
 

Derbygirl

Major Ratslayer
Hi I know it’s a daft request but please please never send money or gifts,that is their game,
usually it’s the sob stories about family or health or the one my friend fell for.
The oh I have to do national service but I can buy myself out for £500, and I won’t be here if
i can’t pay.
i know I am a guy so I see it from another angle, but if the guy loves you what has money got
to do with it, What did he do before u? How did he survive?
Surely if he loved u he would be saving as hard as u are to be able to see you.
As us Scots say “be canny” ask questions think hard, use your time apart to make sure it’s real
Good advice, Highlander, but they are expert brainwashers, and the implication is always: ‘You live in wealthy Europe, I am a poor Tunisian who lives in Africa, you must help me’.............They use all sorts of tactics to get what they want, and only further down the line does the thought occur, ‘Welll, how did he survive before?’.............I think that there is also always the undercurrent-thought of ‘If I don’t give, he won’t stay with me’ from the poor victim, too.............
 

Anna2you

Major Ratslayer
I was sending money about a year into the relationship. It was not big amounts just for the costs of preparation for the wedding and then about year and a half of the relationship for the cost of internet. The biggest amount i have sent was for a lap top...not an expensive one. I was a single mom at that time and did not have much money even though i took second job so i could travel there. I did not want to jeopardise the house and my and my kids security and lose the house. I still did not have much money even with the two jobs. It was always something..either my sons needed something or had to fix the roof of the house or car broke down. I still went there 3 times and paid for the costs associated with the marriage..his trips to Tunis, translators, immigration fees, etc. When immigration refused his application i had to go to a lawyer and pay for immigration appeal and that cost a lot. and then i paid for his plane ticket.
He about 2 years into the relationship (It took 4 years for him to get to Canada) he started getting nasty about the money thing. One time after a trip over there i did not have much money for a month because i did not work the second job while i was there, i could not send him the money. That time he said to me that if i can not send the money then ...his exact words were "fuck this relationship". He also told me that some women even bought their boyfriend a car and that i was not spending much for the internet. Another thing was when i started to get heart problems and had to go on stress leave. That happened after we won the appeal...the lawyer i had was not good and i ended up having to do most of the paper work and preparations for the appeal. It was thousands of pages to read and sort through to prepare. My heart started giving me problems. He did not want to help with the paper work. He did spend maybe couple of days...actually got his friend to help him to sort thorugh skype messages... worth a few months. I had to go through all the facebook stuff.....thousands of pages. When my doctor told me it was my heart i told him i had to go on stress leave. His question was how will we get the plane ticket...not one question on what was wrong with me.
For some stupid reason since all other things he said were good i somehow did not pay attention and made excuses that he was stressed because the wait was so long.
Before that i did not actually send any big ammount but over the 4 years and all the immigration fees and the 3 trips ended up costing thousands of dollars. He somehow does not think that i have spend much and said that i am cheap. He even asked me to destroy all the appeal papers....2 huge books but i kept them...not sure why...i quess it was so much work to prepare all that and i did not want to destroy it.
When he arrived in Canada i got a bit of money from tax refound becaue i was able to claim him on my taxes and he said that i got the money back...he does not seem to understand that what i got back was because i paid way more in taxes already and that that amount did not cover even closely to what i have spent and also i used most of it to make sure he had everything he needed.
 
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Derbygirl

Major Ratslayer
I was sending money about a year into the relationship. It was not big amounts just for the costs of preparation for the wedding and then about year and a half of the relationship for the cost of internet. The biggest amount i have sent was for a lap top...not an expensive one. I was a single mom at that time and did not have much money even though i took second job so i could travel there. I did not want to jeopardise the house and my and my kids security and lose the house. I still did not have much money even with the two jobs. It was always something..either my sons needed something or had to fix the roof of the house or car broke down. I still went there 3 times and paid for the costs associated with the marriage..his trips to Tunis, translators, immigration fees, etc. When immigration refused his application i had to go to a lawyer and pay for immigration appeal and that cost a lot. and then i paid for his plane ticket.
He about 2 years into the relationship (It took 4 years for him to get to Canada) he started getting nasty about the money thing. One time after a trip over there i did not have much money for a month because i did not work the second job while i was there, i could not send him the money. That time he said to me that if i can not send the money then ...his exact words were "fuck this relationship". He also told me that some women even bought their boyfriend a car and that i was not spending much for the internet. Another thing was when i started to get heart problems and had to go on stress leave. That happened after we won the appeal...the lawyer i had was not good and i ended up having to do most of the paper work and preparations for the appeal. It was thousands of pages to read and sort through to prepare. My heart started giving me problems. He did not want to help with the paper work. He did spend maybe couple of days...actually got his friend to help him to sort thorugh skype messages... worth a few months. I had to go through all the facebook stuff.....thousands of pages. When my doctor told me it was my heart i told him i had to go on stress leave. His question was how will we get the plane ticket...not one question on what was wrong with me.
For some stupid reason since all other things he said were good i somehow did not pay attention and made excuses that he was stressed because the wait was so long.
Before that i did not actually send any big ammount but over the 4 years and all the immigration fees and the 3 trips ended up costing thousands of dollars. He somehow does not think that i have spend much and said that i am cheap. He even asked me to destroy all the appeal papers....2 huge books but i kept them...not sure why...i quess it was so much work to prepare all that and i did not want to destroy it.
When he arrived in Canada i got a bit of money from tax refound becaue i was able to claim him on my taxes and he said that i got the money back...he does not seem to understand that what i got back was because i paid way more in taxes already and that that amount did not cover even closely to what i have spent and also i used most of it to make sure he had everything he needed.
What was the outcome, Anna?? Did you get rid of him, my dear??
 

the highlander

Rat Expert
Good advice, Highlander, but they are expert brainwashers, and the implication is always: ‘You live in wealthy Europe, I am a poor Tunisian who lives in Africa, you must help me’.............They use all sorts of tactics to get what they want, and only further down the line does the thought occur, ‘Welll, how did he survive before?’.............I think that there is also always the undercurrent-thought of ‘If I don’t give, he won’t stay with me’ from the poor victim, too.............
Hi Derbygirl, you are right.expert brain washers,but and there is always a but
Where is the lady’s sense? Why does her brain go into meltdown?
I know they say love is blind ,but it’s not stupid.
i have said this before , if a guy in your own country did these things , your sense would kick in, You would do your checks and balances. Not just give in
And it’s not just a Tunisian problem, Its bloody women (sorry)
I mean by that I have seen in my lifetime women falling for smarmy Spanish waiters,
or greasy Greek ones ,or Turkish delights,but the common factor is the women
hope your well
the highlander
 

Derbygirl

Major Ratslayer
Hi Derbygirl, you are right.expert brain washers,but and there is always a but
Where is the lady’s sense? Why does her brain go into meltdown?
I know they say love is blind ,but it’s not stupid.
i have said this before , if a guy in your own country did these things , your sense would kick in, You would do your checks and balances. Not just give in
And it’s not just a Tunisian problem, Its bloody women (sorry)
I mean by that I have seen in my lifetime women falling for smarmy Spanish waiters,
or greasy Greek ones ,or Turkish delights,but the common factor is the women
hope your well
the highlander
It’s all the women’s fault then, Highlander?? Why do you think this site exists then??
 

Beverley

Major Ratslayer
mine actually started asking me for money from the start, i should have seen that as the biggest red flag, but thought i could control the situation, but 6 months in there i was handing over money, buying gifts....i would never do that here, its like they slowly drip feed you these sob stories,till you believe them and will do anything to help them and stop their so called suffering, in the meantime your left worrying, while they are laughing...i really don;t know how they do it...
 

Derbygirl

Major Ratslayer
mine actually started asking me for money from the start, i should have seen that as the biggest red flag, but thought i could control the situation, but 6 months in there i was handing over money, buying gifts....i would never do that here, its like they slowly drip feed you these sob stories,till you believe them and will do anything to help them and stop their so called suffering, in the meantime your left worrying, while they are laughing...i really don;t know how they do it...
I gave money over a 3-year period, and a very large amount, too, even though I passed through a long period of serious psychiatric illness during that time, brought about by the situation.............I thought that I would never recover, but thank God, I did.............But my bank account will never recover from it.............
 

Anna2you

Major Ratslayer
I gave money over a 3-year period, and a very large amount, too, even though I passed through a long period of serious psychiatric illness during that time, brought about by the situation.............I thought that I would never recover, but thank God, I did.............But my bank account will never recover from it.............
I am very sorry you went through that
 
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