Five years

Discussion in 'Tunisian Love & Relationships' started by Cydney, Mar 2, 2019.

  1. Cydney

    Cydney Well-Known Member

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    This month marks my husband's and my 5th anniversary. Many said "just wait until you are married then you will see" then it was "just wait until he gets his greencard, then you will see" then it was , "well it certainly wont last 5 years".

    Many times I have wondered what makes us different than the majority and I think it boils down to the following:

    1. Realistic expectations and basic cultural understanding by both parties. Before marriage he had lived in the west and I had been married to someone from the east we already knew what we liked and didnt like about the cultures. We lived a similar lifestyle and had reasonable expectations of each other.

    2. We hammered differences out early on before marriage. Forcing yourselves to discuss difficult topics is not easy but better to make sure you can work them out before marriage rather than after.

    3. No mistreatment, bad behavior, infedelity, mistrust, dishonesty etc prior to marriage (or after) I see a lot of times there are signs of these but they are shrugged off or the man convinces her that it never happened "they make sabotage" "i was hacked" "I get jealous because I love you too much" "she is my cousin" "I was too sick to answer the phone" etc. I never had any negative gut reaction about my husband. There has never been that "I dont know exactly what it is, but things dont quite add up" feeling that we so often hear women say early on. On the contrary, things felt natural and calm with him. I didnt ignore signs of rattery and had it magically work out, he simply has never acted in any way that would cause me to question him.

    4. True representation of our real selves. While everyone wants to put their best foot forward, we were both very transparent regarding who we were including our shortcomings and challenges. We met online and after 6 months of honest conversations there were no surprises when we finally met and married (except that he hogs the blankets and rolls himself up like a mummy in them- THAT was an unwelcome surprise).

    Whatever the actual success rate is for Tunisian-western marriage, whether it is 30% or 1% I am grateful to be in the minority. There will ALWAYS be exceptions...but dont allow the knowledge that SOME relationships do work to cause you to second guess yourself.
     
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  2. Going for the limit

    Going for the limit Well-Known Member

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    Great thread and totally agree with every word.
    It is very important to thrash out the differences very early on and both come to an agreement with what is right for yourselves .
     
  3. Brasilgirl

    Brasilgirl Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations on five years!
    I think that the main thing with the rats is that they do not have the intention of marrying for longer than it takes to get the green card or PR. They don’t care to compromise. They don’t hammer out differences, they ignore them and later use them to blame others.
    This is where your point No 4 comes in: True representation. A rat lives a lie. They lie about their age, their education, their famiy, and anything they think will land them a gift or sympathy.
    For a relationship to work there has to be mutual respect, love and caring. Unfortunately, most of us had fallen into the trap with a rat who only wanted our money or country.
    Your marriage is one of the 2% that seems genuine.
    I wish you a great future! Sincerely.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2019
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  4. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    Congratulations!! Its positive to have this reference in the forum, so new members can identify difference between rats (scammers and abusers) from honest Tunisian men. All those red flags that shouldnt be ignored or it could lead to an emotional, physical and financial colapse. Xx
     
  5. BrownGirl

    BrownGirl Moderator And Queen of Summaries Staff Member

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    My, doesn’t time fly? Can’t believe it has been 5 years.
    Congratulations, you are one of the lucky ones.
     
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  6. Cydney

    Cydney Well-Known Member

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    Thankyou Browngirl and everyone. I can't believe it is five years either. Seems like just yesterday and forever ago at the same time.
     
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  7. minnie

    minnie Well-Known Member

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    Been 5 years by me too time does fly
     
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  8. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations, I truly hope you are one of the 1%. I think their ability to adopt their new country and integrate is the key. True rats just try to recreate Tunisia wherever they land. Seeking out other Tunisians and just making a geographical change but leading the same life as before.
     
  9. Cydney

    Cydney Well-Known Member

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    True enough. Even in marriages where the man started out with sincere intentions, the marriage can still fail if he cannot adapt. The fact that he was raised in Germany until highschool and had been in the USA before was one of the things that made me feel more at ease marrying him. He KNEW what he would be facing living in a western culture. He didnt expect streets paved with gold or money trees in the garden.
     
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  10. Myriam1

    Myriam1 Member

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    This summer me and my Tunisian husband will be married for 10 years already...and we do have an age gap. He never wanted to live in Europe and has always been working in Tunisia. He never asked for one dinar, dollar or cent, actually he would rather die than ask me for money. He's the one in charge of our household expenses in Tunisia and I'm happy with whatever he can offer me.
    We have seen a lot of other couples (mixed or not) getting married and divorced during those 10 years. I think loyalty, trust and looking in the same direction are very important. My husband isn't religious at all, that also contributes in a mixed marriage.
     
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  11. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    Isn't that marvelous :love:

    Albert Einstein was once asked what the difference was between him and the average person. He said that if you asked the average person to find a needle in the haystack, the person would stop when he or she found a needle. He, on the other hand, would tear through the entire haystack looking for all the possible needles
     
  12. Amira

    Amira Well-Known Member

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    Believe that many women marry too fast without knowing his culture or language and traditions. It is possible to be engaged for a long time also in Muslim countries to learn to know the other person well enough before a marriage.
     
  13. Mystery

    Mystery Well-Known Member

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    So true Amira,
    Although if you know the culture the langauge a rat can play the game for years.
    It's a bonus to know these things yes, what makes it harder is the length they go to cover thier true intentions.
    1 year 15 years they bleed you dry and then throw you away for a younger model if they lucky.
    A cousin will hide in the background being your friend they all play a good game.
    A rat is a rat and no knowledge will save you.
    Our problem is we marry for love we trust to easy.
    We give to easy to these poor poor people but keep your eyes open ladies they not so poor as you think.
    Sure they live in bad areas but God dam they know how to budget they know how to save.
    Look at the gold they wear look at the suitcase of clothes they take when they go to a wedding.
    Rat family is probably richer than any of us.:eek:
     
  14. Amira

    Amira Well-Known Member

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    Yes it is true we trust too much on them and allow them to take the upper hand too quickly. We have a lot to learn from the local girls they are expensive and set limits right away and ask questions if they are unsure of anything. We Western women must teach us to say more often to these boys especially if we do not understand the language or know their culture because many of them make fun of us openly it seems on a long way
     

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