Five years

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
This month marks my husband's and my 5th anniversary. Many said "just wait until you are married then you will see" then it was "just wait until he gets his greencard, then you will see" then it was , "well it certainly wont last 5 years".

Many times I have wondered what makes us different than the majority and I think it boils down to the following:

1. Realistic expectations and basic cultural understanding by both parties. Before marriage he had lived in the west and I had been married to someone from the east we already knew what we liked and didnt like about the cultures. We lived a similar lifestyle and had reasonable expectations of each other.

2. We hammered differences out early on before marriage. Forcing yourselves to discuss difficult topics is not easy but better to make sure you can work them out before marriage rather than after.

3. No mistreatment, bad behavior, infedelity, mistrust, dishonesty etc prior to marriage (or after) I see a lot of times there are signs of these but they are shrugged off or the man convinces her that it never happened "they make sabotage" "i was hacked" "I get jealous because I love you too much" "she is my cousin" "I was too sick to answer the phone" etc. I never had any negative gut reaction about my husband. There has never been that "I dont know exactly what it is, but things dont quite add up" feeling that we so often hear women say early on. On the contrary, things felt natural and calm with him. I didnt ignore signs of rattery and had it magically work out, he simply has never acted in any way that would cause me to question him.

4. True representation of our real selves. While everyone wants to put their best foot forward, we were both very transparent regarding who we were including our shortcomings and challenges. We met online and after 6 months of honest conversations there were no surprises when we finally met and married (except that he hogs the blankets and rolls himself up like a mummy in them- THAT was an unwelcome surprise).

Whatever the actual success rate is for Tunisian-western marriage, whether it is 30% or 1% I am grateful to be in the minority. There will ALWAYS be exceptions...but dont allow the knowledge that SOME relationships do work to cause you to second guess yourself.
 
B

Brasilgirl

Guest
This month marks my husband's and my 5th anniversary. Many said "just wait until you are married then you will see" then it was "just wait until he gets his greencard, then you will see" then it was , "well it certainly wont last 5 years".

Many times I have wondered what makes us different than the majority and I think it boils down to the following:

1. Realistic expectations and basic cultural understanding by both parties. Before marriage he had lived in the west and I had been married to someone from the east we already knew what we liked and didnt like about the cultures. We lived a similar lifestyle and had reasonable expectations of each other.

2. We hammered differences out early on before marriage. Forcing yourselves to discuss difficult topics is not easy but better to make sure you can work them out before marriage rather than after.

3. No mistreatment, bad behavior, infedelity, mistrust, dishonesty etc prior to marriage (or after) I see a lot of times there are signs of these but they are shrugged off or the man convinces her that it never happened "they make sabotage" "i was hacked" "I get jealous because I love you too much" "she is my cousin" "I was too sick to answer the phone" etc. I never had any negative gut reaction about my husband. There has never been that "I dont know exactly what it is, but things dont quite add up" feeling that we so often hear women say early on. On the contrary, things felt natural and calm with him. I didnt ignore signs of rattery and had it magically work out, he simply has never acted in any way that would cause me to question him.

4. True representation of our real selves. While everyone wants to put their best foot forward, we were both very transparent regarding who we were including our shortcomings and challenges. We met online and after 6 months of honest conversations there were no surprises when we finally met and married (except that he hogs the blankets and rolls himself up like a mummy in them- THAT was an unwelcome surprise).

Whatever the actual success rate is for Tunisian-western marriage, whether it is 30% or 1% I am grateful to be in the minority. There will ALWAYS be exceptions...but dont allow the knowledge that SOME relationships do work to cause you to second guess yourself.
Congratulations on five years!
I think that the main thing with the rats is that they do not have the intention of marrying for longer than it takes to get the green card or PR. They don’t care to compromise. They don’t hammer out differences, they ignore them and later use them to blame others.
This is where your point No 4 comes in: True representation. A rat lives a lie. They lie about their age, their education, their famiy, and anything they think will land them a gift or sympathy.
For a relationship to work there has to be mutual respect, love and caring. Unfortunately, most of us had fallen into the trap with a rat who only wanted our money or country.
Your marriage is one of the 2% that seems genuine.
I wish you a great future! Sincerely.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A

AmberHeart

Guest
Congratulations!! Its positive to have this reference in the forum, so new members can identify difference between rats (scammers and abusers) from honest Tunisian men. All those red flags that shouldnt be ignored or it could lead to an emotional, physical and financial colapse. Xx
 
L

Laura2014

Guest
Congratulations, I truly hope you are one of the 1%. I think their ability to adopt their new country and integrate is the key. True rats just try to recreate Tunisia wherever they land. Seeking out other Tunisians and just making a geographical change but leading the same life as before.
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
Congratulations, I truly hope you are one of the 1%. I think their ability to adopt their new country and integrate is the key. True rats just try to recreate Tunisia wherever they land. Seeking out other Tunisians and just making a geographical change but leading the same life as before.
True enough. Even in marriages where the man started out with sincere intentions, the marriage can still fail if he cannot adapt. The fact that he was raised in Germany until highschool and had been in the USA before was one of the things that made me feel more at ease marrying him. He KNEW what he would be facing living in a western culture. He didnt expect streets paved with gold or money trees in the garden.
 

Myriam1

Major Ratslayer
This summer me and my Tunisian husband will be married for 10 years already...and we do have an age gap. He never wanted to live in Europe and has always been working in Tunisia. He never asked for one dinar, dollar or cent, actually he would rather die than ask me for money. He's the one in charge of our household expenses in Tunisia and I'm happy with whatever he can offer me.
We have seen a lot of other couples (mixed or not) getting married and divorced during those 10 years. I think loyalty, trust and looking in the same direction are very important. My husband isn't religious at all, that also contributes in a mixed marriage.
 
D

Deleted member 146

Guest
Isn't that marvelous :love:

Albert Einstein was once asked what the difference was between him and the average person. He said that if you asked the average person to find a needle in the haystack, the person would stop when he or she found a needle. He, on the other hand, would tear through the entire haystack looking for all the possible needles
 

Mystery

Inactive
Believe that many women marry too fast without knowing his culture or language and traditions. It is possible to be engaged for a long time also in Muslim countries to learn to know the other person well enough before a marriage.
So true Amira,
Although if you know the culture the langauge a rat can play the game for years.
It's a bonus to know these things yes, what makes it harder is the length they go to cover thier true intentions.
1 year 15 years they bleed you dry and then throw you away for a younger model if they lucky.
A cousin will hide in the background being your friend they all play a good game.
A rat is a rat and no knowledge will save you.
Our problem is we marry for love we trust to easy.
We give to easy to these poor poor people but keep your eyes open ladies they not so poor as you think.
Sure they live in bad areas but God dam they know how to budget they know how to save.
Look at the gold they wear look at the suitcase of clothes they take when they go to a wedding.
Rat family is probably richer than any of us.:eek:
 

Amira

Major Ratslayer
Our problem is we marry for love we trust to easy.
Yes it is true we trust too much on them and allow them to take the upper hand too quickly. We have a lot to learn from the local girls they are expensive and set limits right away and ask questions if they are unsure of anything. We Western women must teach us to say more often to these boys especially if we do not understand the language or know their culture because many of them make fun of us openly it seems on a long way
 

DesertQuestion

Ratslayer
I feel that going through this website requires at LEAST a bottle of wine. Good sweet lord. It pains me so much just to read about all of these things. It hurts my heart so much just to see that there are people out there doing this. How does anyone deal with the emotional ups and downs of just reading this website? is it less painful when you're out of your relationship with the rat? Maybe right now it's so awful and painful because i'm still in the rat relationship. Maybe it's that. :(
 

Mystery

Inactive
I feel that going through this website requires at LEAST a bottle of wine. Good sweet lord. It pains me so much just to read about all of these things. It hurts my heart so much just to see that there are people out there doing this. How does anyone deal with the emotional ups and downs of just reading this website? is it less painful when you're out of your relationship with the rat? Maybe right now it's so awful and painful because i'm still in the rat relationship. Maybe it's that. :(
Why would you still want to be in a rat relationship ?.
;)
 
B

Brasilgirl

Guest
I feel that going through this website requires at LEAST a bottle of wine. Good sweet lord. It pains me so much just to read about all of these things. It hurts my heart so much just to see that there are people out there doing this. How does anyone deal with the emotional ups and downs of just reading this website? is it less painful when you're out of your relationship with the rat? Maybe right now it's so awful and painful because i'm still in the rat relationship. Maybe it's that. :(
For me it was an emotional roller coaster. Emotions up and then crashing down. Guilt for outing him. Sadness and missing him. Sometimes I would just start crying while I was in a class. For months I just felt pain. I would dream he was who he was supposed to be, but wake up to remind myself of the evidence that he was just a cheater and a rat. But now, after a year of the horrible ride, I don’t even care. I don’t feel that way for him anymore.
 

Mystery

Inactive
Why would you still want to be in a rat relationship ?.
;)
I wish I could send a magic wand to help you see how he is not helping you.
I don't know your guy just what you tell us here.
I can only speak about my situation. I am married to mine. I lived with him for a very long time. Give the gifts the money the kids my heart.
1 thing I didn't give was a golden visa. That would have happened if he didn't lie cheat or abuse me.
Was his love for me real, heck no way.
His government even say it was all a scam and that came from the head of police.
I really wish I could wave that magic wand and send you the man of your dreams a man who will love and cherish you no matter what.
I'm just sorry you have a man who really only cherish himself.
Yes these men put they family and friends before a wife g/f they will spend more time with them than with you. That is something each woman who remains with a north African put up with or leave. No point in arguing with them you won't win. So I tell you now that he is no different to any of them. Asking for money is a rat. Asking for gifts ? Everyone likes gifts I guess, for a rat them gifts is to show off to his friends that he caught a big fish who will do what he say. Buy and give him the world. Your mistake will be if there's no visa to be add then run like hell because you will be the biggest whore in the entire world. Sorry I am the biggest whore you will be the 2nd.
I wish you luck, keep reading here keep getting the help to see what they are like. Notice the same way that each rat work it's text book material. Big hugs x
 
M

Mango Chutney

Guest
How long were you with your rat for, Mystery? Your eldest is what, eighteen?
It just shocks me that after all those years, he, having married a sixteen year old virgin who was a born Muslim, he had all those kids, was married, living together....and was still a rat...it was still a scam!

Your story gives a really good example of what we say about them being in it for the long haul.
We have other victims here of ten/fifteen/seventeen years plus....it makes me want to cry that some innocent woman has sacrificed years of her life....for a love that was never returned :Cry:
 

juicyfruit

Major Ratslayer
:Cry::Cry::Cry::Cry::Cry:
How long were you with your rat for, Mystery? Your eldest is what, eighteen?
It just shocks me that after all those years, he, having married a sixteen year old virgin who was a born Muslim, he had all those kids, was married, living together....and was still a rat...it was still a scam!

Your story gives a really good example of what we say about them being in it for the long haul.
We have other victims here of ten/fifteen/seventeen years plus....it makes me want to cry that some innocent woman has sacrificed years of her life....for a love that was never returned :Cry:
 

Mystery

Inactive
My oldest is 17 age older than I was when I married my rat.
I got pregnant quickly. You bet they in it long term. They will play the game and happy for the money. I kept rat and his whole family.
200 pounds a week I was giving away. Would have been better off doing the lottery. At least I had a chance to win something. Rat got pension each month he kept it for himself.
I dare the bastard come here and deny it too.
Everything I had I paid for myself. Not 1 thing was given me for free. :eek:
 

Mystery

Inactive
My oldest is 17 age older than I was when I married my rat.
I got pregnant quickly. You bet they in it long term. They will play the game and happy for the money. I kept rat and his whole family.
200 pounds a week I was giving away. Would have been better off doing the lottery. At least I had a chance to win something. Rat got pension each month he kept it for himself.
I dare the bastard come here and deny it too.
Everything I had I paid for myself. Not 1 thing was given me for free. :eek:
I should add not 1 dinar he give to his children I will swear on that. His sister/wife child had it all. He can't say I am a liar to that either. ;)
 

Amira

Major Ratslayer
I feel that going through this website requires at LEAST a bottle of wine. Good sweet lord. It pains me so much just to read about all of these things. It hurts my heart so much just to see that there are people out there doing this. How does anyone deal with the emotional ups and downs of just reading this website? is it less painful when you're out of your relationship with the rat? Maybe right now it's so awful and painful because i'm still in the rat relationship. Maybe it's that. :(
Understand that you are hurting because you still have feelings for him. Continue reading on this page as it will help you see the situation from another stand. Read as many stories as you can can save you a lot of trouble in the future. You say you are unsure of him and do not trust him. If you have a bad stomach feel then listen to it. Yes it is difficult but there are too many red signals.
 

Derbygirl

Major Ratslayer
So true Amira,
Although if you know the culture the langauge a rat can play the game for years.
It's a bonus to know these things yes, what makes it harder is the length they go to cover thier true intentions.
1 year 15 years they bleed you dry and then throw you away for a younger model if they lucky.
A cousin will hide in the background being your friend they all play a good game.
A rat is a rat and no knowledge will save you.
Our problem is we marry for love we trust to easy.
We give to easy to these poor poor people but keep your eyes open ladies they not so poor as you think.
Sure they live in bad areas but God dam they know how to budget they know how to save.
Look at the gold they wear look at the suitcase of clothes they take when they go to a wedding.
Rat family is probably richer than any of us.:eek:
So true!!!!
 

Etoyoc

Major Ratslayer
This month marks my husband's and my 5th anniversary. Many said "just wait until you are married then you will see" then it was "just wait until he gets his greencard, then you will see" then it was , "well it certainly wont last 5 years".

Many times I have wondered what makes us different than the majority and I think it boils down to the following:

1. Realistic expectations and basic cultural understanding by both parties. Before marriage he had lived in the west and I had been married to someone from the east we already knew what we liked and didnt like about the cultures. We lived a similar lifestyle and had reasonable expectations of each other.

2. We hammered differences out early on before marriage. Forcing yourselves to discuss difficult topics is not easy but better to make sure you can work them out before marriage rather than after.

3. No mistreatment, bad behavior, infedelity, mistrust, dishonesty etc prior to marriage (or after) I see a lot of times there are signs of these but they are shrugged off or the man convinces her that it never happened "they make sabotage" "i was hacked" "I get jealous because I love you too much" "she is my cousin" "I was too sick to answer the phone" etc. I never had any negative gut reaction about my husband. There has never been that "I dont know exactly what it is, but things dont quite add up" feeling that we so often hear women say early on. On the contrary, things felt natural and calm with him. I didnt ignore signs of rattery and had it magically work out, he simply has never acted in any way that would cause me to question him.

4. True representation of our real selves. While everyone wants to put their best foot forward, we were both very transparent regarding who we were including our shortcomings and challenges. We met online and after 6 months of honest conversations there were no surprises when we finally met and married (except that he hogs the blankets and rolls himself up like a mummy in them- THAT was an unwelcome surprise).

Whatever the actual success rate is for Tunisian-western marriage, whether it is 30% or 1% I am grateful to be in the minority. There will ALWAYS be exceptions...but dont allow the knowledge that SOME relationships do work to cause you to second guess yourself.
Hear hear ... and ... congratulations. :)
 

MH007

Administrator
Staff member
@Cydney

Wow 5 years - seems like only yesterday, congratulations.

I hold my hands up to being one of the dubious ones as i think most of us were.

Glad you are happy - i remember the stick you got back then but great that you have stuck with us, thank you.

Congrats again

MH x
 

simple

Major Ratslayer
Congratulations from me too..Its great also that you help here ,your experience is not one sided,We also had Nutty Professor .who was succesfuly married for 5 years also...
 
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