Help me please

neat

Active Member
Katousa please take notice of all the advice the ladies have given you on here, they are trying to help you understand how he is trying to manipulate you. I was married to a rat well actually still am waiting for him to decided to divorce me with his own money or next victims lol. There is a large age diffrence between use as well, I went into the relationship/marriage with my eyes open to their rat ways and truelly believed he was honest. It took over 2 yrs for his true colours to surface not asking straight out for money but telling me his problem then saying, "if maybe you could help me". when he received nothing within 2 days I was the bad wife and he would not contact me for day.

I had a call one day saying his mum was very ill in hospital and it will be very expensive for the family, again not asking direct for money. I asked him to tell me what hospital she was in as she lives in Sakiet and told him I would contact the British embassy so they could call the hospital for me to find out her full situation. He said he will call me back with details, 3 hrs later he called me and shock and amazement his mum had recovered and was dischared 2 hrs earlier. She was never in the hospital but threatening to involve the embassy sure worked.

I know you are going through hell at the moment as you do not want to listen to what you know is the truth. You feel stupid and embarrassed that you at your age someone is trying to con you, you have told all your family and friends what a great guy he is, you have seen the look of disbelieve on there faces that you have even got with this rat and probably lost a few friends along the way.
I know I did. Fortunatly I came to my senses before I paid for the visa, it was already booked.
He had become obsessive, dominearing, selfish he wasn't the guy I had fallen in love with anymore.

Save yourself the pain,shame, heartache. Do not put yourself in the position anymore of being controlled as that is what he is doing to you at the moment. Keep your finances to yourself, go buy that nice outfit you have seen and not brought because you have been concentrating on him. He does not care if you walk around in rags and have no food as long as he eventually get's what he wants.
If you are still in doubt tell him you have lost your job or benifits have been cut and you live now only on £71 you can't survive to pay all bills rent food. Lets see if he offers you support or financial help.

Sorry if I have sounded harsh and heartless that is not the case, If I can help save you from a small amount of heartache that those bastards afflict on european women. Xx
 
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Katousa

Guest
Yes you are right.. it is silent and it's clear that if he needs me , he would be afraid to lose touch with me.. or he really so sure that I'm not going anywhere.. probably need to stop to unravel the mysteries about his thoughts and inner world ... the only thing I clearly understand, if a person is not indifferent, he will not remain silent.. even if it hurt or he gets angry..
 

Heidi

Inactive
Yes you are right.. it is silent and it's clear that if he needs me , he would be afraid to lose touch with me.. or he really so sure that I'm not going anywhere.. probably need to stop to unravel the mysteries about his thoughts and inner world ... the only thing I clearly understand, if a person is not indifferent, he will not remain silent.. even if it hurt or he gets angry..
You are getting there, dear. You might not believe it now, but time heals all wounds troest.gif
 

FoolInLove

Rat Expert
Yes you are right.. it is silent and it's clear that if he needs me , he would be afraid to lose touch with me.. or he really so sure that I'm not going anywhere.. probably need to stop to unravel the mysteries about his thoughts and inner world ... the only thing I clearly understand, if a person is not indifferent, he will not remain silent.. even if it hurt or he gets angry..
Hunni the only thing he is afraid of is to loose what he think he can scam from you. And right now he is sure you will do anything to please him when he return..
Don´t wait for his call´s or messages. Start to block and delete, and deal with the fact that you will never understand what is in his head.
If you don´t block him you are way too vulnerable to reject him.
We see it over and over again. Women making the mistake to think they are strong enough to confront the rats, and end right back in their claws.
xxx
 
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Katousa

Guest
Please can I have one stupid question:(.. well answer me whether they have true feelings.. so as not to use, to love truly.. they have that in the blood laid a pragmatic approach to matters of love? in fact, they do nothing but..blah blah.. and women are ready for them to move mountains ... I was ready all that can do for him.... no person could cause me so many feelings.. but don't forget that stuff
 

Heidi

Inactive
Please can I have one stupid question:(.. well answer me whether they have true feelings.. so as not to use, to love truly.. they have that in the blood laid a pragmatic approach to matters of love? in fact, they do nothing but..blah blah.. and women are ready for them to move mountains ... I was ready all that can do for him.... no person could cause me so many feelings.. but don't forget that stuff
There are no stupid questions, just stupid answers, dear :)
To put it plainly, they are male postitutes and only think of the money. They have none feelings for their victims :(
 

black_angel

Junior Rat Expert
Please can I have one stupid question:(.. well answer me whether they have true feelings.. so as not to use, to love truly.. they have that in the blood laid a pragmatic approach to matters of love? in fact, they do nothing but..blah blah.. and women are ready for them to move mountains ... I was ready all that can do for him.... no person could cause me so many feelings.. but don't forget that stuff
FoolInLove is right. Blocking is the only way out.. believe me. This is the first step you must take to start breathing again. I was back to my rat many times, too many... Lost much, it was never better nor was it easier... I was loosing more and more... I was thinking "I don't care" "not this time" "im strong". But the truth was that I cared, I was weak ... Waiting for the message, this "keep wondering and guessing" time was like a cancer. It was eating me up piece by piece. After some time I started seeing the things that I wasnt able to notice them cause of the emotional manipulation. Dont think that his friends are yours... They will always stand by his side not yours. They will lie, play the same game if it's needed. Dont trust any of them. They all know what is going on but none of them will tell you the truth, you know why? Because if not you then there will be another one. They dont care about you. If they did then they wouldnt let him for doing this to you.
 
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Katousa

Guest
I keep thinking and can't understand.. why is there this desire to help? even if it's to their detriment.. as hypnosis.. what are they Tunisian men really? what is their inner world? when we visit them or talk on the phone or message.. we the language barrier ... we may idealize them.. we ascribed to them such qualities that they do not have..
If my boyfriend or husband in my country is gone indefinitely and ignore my calls and Messages.. I would have sent him immediately.. then why can't I do this with a Tunisian man ?? I'd be willing to forgive all this?? these are important questions for me!!
 
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Katousa

Guest
so much pain and despair I had never experienced ... what he has done for me, what I think he was the best man in my life? this is incredible.. I have always looked at men's actions ... I did not ever believe just in words .. and now my world has been turned upside the head..
 
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Katousa

Guest
I still Wake up thinking about it.. the hand reaches for the phone to write a message but I keep .. I was thinking.. I think we hold on to the illusion of happiness with them.. we while away from them, ascribed to them such qualities that they do not have. we idealize.. maybe if we were there all the time.. the frustration would come much faster..
I still can't understand how could he for one moment to wipe out more than two years of relationship.. how can you play the feelings.. why do they think that their attention should be buy.. they take us than what we give them their hearts.. and why so long can not forget.. I have so many questions.. and I don't know where to look for the answer..
I was vacationing in many countries before ... and never with me such never happened ... until I met him.. when I first met realized.. I felt that he would break my heart.. it was my inner voice..
he gave me so many moments of happiness.. I was happy with it really.. probably to pay for everything and sometimes we pay not with money but a part of our soul.. perhaps should stop deceiving themselves.. and begin to live a real life.. I changed after meeting him.. my friends didn't understand me.. they told me to come back to earth and remember what country you live.. I'm not in Tunisia.. my thoughts were only with him.. I live from trip to trip him.. my friend told me how long all this can last? I have to stop, because it's not a life to see 2 times a year.. and in the future he will leave me.. I never listened.. I was fine with it..
Sorry to write all this.. just a cry from the heart..
 

Tiger

Junior Rat Expert
I still Wake up thinking about it.. the hand reaches for the phone to write a message but I keep .. I was thinking.. I think we hold on to the illusion of happiness with them.. we while away from them, ascribed to them such qualities that they do not have. we idealize.. maybe if we were there all the time.. the frustration would come much faster..
I still can't understand how could he for one moment to wipe out more than two years of relationship.. how can you play the feelings.. why do they think that their attention should be buy.. they take us than what we give them their hearts.. and why so long can not forget.. I have so many questions.. and I don't know where to look for the answer..
I was vacationing in many countries before ... and never with me such never happened ... until I met him.. when I first met realized.. I felt that he would break my heart.. it was my inner voice..
he gave me so many moments of happiness.. I was happy with it really.. probably to pay for everything and sometimes we pay not with money but a part of our soul.. perhaps should stop deceiving themselves.. and begin to live a real life.. I changed after meeting him.. my friends didn't understand me.. they told me to come back to earth and remember what country you live.. I'm not in Tunisia.. my thoughts were only with him.. I live from trip to trip him.. my friend told me how long all this can last? I have to stop, because it's not a life to see 2 times a year.. and in the future he will leave me.. I never listened.. I was fine with it..
Sorry to write all this.. just a cry from the heart..
@Katousa never feel sorry for writing here. I really do understand how you feel and all the questions you have. I could have write the same words !! It is so horrible to be ecposed to a Rat. I have also travel all over the world. I also never hear about bezness before. Ofcose I hear about the Nigerian scamers on internet telling crazy stories about beeing in Afganistan in the army or they try to convince women they was from London but now was arcitekt at big progect in Nigeria. But never i hear about marriage fraud like in Tunisia. I also change after meeting him. I was there for him waiting 24/7 by my phone and computer. I took the bite!! He was so lovely and sweeet. I felt sorry for him and his family and their bad situation. But after marriage everything change. He wanted money all the time. Never care if i had something or not. I was like his privat bank. I have been tru the silent treatment. tretten to divorse ..i do not know how many times he did that. One thing i learn. When the know they loose the grip on you, they have no limits for what they can say and do to you. It is like they think that if they hurt you enuht then you will give in and pay of. It is horrible!! I can say from my heart. I can never forgive him for what he did to me. Even if he come and beg me for forgivness on his death bed. Some will say i must forgive to move on. I say no, b/c i am not bitter anymore. But forgivness...no. I have made peace with myself. I have done what they say they do to us.."I have deleted him from my mind" He is non existing in my world. I have close that door and trow away the key. And that door will never be open again.
So Katousa, use this page!! Here you can open up without beeing judge or feel stupid. Most of us have been in your situation. We have ask the same questions. Go to peace with that these Rats have a totally serius disorder in their mind. They are not acting like human beeing like we know , have been brought up to believe . Some questions you can try to understand for the rest of your life, and still not have the answere to on your last day. You just have to let it go. If not you go crazy trying to figure out.
 

zanylady

Well-Known Member
I still Wake up thinking about it.. the hand reaches for the phone to write a message but I keep .. I was thinking.. I think we hold on to the illusion of happiness with them.. we while away from them, ascribed to them such qualities that they do not have. we idealize.. maybe if we were there all the time.. the frustration would come much faster..
I still can't understand how could he for one moment to wipe out more than two years of relationship.. how can you play the feelings.. why do they think that their attention should be buy.. they take us than what we give them their hearts.. and why so long can not forget.. I have so many questions.. and I don't know where to look for the answer..
I was vacationing in many countries before ... and never with me such never happened ... until I met him.. when I first met realized.. I felt that he would break my heart.. it was my inner voice..
he gave me so many moments of happiness.. I was happy with it really.. probably to pay for everything and sometimes we pay not with money but a part of our soul.. perhaps should stop deceiving themselves.. and begin to live a real life.. I changed after meeting him.. my friends didn't understand me.. they told me to come back to earth and remember what country you live.. I'm not in Tunisia.. my thoughts were only with him.. I live from trip to trip him.. my friend told me how long all this can last? I have to stop, because it's not a life to see 2 times a year.. and in the future he will leave me.. I never listened.. I was fine with it..
Sorry to write all this.. just a cry from the heart..
Hi @Katousa. A true relationship is a meeting of souls and trusting that your and their every action has your wellbeing at the forefront, for you my dear this may well have been a relationship, however for him you were just a fish on the hook, to be reeled in and dropped at his will and need. Unfortunately for you this relationship is now soured and it will never ever be the same again, you will never be able to be true to yourself again, assuming he does come back with great apologies, declaring his undying love and regret that he has treated you so badly. You will never be able to respond to him naturally, what if he finds himself in a similar situation, you would have to think long and hard about how to respond just in case he disappears again. This is no basis for any relationship it's tainted and the trust has gone forever...Is this what you want for yourself? Please for your own sanity and health it's time to put the glass down (For an explanation of this I will post again).
 
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zanylady

Well-Known Member
I came across this recently and I thought it was perfect if you replace "Glass with "Rat".

"A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything."

Remember to put the glass down.

(Courtesy of Jimmy Harmon)
 
M

Madestinej

Guest
@Katousa i am really sorry for you. Can I ask you some questions?
Are there an age gap between you and your boyfriend?
Have you met his family and do they let you sleep in their home?
Who pay for hotel/flat and other expenses when you visit him?
Have he ask for gifts like cloths, parfume, sigarets or make you pay for resturants and coffies?
Does he have work?
Does he have education?
Hi Tiger... I like very much your Questions..!!!!
 

CUDDLE

Junior Rat Expert
How are you doing Katousa?

It is along rd to recovery but rest assured you will NOT walk alone whilst this site is here ..there is always someone here to walk with you, talk with You and lend you a shoulder to cry on....

Your feelings are perfectly normal Katousa..this is the horrible stage..it will get better xxx
 
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Katousa

Guest
Thank you for not forgetting.. it's hard for me now.. it appeared.. started writing.. and then asked for help to start your own business.. and of course help money.. I said I didn't have the opportunity to help now.. I not rich.. he said no problem and paused again..
I find it hard and painful to realize that he needs only money.. I believed him.. I thought he is real.. even if we break up, then we will have good human relations..
he sincerely believes that if I love him must give support and help.. I am willing to help, but only when I can and have the opportunity.. how he can be mad at me if I don't have now ??
 

neat

Active Member
Oh my god katousa please stop now, my husband yep still married has been trying to contact me for 3 weeks. Today yep I was In the pub Tun8sian code nearly the same as Essex so yes I answered it. Bloody hell he was using someone else phone, tried to convince me that i loved and missed him. Really gave him the full Essex mouth lol no holds barrred. We have been separated for over a year. I Completly lost it called him and the familly bezzy bastards and told him they will all go to hell. Really not feel8ng proud of myself at the mo but really could not take anymore. I really just want my life back to myself but the worst part was I could not say I hated him, really why could I not say that? so pissed off with myself. X
 

Tiger

Junior Rat Expert
Thank you for not forgetting.. it's hard for me now.. it appeared.. started writing.. and then asked for help to start your own business.. and of course help money.. I said I didn't have the opportunity to help now.. I not rich.. he said no problem and paused again..
I find it hard and painful to realize that he needs only money.. I believed him.. I thought he is real.. even if we break up, then we will have good human relations..
he sincerely believes that if I love him must give support and help.. I am willing to help, but only when I can and have the opportunity.. how he can be mad at me if I don't have now ??
Yes it is hard when it appear to us what it is really all about. You say that he sincerely believe that is you love him you must give help and support. And the help and support he want is money. Also money to start own business. How can he sincerely believe that? He would not sincerely believe that if you was a woman from his own country! He would not dare to ask or expect her to give him one Dinnar even if he was starving.
The thing is that they have this idea that western women are more then happy to share our money with them. That this is our culture. B/c it is not culture in their country. The woman´s money is hers. And the husband can not clime her money.
You write that you are willing to help him. You must not send him any money! When he ask you for money he show you no respect. And do not feel guilty by refusing to give him money. What he do is to try to use you. You are far too good for that. Do not become his money machine. Wher he can redraw your hard earn money just like normal people go to the bank. The thing is, if he did really love and respect you like a Tunisian real man should do, he would never ask for a Dime even if he had to walk the streets bagging to get a meal a day.
It is hard to realise this and to stay strong. But in this case you just have to. And little by little you will get up on your feet again. Just take care of yourself and do not let him manipulate you to feel guilt and that you have let him down. B/c you have not!! It is he who have show his real face and let YOU down. Walk away and never look back
 
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Tipsybella

Guest
Only do not get mad at me.. I listen to everything you're saying ... and you very help me.. but my heart doesn't want to agree with the mind.. In my head it sounds only one question.. why? I think maybe he's not a rat ... maybe he's really bad.. I don't know, you can call him a rat if he never promised ? if I'm not deceived with the promises? he immediately told me that he earns not very much .. he didn't ask money from me before and I thought we were just good together.. if I did something for him, just because I wanted.. and now when he really needed help.. I do nothing.. may be he thought that all of my words blah..blah.. and that at me it is impossible to rely in a difficult situation..maybe he now believes that I betrayed him..that he can't rely on me..??? I'm confused!!! I think I'm a fool that I can't accept the obvious..
That is very normal you feel that way. Cause it takes time to accept and understand. I felt the same..and even now after putting his pic up here I have doubts. Even after he called me a whore I have doubts (you think to yourself well that can happen when u really angry...and maybe he was so hurt as well) but after time you wake up more and more....cause so many things will happen and it will not stop. I gave him a chance and another one and another one...thinking it was all a mistake...but things just do not improve. Even when your heart can not believe it.....one day try to believe your mind!
 
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Tipsybella

Guest
I am also amazed that your rat played so well for so long and that he never asked for money before and now he suddenly does. But like many here mention maybe he had someone else who provided him with money....and you where just there for him in case the other one falls away. They always have more women....and each woman gives them something different....they try to get whatever they can get. With one woman he might feel she is not ready for marriage...so he askes her for money. They other one wants to get married...so that is his chance for Visa. And then there always many others in case one breaks up with him then he can at once go to the next.
I know how you feel and it is horrible.....also for me everything is fresh.....the arguing and everything goes on for a few month....I forgave him.....cause I missed him so much...then we started to talk again.....and then he almost had me again...but I was very careful.
Only 2 days ago I blocked him after we argued again.......I think it is time now to accept that he really is a rat...even though my heart still does not want to believe it.
 

spartacus

Rat Expert
Thank you for not forgetting.. it's hard for me now.. it appeared.. started writing.. and then asked for help to start your own business.. and of course help money.. I said I didn't have the opportunity to help now.. I not rich.. he said no problem and paused again..
I find it hard and painful to realize that he needs only money.. I believed him.. I thought he is real.. even if we break up, then we will have good human relations..
he sincerely believes that if I love him must give support and help.. I am willing to help, but only when I can and have the opportunity.. how he can be mad at me if I don't have now ??
He can be mad now sweety because he doesnt care about your feelings. The only thing he is concerned about is what he can get from you. He is not even trying to hide that fact hun. Please take care. I know how hard this is xoxo
 

Big Bang Theory

Senior Rat Expert
I am also amazed that your rat played so well for so long and that he never asked for money before and now he suddenly does. But like many here mention maybe he had someone else who provided him with money....and you where just there for him in case the other one falls away. They always have more women....and each woman gives them something different....they try to get whatever they can get. With one woman he might feel she is not ready for marriage...so he askes her for money. They other one wants to get married...so that is his chance for Visa. And then there always many others in case one breaks up with him then he can at once go to the next.
I know how you feel and it is horrible.....also for me everything is fresh.....the arguing and everything goes on for a few month....I forgave him.....cause I missed him so much...then we started to talk again.....and then he almost had me again...but I was very careful.
Only 2 days ago I blocked him after we argued again.......I think it is time now to accept that he really is a rat...even though my heart still does not want to believe it.
Hi Tipseybella, what you are saying reminds me so much of me :(.......

I forgave my rat many times and went back.... In the end I had to block him and it was the hardest thing I've ever done..... My heart still wanted to believe him but finally my head was stronger....

At first I didn't think I could do it, I felt like I needed to unblock him and contact him but the lovely ladies on here kept me strong and now I feel like 'me' again :)

It takes time but each day it gets a little easier until there comes a day when you won't think of him at all. So stay strong Tipseybella, we are all here to support you and send you hugs whenever you need them xx
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