help ????

Discussion in 'RAT-DAR' started by kisses, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. tunisblue
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    tunisblue Active Member

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    i just want a big juicy steak... thats my craving!! oh yes and any marriage takes work, its just one to a tunisian man takes twice as much:innocent:
     
  2. Smugly_jo
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    Smugly_jo Totally up my own arse!

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    Hi there,

    Well, I was gettign a little worried when I started to read this but I a, happier again now cos I too think that the age gap isn't too big. They are older in ways in Tunisian than their years and we too an be considerable younger than our years, in mentality and looks. So I wouldn't worry about the age gap - we have an age gap too and he is ALWAYS moaning at me for mentioning it so try to forget it.

    As for you daughter, I agree with Beansontoast and the other girls would urge you not to think along those lines - he is viewing your daughter as his daughter so he will be her 'father' not her lover, ok?

    Congratulations on your up and coming divorce - it was the best day of my life when mine came through and then you will be free to do as you please - make the right choices with your head and your heart and enjoy your life!

    Tra for now,

    Smiley, x
     
  3. alAzima
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    alAzima Administrator & Voice of Reason Staff Member

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    Definitely not all horror stories or train wrecks! I've been loving on my Tunisiano since 2005 and will continue until death do HE part :neener:
     
  4. tunisblue
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    tunisblue Active Member

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    congrats! been with mine since 2001... this goes out to him:innocent:
    Yeaah
    heyy heyy

    That's how much I love you (yeah)
    That's how much I need you (yeah yeah yeah)

    And I can't stand you
    Must everything you do make me wanna smile?
    And then I like you for a while
    No...

    But you won't let me
    You upset me girl and then you kiss my lips
    All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
    Can't remember what you did

    But I hate it
    You know exactly what to do so that I can't stay mad at you for too long
    That's wrong but I hate it

    You know exactly how to touch
    So that I don't wanna fuss and fight no more
    Said I despise that I adore you

    And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah)
    I can't stand how much I need you (I need you)
    And I hate how much I love you boy (ohh)
    But I just can't let you go
    And I hate that I love you so (ooh)

    And you completely know the power that you have
    The only one that makes me laugh
    Sad and it's not fair
    How you take advantage of the fact that I...
    Love you beyond a reason why (whyyy)
    And it just ain't right

    And I hate how much I love you girl
    I can't stand how much I need you (yeah yeah)
    And I hate how much I love you girl
    But I just can't let you go
    And I hate that I love you so

    One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
    And your kiss will make me weak
    But no one in this world
    Knows me the way you know me
    So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

    yeahhhhh ohhhh ohhh
    oh yeah

    It's how much I love you
    It's how nuch I need you
    It's how much I love you (ohh)
    It's how much I need you
    And I hate that I love you
    Sooooo
    And I hate how much I love you boy
    I can't stand how much I need you
    And I hate how much I love you boy
    But I just can't let you go
    And I hate that I love you soo
    And I hate that I love you soo sooo
     
  5. Veritas
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    Veritas The Contessa

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    Blue... that was just beautiful (f)(f)(f)(f)(f)
    Ohh! You're such a romantic person. (f)(h)(f)(h):dead::ben::ben: xxxxxx
     
  6. tunisblue
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    tunisblue Active Member

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    lol its the only song i can think of to describe marriage! of course it is sorta ruined now that we know the song was to a womanbeater:O:mad:
     
  7. Veritas
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    Veritas The Contessa

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    Who the heck's that?? :O:mad: It just spoiled it for me!! :dead:<_<:ben:
     
  8. tunisblue
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    tunisblue Active Member

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    i know, doesn't it?!:mad: cris brown.. not tunisian(that i know of, but a rat nonetheless:O
     
  9. marissa
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    marissa Member

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    Hi, welcome (f)
    My dear I have a very simple question for u: Where from he get the money to pay the car hire and other things when u are there with him if he is student??
    In Tunisia must have a very god job well payed to afford this stuffs.
     
    Browning likes this.

  10. Kisses, why is it only now, after 3 years, that you have started to wonder about his real intentions? :huh: Is there something which has happened to make you wonder if he is playing around/using you for a visa?? :huh:

    I can understand you wanting to keep the relationship secret to protect your daughter, but 3 years is an awfully long time to hide something like this from her. :O Are you not worried that she will be upset you kept it from her when you do eventually tell her the truth? <_<


    Have you ever wondered where all this money comes from? :huh: Most Tunisians can just about afford to live, let alone splash out on apartments etc :blush:

    Whats the saying about the company one keeps?? :innocent:
     
  11. kisses
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    kisses New Member

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    hi all,

    the money came from insurance via a car accident he had when i was there a year & a half ago & had always promised me when it came through, he would get his chance 2 prove all 2 me........i did think that it would all fall through but when it came through he paid my flight, apartment & car so that i didnt have 2 pay 4 anything & he did exactly that & much more.

    The reason why i have not disclosed anything 2 my daughter is cos is bn a slow relationship 2 begin with... down 2 me & my choosing cos my divorce was still all going on I didnt want 2 jump 2 fast & introduce anyone till i was completely sure.

    I think my biggest issue with all is age differences & cos of the reputation some tunisians have & although he has done a lot............i still occasionally have doubts, maybe im just 2 cautious but hey i dont wanna make another mistake with love cos the years i have left i wanna make sure im using them in a realtionship that is gonna last longer than a few years & not when he has had enough & maybe wants kids/different younger lifestyle due 2 his age. So im always doubtful of all & sometimes my head wont allow me 2 accept that someone much younger than me regardless if i look a little younger 4 my years, would b really interested in a woman like me 4 long term cos in the uk this type of situation is not as common as it is in tunisia, & everyone just assumes it must b only 4 a visa which does cross my mind from time 2 time & once he has got visa, he may stay 4 a little while & then disappear.


    We also have had some problems with facebook where he claims that it was one of his friends that jealously made problems 4 us but unfortunately 2 this day i cant say 4 certain if that is true or not, so while all is still ifs & buts, it makes me very wary of all & him. Ive made one mistake in life with a broken heart ...........i dont want another one :(

    I hope this answers a few queries :)
     
  12. GaileIrene
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    GaileIrene Innocent provocateur!

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    Kisses,

    I gave you my thoughts previously. Here’s a follow up.

    My advice is to continue to seek information about the man. Is there something about him that makes you doubt him? When you questioned him about an issue that came up, did you accept his explanation because it made sense, but didn’t check to see if he told the truth? Go back and look at incidents in your relationship: review what happened and try and see with a critical eye. If you need to end the relationship, you will find it much easier to do so if you find negative information.

    I am especially concerned because of your age difference. He may have been spending money on you because he wants to make a good impression - to sweep you off your feet so you will marry him. And he may really like you - the question is why?

    Even Arab women with residency here in the U.S. have learned the hard way not to marry someone without permanent residency already. Being women, they have much more at stake in a relationship than a man. Their whole future financial well being depends on making a good choice for a partner. A friend of mine told me about how one Arab woman here, and her family, suffered terribly from an imported spouse. The family had checked him out, but he turned out to be an opportunist. They made the mistake of giving him their daughter and their money, to buy a house and business, and got conned big time! The young woman was devastated.

    At your age it is vital to protect your future from making a mistake. What do you think about this idea? If you want to proceed with the marriage, you will follow the Arab model. Let the man pay for your upkeep, and keep your funds separate. Any income you make will belong to you, and you will not pay any of the household‘s bills. You did not mention if you have financial or other assets - if so, make sure not to commingle funds. You don’t want him making off with money in the event of a divorce. Also, you likely would not want him to inherit, at the expense of your daughter, were you to suffer an untimely death. Make these terms clear to him from the outset, and do not fall off this path just because things look rosy! That way, if he has his mid-life crisis, and wants out, at least you will have had a chance to build up your own finances while he was supporting you. Discuss these terms with him. You may find that the marriage negotiations falter and you have a falling out even before getting married. In the meantime, do not get pregnant!

    I do not want to deprive you of happiness. I just want to protect you and your daughter. Good luck to you!

    Regards,
    Gaile Irene
     
  13. mezoo
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    mezoo The Decider

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    welcome lol

    hi cougar, welcome.....:coffee:
     
  14. Mezoo!! :O:O:O:O:O:tongue:
     
  15. kisses
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    kisses New Member

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    hi gaileirene,

    u talk a lot o sense.......but ive already done all of the above.........ive told him a hundred times that regardless of how much i love him & if i ever did marry him i would legally draw up papers that would make him not eligible 4 any of my assets which is really nothing apart rom my home that has already bn transfered in2 my daughters name if i should ever die, as ar as other assets go i have none, im just a typical average working mother with a divorce pending & enough money 4 bills home & small luxuries. He has bn very much in agreement with all of this & agrees its important that i safe guard my daughter so really he has not asked me 4 anything & has completely agreed on all with me.

    I did think like u had when his insurance money came through - i did wonder whether he paid 4 so much 4 me was his way that he had 2 redeem himself & did through obligation as opposed 2 really wanting 2..........however many tell me that a young guy that suddenly got a little more money than they have ever had is not going 2 spend on anyone unless the really want 2.........so i think from that point of view the whole situation frustrates me cos their is so many advantages 2 what he has done but again it does depend on how u view it all.like ive said b4 i think age difference plays the biggest role in my relationship with him & i have wondered that if he were similar ages 2 myself then i do believe my doubts would not have bn so high & age differences can highlight many problems further in2 relationship which cant b changed.

    Ive also checked all out on him & he laughs when i tell him & says if u must its absolutely fine..... he knows i am always doubting him but continually tries 2 reassure me hence the reason why he doesnt get angry when i tell him what im thinking, he understands the stigma surrounding tunisians & wanting a visa.

    thanks 4 ur honesty & i think its just a case of still taking all slowly 4 me & basically watching this space..........................LOL :)
     
  16. Kisses, I think you have a good head on your shoulders and have thought the key issues through and seem to have communicated your fears and needs well to your partner. You've also been together for a few years, so clearly haven't rushed into anything. From reading your posts, I'm picking up that your biggest hang-up is the 15 year age difference which, actually, is really not that unusual. A rat will be a rat whether they're with a person who is older, younger or of a similar age to them. Perhaps you would have similar insecurities if you were with a much younger partner in the UK? Your ages are not going to change - and, if you have no reason to doubt that it doesn't bother him then don't let it bother you xxx
     
  17. GaileIrene
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    GaileIrene Innocent provocateur!

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    Kisses,

    You seem torn between wanting to enjoy life and concern for whether you should enjoy life in this way. All of life is a risk. Sometimes you win, sometimes you get hurt. Fear of getting hurt makes us buy insurance policies. That's why I suggested some financial insurance - and you apparently already thought this through. Unfortunately, however, there is no such thing as heart insurance.

    I so much want you to enjoy life and have a good life after what you have been through. Is he the type, if things don’t work out between you, who won’t cause calamity, but will behave like a decent man? Are you good friends? Does he bring joy to your heart? Maybe this relationship can work - For how many years? Forever? Who knows?! You can live life only a day at a time. You catch some waves, ignore others. Some waves give you a good ride, others turn you upside down. Some people wait for the perfect wave, and at the end of the day go home never catching that perfect ride. One can never experience living, without actually living.

    I am sorry if my messages have been confusing. I wish they had been simpler. But life’s choices aren’t always simple - as you well know!
     
  18. What a fantastic post - spot on! xxx
     
  19. GaileIrene
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    GaileIrene Innocent provocateur!

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    Dear Kisses,

    My previous message to you is shallow and lacking in one sense. So many relationships are missing one important thing - and I did not mention it, and should have. I did not talk about the intimacy and closeness that you likely seek. Why did you enter the relationship? Why did your previous relationship end? What is the role of your need for intimacy and closeness in your relationship? Was it, and is it, missing? Perhaps this is where the age difference becomes apparent. Maybe you do not have common goals or common reasons for forming your relationship. Many people who marry do not, and remain married for years. Other such marriages fall apart from loneliness within. So much to think about, isn’t it?
     
  20. Caramel
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    Caramel Clairvoyante !!

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  21. Caramel
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    Caramel Clairvoyante !!

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    GailIrene, you should have been a counsellor. Your advice is always so sound. I think this is so sensible and I hope Kisses will consider some of the questions you posed. She sounds like a sensible lady any way and I wish her all the best.
     
  22. kisses
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    kisses New Member

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    hi 2 all & thanks 4 all the support & fab advice. No im not a stupid woman however there r many comments made on this thread that if i have 2 b very honest with myself i can relate 2. Yes i am completely torn by really wanting 2 enjoy this relationship but just as equally torn by the fact that i shouldnt really b in such a relationship which makes me high on the guilt trip 4 what i believe 2 b correct. B4 i met him, i was already going through a separation but i had a very good, full & happy life & again separation nothing 2 do with him. I didnt meet him in tunisia like others had i met him on my mobile by complete accident.............i was calling a cousin in usa & got him on mobile..........& it all started from there, bizarre but true.

    But yes i do have the issue with the 15 yr age gap & i think i always will have & thats why i try 2 find other reasons why anyone would b interested in me, ie. player, visa.....etc. my head just wont allow me 2 accept that maybe he does love me 4 me & i hunt 4 other reasons. I think im just one of these women who has found herself in a relationship that b4 i would have laughed at cos of the age & yes i would have bn the first one 2 shoot anyone down in flames 4 seeing someone younger but now im in that situation myself its much harder 4 me 2 do & yes i love him & yes we r good together but its just the age thing that i have such a big hang up about.

    However 4 over a wk now bn ive ended all contact with him , which as bn hard but i feel its best 4 him & me .......but its hard when ive fallen in love with him & feel i must give this person up cos of my issue with age i...... but i believe my issue is just never gonna change & ages r just one of these things that we either accept or walk away from.


    a big thanxs 2 all TLR members who gave me such good advice :) xxx
     
  23. annibee
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    annibee Well-Known Member

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    i met my guy over a year ago i am in my fifties and he is 30 we love each other but i am aware of the pitfalls with the age gap. it dont bother him and i know of same age gaps that have lasted for years with tunisian men. i have been back to see him 5 times in last year and just take each time as it comes and dont look at the bigger picture. life is too short i am going to enjoy being with him as long as its lasts and if or when it is over i have many happy memories of him.right now i am so happy to have him in my life so will relax and enjoy each time we are together.
     
  24. Caramel
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    Caramel Clairvoyante !!

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    Annibee, you are so level headed. Yes, enjoy for the moment and take it one day at a time. If you are meant to be together, it does not matter about the age gap. The good thing is you are thinking this thing through and not making any decisions with your heart. I wish you all the best for as long as it lasts.
     
  25. Caramel
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    Caramel Clairvoyante !!

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    However 4 over a wk now bn ive ended all contact with him , which as bn hard but i feel its best 4 him & me .......but its hard when ive fallen in love with him & feel i must give this person up cos of my issue with age i...... but i believe my issue is just never gonna change & ages r just one of these things that we either accept or walk away from.


    a big thanxs 2 all TLR members who gave me such good advice :) xxx[/QUOTE]

    Kisses, good luck in whatever you decide. Stay positive and don't look back - always look forward.
     

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