i love him, but what if?

Marion

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Apr 26, 2015
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I have been in a long distance relationship with a Tunisian man for almost 5 years now. We met through Facebook in 2011. We got engaged last summer. However, it's the 5th time I will be visiting Tunisia this summer, and I'm really fed up. He hasn't visited me yet, (I live in Los Angeles) or met any of my friends or family. Every year there is some kind of excuse, and promises to visit me the following year. I wasn't aware that my situation was so common! After all these years, I finally start having doubts. I'm tired of constantly flying out there to see him. I spent thousands of dollars every summer. I understand the country is very poor. Many find themselves in very difficult situations, with very low salary to support themselves and their families. . NeveR did I expect to be in a long distance relationship, and stay faithful for so long ! But now I'm beginning to question my relationship. Is he worth all my effort And money ? What have I gained from him ? How has a this relationship benefited me? I do truly love him, but you can never trust anyone! I'm tired of waiting and dreaming...what do I do ??? I don't want to leave him :(
 

Big Bang Theory

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Dec 8, 2013
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I have been in a long distance relationship with a Tunisian man for almost 5 years now. We met through Facebook in 2011. We got engaged last summer. However, it's the 5th time I will be visiting Tunisia this summer, and I'm really fed up. He hasn't visited me yet, (I live in Los Angeles) or met any of my friends or family. Every year there is some kind of excuse, and promises to visit me the following year. I wasn't aware that my situation was so common! After all these years, I finally start having doubts. I'm tired of constantly flying out there to see him. I spent thousands of dollars every summer. I understand the country is very poor. Many find themselves in very difficult situations, with very low salary to support themselves and their families. . NeveR did I expect to be in a long distance relationship, and stay faithful for so long ! But now I'm beginning to question my relationship. Is he worth all my effort And money ? What have I gained from him ? How has a this relationship benefited me? I do truly love him, but you can never trust anyone! I'm tired of waiting and dreaming...what do I do ??? I don't want to leave him :(
Hi Marion,
The title of your thread 'i love him, but what if?' I'll start with "What if he is genuine?" because this is what is in most women's mind:
You say you have visited him 4 times so far in 5 years, how long for? One or two weeks each year? This is not enough to truly understand the difference in culture and mentality. Even spending significant periods of time there, eg stays of 3 months, is not enough because our culture and mentality are worlds apart and, in addition, while you are there you are pretty much isolated and dependent on him, rat or not. If he is a rat he will purposely isolate you to maintain control, if he is not a rat he will keep you isolated because that is their culture, women are isolated, and because he will want to keep you safe (he knows his countrymen and their ways) - also they see little reason to educate you because it is their job to look after you and they just don't understand how different our ways of thinking are.
He promises to visit you each year but it's almost impossible for a Tunisian to get a tourist via to the USA and requires a significant amounts of money so unless he's very wealthy and can show he has good reason to return to Tunisia (family, property, business) he is unlikely to get a visa to visit you.

So lets say he is genuine and you decide to marry. Where will you live? Tunisia or USA? For him to move to USA would be a major culture shock (lifestyle, work ethic, equality, socialising, family life, child rearing, openness between men and women, different foods, the list is endless) and very very few Tunisians (genuine or rat) are ultimately happy outside of their own environment. It takes a very adventurous and open minded person to adapt to all these changes. They don't have the same informative TV and media as we do so they are mostly unaware of different cultures or that people think/behave differently in different parts of the world.
For you to move to Tunisia is also a major culture shock however it is easier, I don't think you need a visa, and generally westerners are reasonably well travelled and have much more awareness of different cultures through TV and media so you are more likely to be able to adapt. However, you won't be able to work (you will only get a work permit if you can do work that a Tunisian can't do such as teach English) so you might be dependent on him financially. If you have children they will be raised as muslims and your life will be all about caring for the home (and his elderly parent) and raising the children (almost zero social life). The killer point is that if things go wrong further down the line and your relationship doesn't work you will not be able to leave Tunisia with your children unless you have his formal written consent (even if they are born in USA and you then take them to Tunisia to live or visit) - So unless you are willing to return to the USA without your children you will be stuck in Tunisia with no means of income other than what he might give you. If you are married to a Tunisian your embassy can do very little to help you and they cannot help with getting your children out of the country.

What if he's a rat?
There are so many scenarios so the best thing is to read as much as you can on here - there are many many stories.....
Also read here http://beznessalert.com/eng/index.html
and here http://www.tunisia-love.com/
and here http://www.1001geschichte.de/
and this is google translation from Turkish but you'll get the gist http://translate.google.com/translate?depth=1&hl=en&prev=search&rurl=translate.google.com&sl=de&u=http://www.turkish-talk.com/entscheidung_fuer_den_tourismus.html
Read as much as you can - only you can decide if he is a rat or not :( If you decide he is, run for the hills.....
 
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The boss

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Nov 16, 2014
Messages
38
Hi.
I have been in a relationship with a tunisian man for over a year , I have visited him three times within that period .
I gave money to enable him to apply to come to visit me into my country , I forwarded paperwork, letters to ensure that I could support him for the period he would be here .
The visit never happened , excuses all the time and no money returned to me . I eventually resigned myself to the fact that it was just words spoken to reassure me that he felt the same for me as I did for him .
 

Heidi

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Dec 9, 2009
Messages
14,166
I gave money to enable him to apply to come to visit me into my country , I forwarded paperwork, letters to ensure that I could support him for the period he would be here .
The visit never happened , excuses all the time and no money returned to me . I eventually resigned myself to the fact that it was just words spoken to reassure me that he felt the same for me as I did for him .
What an unusual conclusion to come too, after being stolen from and lied to :confused:
 

anyonne

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Mar 14, 2015
Messages
101
Los Angeles ?? what the hell ? and u expecting him to go for a visit ? i guess he should b more honest and tell u that he cant visit rather than lie to u and keep telling u that he can or he will , thats the first lie and who knows whats the other lies
 

CUDDLE

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Jan 3, 2011
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Marion

5yrs you have been waiting for what?? Im sorry but if you really believe any man Tunisian or otherwise has stayed faithful and has serious intentions towards you..well there is no hope..

Sorry if i sound harsh but please wake up and smell the coffee...

He will NEVER get the money to visit the USA unless he scams it from someone...and if he does visit what then??

I am sure your hard earned cash would be far better spent on vacations elsewhere....Tell him you can not afford to visit this yr..see how it goes:whistle:
 

anyonne

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Mar 14, 2015
Messages
101
jiggy jiggy hahahahahahahah holly shit thats funny as hell , well i doubt it as well , personally i can't do it , i mean 5 yrs wow lol but will u belive me when i tell u that my wife used to come and see me , every 2 months and sometimes 3 months and when she is not here i dont have jiggy jiggy until she come hahahahahahah
 

CUDDLE

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Yes of course i would believe that anyonne

For a start though she did come every few months not like in Marion's case 4 times in five years..

Also you WERE married ..

Maybe this guy Marion is talking to online is a 'Tosser';)......
 

anyonne

Active Member
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Mar 14, 2015
Messages
101
Yes of course i would believe that anyonne

For a start though she did come every few months not like in Marion's case 4 times in five years..

Also you WERE married ..

Maybe this guy Marion is talking to online is a 'Tosser';)......
lol yeah , american r not like british , we have no many americans come here they even dont hear about it , thats why they r not aware yet of tunisian well i have to say about us , u all know im a tunisian after all , but 5 yrs cuddle ? 5 years without jiggy jiggy , u think so ? hahahahahah really cant stop laugh about it and i dont know why lool
 

CUDDLE

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Ye i been laughing about it too.....I mean ffs what fool would believe that ...

Then again Marion has said both her and him have got dirty pasts her words not mine.....but she has stayed faithful to this Tunisian guy.......Well imo he is NOT serious after 5 yrs he has not proposed anything.....That is a long time for a LDR and she spends thousands of dollars in the summer.....pff no wonder the RAT is always smiling..nice little earner for a couple of weeks a yr.

No i dont for one minute think he has kept his pants on for all that time.....Maybe that is not important for Marion, I can not comment as I dont know her personally, but other aspects of the relationship are obviously concerning her anyway and rightly so..Life is too short to waste ..
 

CUDDLE

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Umm..... No, Marion didn't say that, it was Heatmiser101 who said that in another thread
http://www.tunisianloverats.com/threads/advice-is-needed.3658/#post-195164

I really must apologise..I really am sorry Marion mixing you up like that is wrong ..please forgive me..xx xx

Everything else was correct though...she has known him 5 yrs etc etc...and visited just four times is that correct?

So i stand by the rest of my post......but im sorry about thinking it was you who said you had a dirty past.....Teach me to sit up into the early hrs as i am in agony with sciatica and could not sleep...

Anyway Marion i still think you are wasting your time with this man ....
 

anyonne

Active Member
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Mar 14, 2015
Messages
101
I really must apologise..I really am sorry Marion mixing you up like that is wrong ..please forgive me..xx xx

Everything else was correct though...she has known him 5 yrs etc etc...and visited just four times is that correct?

So i stand by the rest of my post......but im sorry about thinking it was you who said you had a dirty past.....Teach me to sit up into the early hrs as i am in agony with sciatica and could not sleep...

Anyway Marion i still think you are wasting your time with this man ....
come onn cuddle give them a chance :p
 
A

alemancita

Guest
Dear @Marion you are tired of waiting and dreaming ? So stop it and wake up please. Nothing will change. Ever. He cant come to the USA . You will spend more money and you will always have to fly back with an hurting heart and soul. I am not talking about the differences in culture, education etc..... All said already....Just Listen to your inner self and be honest with yourself , you know, it will never work . Its very sad and it will take time to get over it as you love him, but you will make it . Just dont go back . Big hug to you xxxx1621728_705120769508866_378368947_n.jpg
 
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Lellaji

Guest
Hello
I had wanted to start my own thread here and tho my story is much more complicated and pain staking than what Im about to tell you, I am in a fit of utter devastation as my husband has "left me" because "he cannot wait forever". Certain words just stick in my mind, forget the fact that time and time again he's not available to me, poor or not poor there are ways and if someone wants to be in touch they would.
Is keeping in touch too much to ask.
I happen to be very perceptive and instinctual, I had already been married to a Moroccan and that ended badly, now to have my heart reluctantly opened and completely annihilated because honestly without warning and with complete affirmation and coldness I received my desertion through texting.

i just needed to find a place to vent and be with others going thru same thing.
as someone already burned and lost by loving supporting and bringing to USA a previous spouse, I had no business to be in the position to try this again. It's unfathomable that this is happening. All my hopes and dreams and everything he ever said but when I read all what you write , what was I thinking??

I know now Im just babbling , with no clear point to my story. Bottom line, I am 43 years old.
I thought i found my soulmate finally, the man of my dreams, the life that i had longed for. Its all been ripped from me apparently because "he cant' wait forever".

I never and he convinced me, it wasnt about the visa, tho i have been there and seen the life, I know they want to get out. I was totally paying attention to more and more comments and signs from his side and then he turned it around on me as if i was moving fast enough, this and after the fact I just was with him back in January of this year and was planning to return to try and have a baby.
I kept feeling us bickering more and more and him mentioning more and more me bringing him there even tho i wanted to live with him there and the typical "NO WAY , NO HOW" response
so it was always on me and up to me, i never said that i wouldnt do the application. We were married in September of 2013....after only a 5 month relationship online. I couldnt have been more convinced of his words and feelings and promises. Even having done similiar risk before and failed, this man had me snowballed. Now to sit and think...it really was all for a visa??? He didnt think that id test him first...I mean we didnt even make our 2 year anniversary..
well this is going on 3 weeks now since he broke the news that he's LEAVING ME and flat out said IM NOT UR HUSBAND ANYMORE AND CANT BE AVAILABLE TO YOU ANYMORE...i have no words...and sure this coming after having not had much contact between us and some bickering but still....im in shock, i cant believe, i wasnt given the proper respect or way in him breaking things off..not that it makes it any easier but not even a face to face on skype...i cant bear it, i cant function b/c i made this man my life and was so good to him and sacrificed so much and was there when I needed him...i cant imagine it was all words....i cant imagine HIM being like the rest of these rats..his family "faking" their feelings, i could never bear to leave him at airport but now to never see his face again to have no resolution .i had to defend myself and plead through texting b/c i was BROAD SIDED....i kept thinking with terrorism increasing so much and not only my safey there but his...maybe he feels hopeless , he's mentioned hopeless but do you just drop the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE YOUR WIFE, MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN< BEST FRIEND into toilet like a piece of shit b/c papers couldnt be filed right now..its' a matter of money IM POOR TOO OK and i dont complain to him about my issues but now saying "its for your own goood" "you are better off without me" CRAP! I know better, I know when something going on, I just dont know what it is ...i figured married for 2 years before filing just to make sure and have things SOLID for proof of genuine relationship...we are married for christ's sake...im a mess, this man has turned on me 100% in the blink of an eye and this is how he does me when we hit rough patch? yet i didnt hear the word divorce and i dont think he can do this without my permission or consent.
thank you im sorry i found this site by chance and so glad b/c as i already know there are too many of these cases going on and on and on...just so gutted our life never even began :(
 
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Lellaji

Guest
just to let you know.....he's 27

BEFORE I agreed to marry him , I told him all about me and my history
of course i know they will promise anything to get here, i had another do it to me before not long before I met my current husband. (another very horrible end to a dream lost).

so i said to my current husband about the length of time and waiting and the details of paperwork and money and all the ins and out
i already know it
i lived it before and b/c of my EX moroccan (he ruined it for me past present and future)
i was not in any way wanting another long distance with poor arab guy i know what that means
and i moved mountains before and i could again but why? i had to take my time
we married so quickly and at first just thinking of options other than living in USA with me, he waas trying to appear NOT INTERESTED in a visa...but over time and his situation getting worse and him having to deal with supporting his family and blah blah
conversation about papers coming and i told him, i cant file without money and i already sent you a bunch of money for your problems there so i cant right now, i told him when i see him in the fall we will do papers together with his signature that i need to send with application
ALL SHOT TO HELL
i dont know if the turbulation there making him more hopeless thinking no visas will be issued easy for any tunisians with this terrorists shit going on..plus im not scared easy but going there in the fall can be risky i already receive emails from consulate..does that mean i throw hi m away? does that mean b/c it costs me it's not worth it? i cant believe him right now and not having the way to discuss or him giving me the the time of day , he said DONT CALL ME DONT TEXT ME DONT LOOK FOR ME
he said he wont answer me but that's not always true, we have had some back n forth over last few weeks but i feel it's really over and hes done with me , just like trash , dumped out, i cant speak, im just done...sorry but 2x now? and this guy was the ONE and I believed in him the most

then i get "THANKS FOR EVERYTHING"
this
is my HUSBAND we are talking about okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
i cant accept this and from far away my hands tied
i cant see him he cant see me and i cant do nothing
and i blame myself b/c i didnt file papers yet or i mentioned money and his pride is hurt
 

Heidi

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Joined
Dec 9, 2009
Messages
14,166
Hi dear, I´m sorry for you but you have to face it. He is a rat. He married you to get a visa. He is not talking to you at the moment to get a move on with his papers or he found a victim with more money. He used you :(
 
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Lellaji

Guest
too hard to bear and especially him knowing that i was "taken" before
he knew my reservations about applying for him, still I waited and watched
and believe me I know what he said and how i felt around him
i honestly cant believe it, i just cant and i didnt want to jump to conclusions but what else can i think?
who just up and leaves a woman they love? who would give up on his wife after just few misunderstood words without working it out or discussing or explanations.
none of it's fair, we just had our most beautiful moments together
i cant believe anyone could FAKE all that
how could they HURT someone so blantantly and without care or regard for what im going thru here
everything i did and provided without him asking
and all to think he's just been 'distancing' himself and 'moving on' from sometime now?
any complaints i had of him were JUSTIFIED but not surely enough to make me leave him
even tho i should have, im married, i took a vow

our life never even began ok
there is no good logical reason and if i have to accept he's a rat and he's lied for visa
even tho he'd get mad at me for ever doubting him or not trusting him enough even after what happened with that moroccan

i should have known better...you see how innocent my heart is and how evil the world is
 
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Lellaji

Guest
im not a stupid woman
i have plenty of experience but i knew that even the consulate would ? a 2nd visa application so quickly after my first divorce plus my ex still lives near me
anyway he coped out
totally
total cop out total lies every word i guess
my head cant stop thinking of endless scenerios and all of them still believing he doesnt mean it
but then to blame it on me....blame on me...he couldnt get over or forgive the fact that i even mentioned i sent him money and didnt have any
regardles
i believe what you said about him creating it all to back out of it
he felt like he wasnt sure if id do it or not but why should i sacrifice it all again? he knew going in i was weary and leary and he knew itd be on him to prove otherwise

now im isolated and alone
in constant state of denial and having to be sedated b/c i cant stop crying
i mean i m pouring my heart out here b/c i cant even cry to him about how i feel
and just left by my own husband thru texts and me like a dog there waiting and then pleading with 'what did i do wrong?"
just so gut wrenching now...pain on top of pain and disappointment
and he just COULD NOT WAIT FOREVER
well i told him as long as we married im your wife and i will act as such
i dont just bail out on my commitment and promise so easily but what a shocker
i couldnt have fallen for a man that was more sweet and seemingly so honest and he took that vow to me forever and then till death do us part comes in less than 2 years
wow
wow
i mean just speechless.....still crying....its too raw
 
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Lellaji

Guest
Hi Lellaji
Rats can´t feel love to anything but money. @Heidi is right not love, and it is straight out of the ratbook to dump their victims like he dumped you.
xx
so unfathomable with this one because he knows that im not materialistic at all
money no thing to me and i would NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR turn my back on him b/c of money
SHIT HE DIDNT HAVE ANY
talk about excuses too
and when you think back you say HOW CAN I BED SO DUMB? SO GIVING? SO LOVING AND FORGIVING and OVERLOOKING? hard enough living apart as it is, hard to break up but with no resolve or consolation...it's too much, obviously im unraveling im sorry it's still too new and just totally gunned down by his words and coldness which is so unlike him
like he just snapped over there and then blamed me for not moving fast enough
how lucky i feel now to be around others that can feel me

dont you think i was right in telling him that it would be harder for me to get him here after
1. i already had brought another not that long ago
2. not married 2 years
3. tunisians maybe more apt to be profiled or suspected in these times

im just hurtin
i miss him so much and you ask how can
well grief comes in stages
im still devastated
sometimes getting angry and but not crying any less
 
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