i love him, but what if?

joon

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 15, 2015
Messages
361
Honey you will never understand his behavior. We come from a culture where we don't have to manipulate other people to survive in our daily lives, so we love blindly expecting that same love in return. What I have learned over the years is that many people from these "shame/honor societies" will never see outside women as human beings with feelings.

I am married to a Turkish man, 9 years older than me, he has an American PhD he didn't need me for a visa or money but I still deal with the drama. I have a degree from UPenn and my mother in law still treats me like I am an incompetent idiot who is not worthy of her son . After 6 years of marriage and a child my husband finally saw how screwed up and manipulative the culture is, including his sister and his mom. Don't get me started with my Tunisian ex who I left after he smacked me in the face with a cell phone and called his ex's all the time. After all this he tried to get me fired from my job, by calling my boss a f'n B'h and telling them I am crazy and then flew from Ca to Pa to get me back where he tried to run my car off the road.

Over the years I have seen a number of my Iranian, Arab, Indian friends in America sleep around with American women and promise them the world and when it comes to marriage they usually return to their culture. The reality is very few hybrid couples work out. Day by day it gets better..

By the way what city was your ex from?
 
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Lellaji

Guest
Honey you will never understand his behavior. We come from a culture where we don't have to manipulate other people to survive in our daily lives, so we love blindly expecting that same love in return. What I have learned over the years is that many people from these "shame/honor societies" will never see outside women as human beings with feelings.

I am married to a Turkish man, 9 years older than me, he has an American PhD he didn't need me for a visa or money but I still deal with the drama. I have a degree from UPenn and my mother in law still treats me like I am an incompetent idiot who is not worthy of her son . After 6 years of marriage and a child my husband finally saw how screwed up and manipulative the culture is, including his sister and his mom. Don't get me started with my Tunisian ex who I left after he smacked me in the face with a cell phone and called his ex's all the time. After all this he tried to get me fired from my job, by calling my boss a f'n B'h and telling them I am crazy and then flew from Ca to Pa to get me back where he tried to run my car off the road.

Over the years I have seen a number of my Iranian, Arab, Indian friends in America sleep around with American women and promise them the world and when it comes to marriage they usually return to their culture. The reality is very few hybrid couples work out. Day by day it gets better..

By the way what city was your ex from?
@joon Good Morning. I wished I had anything left after the ex moroccan and now my tunisian, he is from tataouine. I liked how you put things in your first paragraph about us not needing to manipulate others to get what we want even tho people do alot of mind fucking, i never seen it so bad except with my arab experiences and i know it's just them who won me over b/c i had many many and many all talk talk talking and promising and blah blah blah, dont think i didnt catch on but there had to be ONE right one....and i hadnt enough time to even live with my current husband or for us to start living as husband and wife, we were just married in sept of 2013 and i was away from him for over a year before I was back Dec 2014 and just left him Jan 11...this time being back was the worst and I could sense and feel shit going on and of course we had some 'issues' but the only issues having to do with me just demanding the basic courtesies or contributions , i mean i have patience yes and of course i cant see what he's up to but i believed him 1,000,000% where most times i would be bugging him or checking up on or just being demanding , i wasnt, iwas so patient and understanding with him and each and everything and he reassured me the truth of it all, after i had been with him 2x for 3 week periods...even i had said to him i know this isnt enough time for us to KNOW each other and see how we really deal with situations and real life...real life i know isnt just visiting and having each other 24/7 and utter bliss and fun...i know that but i was serious and i would have done anything and followed through, i just needed to see more from him. he basically abandoned me and he's been neglecting me for sometime and excuses all the time and eventually starting lashing out at me for not caring enough or who knows giving enough time or maybe cuz i dont go running crying to him everytime he punishes me with silence...im not stupid! i knowwhat is right and not right and he wasnt acting right and in the end he blamed it all on me it seems, i was the one who failed him even tho he was the one keeping all his whereabouts and wheeelings and dealings a secret but when he needed money he could find me, he could be more persuasive...this has hit me like a ton of bricks...last night i was not good at all and today this morning either, receiving that last skype message from his sister was like just throwing me out to the wolves or under a train, i dont know how they live with themselves and im here still trying to figure it all out and asking myself how could they do this to me? how could they after i was part of this family, now i dont even exist....i fear that if i had chance to talk i would curse them out, i am getting angrier but honestly its too much pain....too much
 

joon

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 15, 2015
Messages
361
Try to stay busy, go out with friends, spend as much time with family and friends who will build up your broken self-esteem. Do whatever you can to get your mind off this no good piece of shit and time will heal much of the pain. I think I saw your photo on here, you are a beautiful woman, with two amazing daughters. In the future someone with a brain will appreciate your beauty inside and out but not until you get your head together and are able to get over this idiot.

The reality is most people throughout the world are well meaning people, it is the bad apples which make all the others look bad and guys like these are scum they will bring everyone down with them, including their family. These are cultures where the men are raised by the women as kings that can do no wrong and the women are there just to cater to the men, occasionally you will find a good egg in the dozen, who believes that women deserve respect. Personally, I have always liked foreign men, I just try to stick with the ones who at least have a green card and education, they view the world differently.
There are many stereotypes about us, being rich, or being bad wives, being bad mothers who don't love their kids and this is a culture that if you are not a virgin before marriage you are labeled as worthless.
There is too much risk sponsoring others because of this. it sucks that these a-holes don't have a heart in the first place but thank god we are not like them. Frankly, good riddance to them, let the Tunisian women have them, if they are willing to put up with these little boys who can never grow up. We could never dehumanize others like these rats can they are clearly sick opportunistic people and it must suck to be them.. What you need is one of these
 

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WitchHazel

Guest
Hi Marion,
The title of your thread 'i love him, but what if?' I'll start with "What if he is genuine?" because this is what is in most women's mind:
You say you have visited him 4 times so far in 5 years, how long for? One or two weeks each year? This is not enough to truly understand the difference in culture and mentality. Even spending significant periods of time there, eg stays of 3 months, is not enough because our culture and mentality are worlds apart and, in addition, while you are there you are pretty much isolated and dependent on him, rat or not. If he is a rat he will purposely isolate you to maintain control, if he is not a rat he will keep you isolated because that is their culture, women are isolated, and because he will want to keep you safe (he knows his countrymen and their ways) - also they see little reason to educate you because it is their job to look after you and they just don't understand how different our ways of thinking are.
He promises to visit you each year but it's almost impossible for a Tunisian to get a tourist via to the USA and requires a significant amounts of money so unless he's very wealthy and can show he has good reason to return to Tunisia (family, property, business) he is unlikely to get a visa to visit you.

Based on my experience, in order for a Tunisian to obtain a travel Visa to the US - He needs to show proof of employment/pay check proof, proof of home ownership and they have to be interviewed at the Embassy and then a decision is made if they are a flight risk or if they authentically want to travel outside of their country to visit someone. He is an educated man and speaks fluent English as well and French. Mine visited me twice in the US and his visa granted was for 10 years.

So lets say he is genuine and you decide to marry. Where will you live? Tunisia or USA? For him to move to USA would be a major culture shock (lifestyle, work ethic, equality, socialising, family life, child rearing, openness between men and women, different foods, the list is endless) and very very few Tunisians (genuine or rat) are ultimately happy outside of their own environment. It takes a very adventurous and open minded person to adapt to all these changes. They don't have the same informative TV and media as we do so they are mostly unaware of different cultures or that people think/behave differently in different parts of the world.
For you to move to Tunisia is also a major culture shock however it is easier, I don't think you need a visa, and generally westerners are reasonably well travelled and have much more awareness of different cultures through TV and media so you are more likely to be able to adapt. However, you won't be able to work (you will only get a work permit if you can do work that a Tunisian can't do such as teach English) so you might be dependent on him financially. If you have children they will be raised as muslims and your life will be all about caring for the home (and his elderly parent) and raising the children (almost zero social life). The killer point is that if things go wrong further down the line and your relationship doesn't work you will not be able to leave Tunisia with your children unless you have his formal written consent (even if they are born in USA and you then take them to Tunisia to live or visit) - So unless you are willing to return to the USA without your children you will be stuck in Tunisia with no means of income other than what he might give you. If you are married to a Tunisian your embassy can do very little to help you and they cannot help with getting your children out of the country.

What if he's a rat?
There are so many scenarios so the best thing is to read as much as you can on here - there are many many stories.....
Also read here http://beznessalert.com/eng/index.html
and here http://www.tunisia-love.com/
and here http://www.1001geschichte.de/
and this is google translation from Turkish but you'll get the gist http://translate.google.com/translate?depth=1&hl=en&prev=search&rurl=translate.google.com&sl=de&u=http://www.turkish-talk.com/entscheidung_fuer_den_tourismus.html
Read as much as you can - only you can decide if he is a rat or not :( If you decide he is, run for the hills.....
 
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WitchHazel

Guest
was already scammed once or so it seems....different Arab ...moroccan...u think young tunisian Virgin is ideal than a real woman? ?
A young virgin women is a breeder to them....but a familiar breeder. They aren't marrying for some amazing romantic purpose....they are taking care of themselves first by using and abusing as many people as they can in order to gain the almighty dollar....Then they go home and do as their culture dictates. Every look into a sharks black, beady eyes? It's the same thing when you look into the eyes of these men as that is what is in their soul - BLACKNESS
 

AnnaKoz

Active Member
Joined
May 15, 2015
Messages
44
[Цитата="Марион, должность: 195127, член: 29220"]я был в междугородние отношения с Тунисским мужчиной почти 5 лет теперь. Мы познакомились через Facebook в 2011 году. Мы обручились летом прошлого года. Впрочем, это в 5-й раз я буду посещать Тунис этим летом, и мне действительно надоело. Он не навещал меня пока нет, (я живу в Лос-Анджелесе) или удовлетворяет каким-либо из моих друзей или семьи. Каждый год там какие-то оправдания, и обещания навестить меня на следующий год. Я не знал, что в моей ситуации было так распространено! После всех этих лет, я наконец-то возникают сомнения. Я устал постоянно летать туда, чтобы увидеть его. Я потратил тысячи долларов каждое лето. Я понимаю, что страна очень бедная. Многие оказываются в очень сложных ситуациях, с очень низкой зарплатой, чтобы прокормить себя и свои семьи. . Никогда не делал я ожидаю, что будет поддерживать отношения на большом расстоянии, и остаться верными так долго ! Но теперь я начинаю сомневаться в моих отношениях. Он стоит всех моих усилий и денег ? Что я приобрела от него ? Как эти отношения на пользу мне? Я действительно люблю его, но вы никогда не можете доверять никому! Я устала ждать и мечтать...что мне делать ??? Я не хочу оставлять его :([/Цитата]

точь в точь моя версия. но я не замужем, мне хватило здравого смысла. хотя я, конечно, дурак. этот парень Тунисский - то женится ради денег и халявы. Вы готовы к этому? затем вы делаете это. ты не готов - тогда не делайте этого. Вы не получите кота лаять как собака? нет такой возможности - а также чего ожидать от Туниса еще чем, чтобы заставить вас заплатить это с удовольствием. until you pay the money - he loves you. when you're not around - he loves others who pay the money. he is Tunisian)
 
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Lellaji

Guest
would like to know what you wrote but i cant read....is it...RUSSIAN?:oops:
 
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Lellaji

Guest
Honey you will never understand his behavior. We come from a culture where we don't have to manipulate other people to survive in our daily lives, so we love blindly expecting that same love in return. What I have learned over the years is that many people from these "shame/honor societies" will never see outside women as human beings with feelings.

I am married to a Turkish man, 9 years older than me, he has an American PhD he didn't need me for a visa or money but I still deal with the drama. I have a degree from UPenn and my mother in law still treats me like I am an incompetent idiot who is not worthy of her son . After 6 years of marriage and a child my husband finally saw how screwed up and manipulative the culture is, including his sister and his mom. Don't get me started with my Tunisian ex who I left after he smacked me in the face with a cell phone and called his ex's all the time. After all this he tried to get me fired from my job, by calling my boss a f'n B'h and telling them I am crazy and then flew from Ca to Pa to get me back where he tried to run my car off the road.

Over the years I have seen a number of my Iranian, Arab, Indian friends in America sleep around with American women and promise them the world and when it comes to marriage they usually return to their culture. The reality is very few hybrid couples work out. Day by day it gets better..

By the way what city was your ex from?
@joon tataouine
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
5,035
I have been in a long distance relationship with a Tunisian man for almost 5 years now. We met through Facebook in 2011. We got engaged last summer. However, it's the 5th time I will be visiting Tunisia this summer, and I'm really fed up. He hasn't visited me yet, (I live in Los Angeles) or met any of my friends or family. Every year there is some kind of excuse, and promises to visit me the following year. I wasn't aware that my situation was so common! After all these years, I finally start having doubts. I'm tired of constantly flying out there to see him. I spent thousands of dollars every summer. I understand the country is very poor. Many find themselves in very difficult situations, with very low salary to support themselves and their families. . NeveR did I expect to be in a long distance relationship, and stay faithful for so long ! But now I'm beginning to question my relationship. Is he worth all my effort And money ? What have I gained from him ? How has a this relationship benefited me? I do truly love him, but you can never trust anyone! I'm tired of waiting and dreaming...what do I do ??? I don't want to leave him :(
:( Years invested, feelings, projects, money... love rats bring nothing to the table.
 
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