I need help!

Laura2014

Staff Member and frightfully nice rat catcher
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Thank you for the reply. He has appeared very strict that he cannot be with a woman until marriage. He told me that we could not even hug until we are married. His mother only speaks Arabic but she has tried her best with English. The last time we spoke about 10 days ago with his mother she was crying tears of joy as she was happy her son found someone that made him happy and loved him.
That in itself is a contradiction. Trust me, if she was a devout Muslim woman she would not be overjoyed her son was marrying an older western woman, regardless if you are changing your religion. If she is overjoyed it is more likely to be that the months he spent trawling the internet have finally paid off with a possible golden ticket. There is a great risk that he’s trying to lead you to believe he’s an honest religious man to make you falsely believe everything is legitimate. Please don’t take anything at face value. I think my post “ if it’s your first time here read this” is attached to this reply. Please read it.
 

Brasilgirl

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I have been interested in converting for some time. I am 28 and he is 24 not sure if that is an age gap. We spoke for 4 hours on Tuesday and then nothing Wednesday or Thursday. Friday he sent a text directly not through Whatsapp. I have heard nothing since. What concerned me 3 weeks ago is that he reactivated his profile on the penpal site interpals and was there for a week and then deleted the profile again.
WhatsApp shows the time people were last active. As for deactivating his pen pal account, that does not look good.
The big thing is that his excuse is pitifully weak. If he has problems with his sister, wouldn’t he want to talk to you? He wants to marry you, he should be closest to you. You should be the first person he confides in. Instead he distances you.
You are smart to ask for advise about him.
He doesn’t act like he’s committed to you, and he’s obviously hiding something.
Be careful when he contacts you.
Don’t send money for the wedding. Sometimes they take the wedding money and run. If you give them money there is no way to get it back. They can’t send money out of their country back to you because they have a closed currency.
 

Masha

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796
Hello,
I met a Tunisian man on a Pen Pal website. I am due to leave on September 1st to be married to this man. We talk all of the time. He has asked me for nothing. But, After he deleted his profile on that app months ago 3 weeks later I discovered he had put it back with no photo. It was there for 1 week then deleted.

So something strange happened this week. We had a the best 4 hour conversation on Tuesday evening. He said that he would call the next day. I did not hear from him on Wednesday, Thursday then on Friday he sent a text saying he had a disagreement with his sister and was depressed but he said I love you so much. We have never missed talking on the weekends. I still have not heard from him through the app we speak on or the phone which is through the app.

In the last 2 weeks I have spoke to his mother twice he translated. I do not understand why he is not communicating with me. He told me he had found the cook for our wedding party and a good man for our contract. I do not know what to think or what I should do. I am in the process of converting to Muslim my idea. Any suggestions will be very much appreciated.
Hello. Is this all really happening? Is that some kind of a joke? I do not want to sound rude but I thought things like that do not happen these days. I wonder if you have any self-preservation insitinct at all. I can understand hormones, infatuation or desperation but what you are doing is trying to finish your life in a gently speaking reckless way.
Thousands of warnings online about Tunisian rats and bezness. A man who is a stranger and might be a psycho or have genital warts. A pig in a poke is nothing I would say. I would not marry a Dubai sheikh offering me a palace this way. Have you ever spoken to anybody back home about your decision? Are you not afraid for your liberties, marriage scam , having to share your money and place of living with someone you HAVE NEVER MET IN PERSON?
 
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Brasilgirl

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Hello. Is this all really happening? Is that some kind of a joke? I do not want to sound rude but I thought things like that do not happen these days. I wonder if you have any self-preservation insitinct at all. I can understand hormones, infatuation or desperation but what you are doing is trying to finish your life in a gently speaking reckless way.
Thousands of warnings online about Tunisian rats and bezness. A man who is a stranger and might be a psycho or genital warts. A pig in a poke is nothing I would say. I would not marry a Dubai sheikh offering me a palace this way. Have you ever spoken to anybody back home about your decision? Are you not afraid for your liberties, marriage scam , having to share your money and place of living with someone you HAVE NEVER MET IN PERSON?
When you talk to someone everyday you feel as though you really know them.
I’m sure she thought about stopping the wedding if there were any problems when she met him, so it feels relatively safe. Eights months is a long time to continue a charade, so you believe he is sincere.
So, yes it is possible. He’s says the right things. He’s attentive. He’s a dream come true. Just not physically yet. And if you love someone, the physical doesn’t matter as much as the feelings in your heart.
But he messed up. He started to take her feelings for granted. Probably because he’s never experienced real love before, so he doesn’t understand how he screwed up.
If he truley loved her he would be talking to her everyday. Saying he can’t wait, etc. He wouldn’t be ghosting her.
And, I didn’t know about beznes until I started to plan my trip to Tunisia and started looking for information online. That’s when I found this forum.
My rat fished me. I wasn’t looking for anyone to date at all. We started as just friends. So why would I search for information in the beginning? He never asked me for money, or anything, just my time.
 

Mango Chutney

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He has appeared very strict that he cannot be with a woman until marriage. He told me that we could not even hug until we are married.
This puts pressure on you to marry fast. Alarm bells should really be ringing.
The last time we spoke about 10 days ago with his mother she was crying tears of joy as she was happy her son found someone that made him happy and loved him.
That is the same as my ratty mother in law. I made Houssem's life complete, he was nothing before me, all she wanted was for him to be happy, he was so different after meeting me, so happy, blah, blah, blah :rolleyes:
I'm afraid on the next book shelf up, two rows across from 'The rat bible' is the 'Mummy rat manual'....they all spout the same rubbish: I love you, you my daughter etc :rolleyes:
You are a stranger on the internet, love is not possible, just infatuation.
As a mother myself, I would hit the roof if one of my sons told me he was marrying a stranger off the internet.

Did you want to convert BEFORE you met him online?
 

Masha

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When you talk to someone everyday you feel as though you really know them.
I’m sure she thought about stopping the wedding if there were any problems when she met him, so it feels relatively safe. Eights months is a long time to continue a charade, so you believe he is sincere.
So, yes it is possible. He’s says the right things. He’s attentive. He’s a dream come true. Just not physically yet. And if you love someone, the physical doesn’t matter as much as the feelings in your heart.
But he messed up. He started to take her feelings for granted. Probably because he’s never experienced real love before, so he doesn’t understand how he screwed up.
If he truley loved her he would be talking to her everyday. Saying he can’t wait, etc. He wouldn’t be ghosting her.
And, I didn’t know about beznes until I started to plan my trip to Tunisia and started looking for information online. That’s when I found this forum.
My rat fished me. I wasn’t looking for anyone to date at all. We started as just friends. So why would I search for information in the beginning? He never asked me for money, or anything, just my time.
Yes of course we do live in the age of the Internet but this should not change the fact that we need to at least check if the person on the other side of the screen is really that guy we are talking to. I understand one may fall in love with someone online but to marry someone and perform other sacrifices would need some more insight and careful verification. Even these might not be enough to avoid marrying a skilled rat. Exchanging loving messages and heading straight for marriage is like jumping into the car blindfolded hoping to get to your destination.
 
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I thought that you could not hug or touch unless you were married? Is this not true what he is saying. He sent a text this afternoon saying I am always on his mind and that he will call me tonight God willing and that he misses me. But I think he only did that because of the recording I sent. But, I feel very nervous in speaking with him if he does call.
 

Liona

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I thought that you could not hug or touch unless you were married?
It's not forbidden. It's not Saudi Arabia.
Wake up, dear, please wake up. You are being manipulated so hard.
It's time to ask yourself a lot of questions: why did he attract you? Why are you sure he could be believed? Why do you think he is the man you need in life? What did he DO to prove his love? What is love for you? And for him? Which your needs does he fulfil now? Which are his advantages and disadvantages? Do you know which values in life he shares? Do you have at least a little idea how he treat a woman in real life?
 

Mango Chutney

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I thought that you could not hug or touch unless you were married? Is this not true what he is saying. He sent a text this afternoon saying I am always on his mind and that he will call me tonight God willing and that he misses me. But I think he only did that because of the recording I sent. But, I feel very nervous in speaking with him if he does call.
No, it is not true. Even Tunisian couples hug and kiss...most of them are sexually active too.
He is lying for a fast marriage. Has he mentioned where you will both live after marriage? Who is paying for the wedding?
 

Brasilgirl

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I thought that you could not hug or touch unless you were married? Is this not true what he is saying. He sent a text this afternoon saying I am always on his mind and that he will call me tonight God willing and that he misses me. But I think he only did that because of the recording I sent. But, I feel very nervous in speaking with him if he does call.
The phone calls are so hard at this stage.
You want to question but he twists the conversation around. At least mine did.
Try making a list of things you want answers for before you talk. Ask him why he’s been so busy lately, etc? He’ll probably make something up. Remember what he tells you for an excuse because he probably won’t and you’ll catch him on that later if you talk again. It’s a good way to knock him off his game a bit.
Maybe tell him you can’t talk long. Your data is running out. Idk. But keep the conversation short. That makes it easier not to fall back into his spell. I say spell because that’s what it felt like for me.
Please stay on this forum. Let us know how things go. A lot of us have been back and forth with our feelings so don’t worry about feeling like a fool. These guys are good at what they do and can be very convincing.
 

Going for the limit

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I thought that you could not hug or touch unless you were married? Is this not true what he is saying. He sent a text this afternoon saying I am always on his mind and that he will call me tonight God willing and that he misses
me. But I think he only did that because of the recording I sent. But, I feel very nervous in speaking with him if he does call.
listen i dont want to come across abrupt but i am married to a tunisian and very happy but i know the dos and donts and i know the culture and how they should behave, i have seen so many women used and abused, i have seen so much, trust me the small part you have told me its a no no. The mother has to know you , not just video call, if she doesnt know you( im speaking of geniune) then you will not be married, the mothers are everything to them no way in hell she will allow her son to be married to someone she has not vetted out.
Your being really silly, im on the fence here because i am married, i am telling you this is bullshit. I know the culture i know the life and no it isnt familys being more diverse and open minded than others. This is a rat relationship, get out before you cause yourself severe emotional damage
 

Laura2014

Staff Member and frightfully nice rat catcher
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I thought that you could not hug or touch unless you were married? Is this not true what he is saying. He sent a text this afternoon saying I am always on his mind and that he will call me tonight God willing and that he misses me. But I think he only did that because of the recording I sent. But, I feel very nervous in speaking with him if he does call.
There will be lots of reasons he didn’t call. A relative was sick, a crisis at home, a family problem only he could resolve. The reality is he could have called or messaged at any point. It’s inexplicable why he is suddenly out of contact. Unless he is entertaining someone there.

Does he work in the tourism industry? Is he working? How is he paying for your wedding? Are family attending with you? Do you know what happens at a Tunisian wedding? There is scant detail at the moment but enough to raise your doubts and to be big red flags to people who have lived the dream which became a nightmare.

Why not ask someone here to check out what they can about him?

Have you don’t that yourself? Or have your family checked out his details?
 

Amira

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It's 100% correct that it's not acceptable to kiss on an open street or to keep in hand: It's not right to live together without being married if you were renting an apartment without being married and the police are standing in front of the door so I think sorry for you Have respect for their laws. In Tunsia it's a matter of sharia laws no joke . Read more about Tunisia and the culture .















 

Amira

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There is a big cultural difference between you and him. What do you think will happen if you marry and have children. Just forget that your kids will be Christian because it will never happen. He will educate them in his culture and be a way. Tunisia is an Arab country with Arab thought time. The man is allowed to do everything the woman is under pressure. Violence is accepted and control is common
 

Going for the limit

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Most certainly tunisians hug and hold hands even in the streets.
Obviously there is laws for no sex before marraige etc but to be honest people still do it but if caught you could both face prison time.
When 2 tunisians are in a relationship they are discrete you wont see them slobbering over each other out in the streets even the married ones
 

Going for the limit

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I really dont understand this converting. I actually laugh so much when i see women doing it. Fair enough if its in your heart and you have read and understood the quran fully . I could never ever convert, i am respectful towards my husbands family and friends but it isnt for me gosh its enough me going to a church just for weddings funerals and christnings never mind praying 5 times per day and all the other stuff that comes with it
 

Mango Chutney

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I really dont understand this converting. I actually laugh so much when i see women doing it. Fair enough if its in your heart and you have read and understood the quran fully . I could never ever convert, i am respectful towards my husbands family and friends but it isnt for me gosh its enough me going to a church just for weddings funerals and christnings never mind praying 5 times per day and all the other stuff that comes with it
I hear ya!!! :D
Honestly, I scroll through FB, see all these plastic converts in these really dark, tight hijabs...yet the Tunisian girls tend to wear pretty ones that are not tight.
I see all those faces that scream "I only eat bacon behind the husbands back".
I see all the 'Free Gaza' bullshit that they don't understand...and I laugh so much :D
I don't think most women that convert for a man understand that Islam is not just hijabs, bacon and FB posts.....it's an entire freakin lifestyle!
 

Going for the limit

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I hear ya!!! :D
Honestly, I scroll through FB, see all these plastic converts in these really dark, tight hijabs...yet the Tunisian girls tend to wear pretty ones that are not tight.
I see all those faces that scream "I only eat bacon behind the husbands back".
I see all the 'Free Gaza' bullshit that they don't understand...and I laugh so much :D
I don't think most women that convert for a man understand that Islam is not just hijabs, bacon and FB posts.....it's an entire freakin lifestyle!
I am dead over the ones who pretend to do ramadan but drink , smoke, and eat behind the hubbys back .
Private messages back and forth of cooked whole gammons at xmas , pretending they are eating beef ribs when its pork belly. Oh and my absolute favourite when they freaking calling each other sister .i saw a conversation where the word sister was was used 14 times in 3 replies hahaha
 

Big Bang Theory

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@Katelynn Smith I live in Tunisia and I have been through a rat relationship which started like the love dream and ended in the worst nightmare.
I now see this almost on a daily basis, I have rescued women (and a couple of men) who have been locked up for months while their cash card empties their bank account, women who have been beaten and raped some who have been driven crazy through manipulation. these are not rare events and I cringe every time a new coachload of tourists turn up because it will invariably happen to at least one of them....

here is my advice to you:
don't go - block, delete and cut all contact. do not take time to explain or discuss this with him, he's likely a prize winning manipulator who will have reasons for everything and knows how to play you to make you feel guilty.

IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GO - Do NOT be dependent on him. take a relative or friend with you and book your own accommodation (members here might be able to help with this so ask if needed).
if you don't have a relative or friend who can go with you, still book your own accommodation (preferably hotel where you will have contact with other foriegners).
AND join Facebook groups for expats living in Tunisia, bezness groups (some members live in tunisia) etc.. and post on those groups asking if anyone can meet for coffee - get to know others (NOT Tunisian men who will probably offer to meet you).
in short, have a level of independence and a safety net in case the shit hits the fan.

if he's a rat he will try to dissuade you from meeting others and will try to isolate you and make you dependent on him, his family and his friends.

if he accepts your independence he could still be a rat (a very clever one) but at least you will be safer and build up your own network of support in his country
 
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Going for the limit

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@Katelynn Smith I live in Tunisia and I have been through a rat relationship which started like the love dream and ended in the worst nightmare.
I now see this almost on a daily basis, I have rescued women (and a couple of men) who have been locked up for months while their cash card empties their bank account, women who have been beaten and raped some who have been driven crazy through manipulation. these are not rare events and I cringe every time a new coachload of tourists turn up because it will invariably happen to at least one of them....

here is my advice to you:
don't go - block, delete and cut all contact. do not take time to explain or discuss this with him, he's likely a prize winning manipulator who will have reasons for everything and knows how to play you to make you feel guilty.

IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GO - Do NOT be dependent on him. take a relative or friend with you and book your own accommodation (members here might be able to help with this so ask if needed).
if you don't have a relative or friend who can go with you, still book your own accommodation (preferably hotel where you will have contact with other foriegners).
AND join Facebook groups for expats living in Tunisia, bezness groups (some members live in tunisia) etc.. and post on those groups asking if anyone can meet for coffee - get to know others (NOT Tunisian men who will probably offer to meet you).
in short, have a level of independence and a safety net in case the shit hits the fan.

if he's a rat he will try to dissuade you from meeting others and will try to isolate you and make you dependent on him, his family and his friends.

if he accepts your independence he could still be a rat (a very clever one) but at least you will be safer and build up your own network of support in his country
I agree @Big Bang Theory but i think she shouldnt go. They havnt met and already arranged to be married, regardless how she feels when she gets there im.sure the family will put pressure on her to marry she will be stuck in a situation that will almost be impossible to get out of .
I currently have a ' friend ' who is being pressured into marraige, typical rat relationship with the story telling and so on. Her last message to me only a few days ago that she had finally ended it with him .i was so shocked last night to see on fb she had got back with him and had recieved alot of messages from his family. Her rat is good though hes behaving himself because he knows the end goal is worth more to him. I want to bash her head off a wall
 

Heidi

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Post from a victim

Hi ladies and gents. I recently came back on a trip from meeting my "Tunisian Lover" but we did not meet in Paris...instead I went to Tunisia to meet him face-to-face. I'm a 24-year-old girl from America and this was my first time flying on an airplane, my first time traveling outside America, and first time meeting the guy I thought I was "so in love with." It's been almost 3 weeks since I arrived back to America and I'm really struggling with life. Going overseas had some strange affect on me, and I can't seem to shake it off. I feel that I've lost my identity. I feel ashamed and foolish and it's just now occurring to me that I was part of their scam. I'd like to share my story to others in case they are thinking of going to Tunisia to meet a guy they met off the internet. Of course, I thought my situation with Wajih was special, and I went with the plan of staying in this country for at least 6 months - getting to know Wajih, his family, his culture, and confirming whether or not our love was real. I still don't know about that last part. Because this culture is so shady and the people are not trustworthy at all. I still don't know if he really felt anything for me or not. In my personal experience going to Tunisia, I learned that not all people are treated equally. Especially if you are American and especially if you are a woman. Wajih wanted me to think that I was special, and he was going to serve me the royal treatment, but this is all a hype. It's just for one thing - the golden ticket. AKA - the visa. I read in previous posts that often times, the Tunisian family is in on the scam. Let me tell you what - this is absolutely true. The family will put on a face lift just to get you to marry their precious son. And in case you are wondering - yes, I returned to America a new bride. No, it was not because I wanted to marry him. In my heart, I wanted to be far away from him, hence returning to America after less then 2 weeks in this God-forsaken third world country. By the way, not all parts of Tunisia are third-world...just the neighborhood Wajih lives in. Even his English-speaking friend admitted his "hood" was pretty unsafe. But we did marry, per his request, because remember - this is a Muslim country, under Islam law, and being a woman, the men do not have to listen to you. They do not have to respect you. Once they marry you, you are considered their "property." This is true. I experience it firsthand. I was lied to about everything. Everything Wajih told me, prior to going to Tunisia, EVERYTHING was a lie. He even lied about the reasons for which he was denied an American visa. They told me I could keep my original birth certificate after marrying him. I nervously gave them my real birth certificate, and then they told me it now belonged to them because I had married Wajih. Of course I understand it is easy to replace a birth certificate, but just the fact that they lied about returning it to me, they do not care. They can lie, because they are men, and they are dominant over women. Wajih has called me every name in the book - he has called me a "dog" "b!tch" "wh!re" "prostitute" and other names I don't want to think about. He was not the perfect gentleman I thought he was, prior to going to Tunisia. How can a person truly love a husband or wife who calls them terrible names? My American friends, they do not understand what I am going through now. They do not understand when I tell them I was forced to marry. Because people do not understand that when you are in a Muslim country, and especially because I traveled alone, my western independence and freedom were left at the airport in Chicago O'Hare. Unless you travel in a group of people, or go with friends or a boyfriend/husband, anything can happen to you. I was just lucky I was not raped or beaten. I was lucky Wajih did not take away my passport and prevented me from returning to America, because at times I did not understand what he was thinking or saying to people when he spoke to them in Arabic. I still do not know if he wanted to marry me for a visa, or if he really loved me and wanted to prevent me from leaving the country. Nothing is clear to me. Everything is hazy. I'm just so lucky to be back on American soil, where I am safe and protected under American law. During my travels leading me to Tunisia, there were times I spoke to other female travelers either on the plane or at the airport. They were curious as to why I was going to Tunisia. When I told them I was going to meet my boyfriend for the first time, many of them warned me about the dangers of being a blonde Christian girl going to a Muslim country. They encouraged me to leave right away if at anytime I felt unsafe or did not understand what was happening. And I did exactly that. My very first night in Tunisia, Wajih took me to a dirty, nasty apartment complex where we would be staying for a couple nights. I did not understand why we were not going to his house to meet his family. I had bought presents for the Mother and Father and 3 brothers and I was very excited to see them in person. He lied and told me they were on vacation in Djerba, but then I learned it was not true when I tried to leave Tunisia and Wajih found me and called his mother to come to the dirty apartment to calm me down. Wasn't his Mother supposed to be in Djerba with the rest of the family? But prior to calling his Mother, he had finally agreed to take me to his house because I was freaking out and crying, and then left me on the porch steps of his house to go find keys so he could open the doors. It was such a weird house, it was like 4 levels and each level had a room but the rooms were tiny and his whole family was crammed in this strange home. Only one 2 levels were furnished, the 3rd level was a secret, I was not allowed to go inside, and the top level was not furnished. This was where the 3 brothers slept, I guess. There were mattresses on the floor and and clothes and junk everywhere. I did not know where he was going to put me. Did he think I was going to live in a hotel for 6 months? I have tried asking him, what his plan was for me, where we were going to live during my time in Tunisia, but he never did give me an answer. Well it was at this point when I was waiting for him to return with the keys that I was convinced he was hiding a wife or girlfriend, and I got scared and started running 2 blocks and I found a guy and asked him to call police but he did not understand my English very well. Then Wajih caught up to me and spoke to the guy in Arabic and then we walked back to the car together. And then we stayed in the dirty apartment another night but he locked it from the inside so I could not leave the apartment unless he was with me, because he said he was afraid I was going to run away again. But isn't it my human right to leave anytime I want? From the very first night of being with Wajih, I felt something was wrong and I knew that everything my mother had told me, well she was right. Plus being English speaking and Wajih is Arabic speaking, made me paranoid everytime he spoke to people in Arabic. I did not know what was being said about me or if he was making devious plans and saying them right in front of my face. I just had no trust in the people anymore. So I asked to go to the American embassy the next day but he kept telling me they were closed and we could not go. He said he was driving me to Djerba with another guy named Zied and we were going to be leaving at night, but like it was going to be an 8 hour drive because Djerba was far away. He did not want to stay in Aryanah anymore. He did not even want to bring my luggage in the house because we were leaving right away, but in order for me to travel with him to Djerba we needed to go to the police station so I could write a statement saying that I agreed to travel with Wajih to Djerba so he did not get into trouble with the police in Djerba. But it was not a police station is was different, there was no sign outside the building a lot of people entered and exited but nobody looked like police. And he talked to a guy but they guy did not understand English and Wajih did all the talking. And then he called his father to ask permission to marry me but we did not get married that day.

The reason why I'm saying all these things, is because I'm going through something terrible in my heart and I can not talk to friends or family about this because most people who have not been to Tunisia can not identify with this way of life or culture. I remember talking to some of you ladies about this a few months before I went to Tunisia, but during that time I thought I might be meeting Wajih in a different country. It just didn't work out that way and I was so blinded by this guy that I had this fantasy in my head that life was going to be really good with him in Tunisia. I had to try it to learn the hard way. On the contrary, maybe life can be really good, maybe there are some great Tunisian guys and it's romantic and true love and you can make a sustainable life in this country. I have so many more stories to tell just from my quick 2 weeks of being in this foreign country but I've written so much already. Anyway I hope this helps other women who are thinking of going. Maybe it just depends on the Tunisian guy you meet, but I really feel in my heart that these online relationships are not going to turn out the way you think they will. You really need to be careful because there are good Muslim guys and bad ones and in this culture, I experienced that I was not respected and they did not listen to my concerns and when I told Wajih I did not want to do something, it was not my choice and he made decisions for me. I got sick from the food because it was not cooked properly and he still made me eat even when I told him I felt sick. If you are thinking of going to meet your online boyfriend for the first time, it's a really good idea to take a man with you, such as your father or uncle or brother or a good male friend, because you don't know what could happen to you over there but you will be in much better security if you travel with a man who truly cares about your safety and well being.
 
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