Met married and now 3 years later

Discussion in 'Ben's Corner' started by neela, Dec 28, 2013.

  1. neela

    neela Well-Known Member

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    we met in , married later and he joined me after another year we have now been living together for over three years like all there have been ups and downs, but now I am starting to ask myself if its just a scam. He says our lives have many differences and maybe he should have a separate flat we work totally different hours and dont have much time together, he practises his religion, pays half the basic outgoings. We lead almost separate lives. He spend his main holiday in Tunisia for ramadan. We had 1 weeks holiday this year. Now he is talking about living separately so that for example he can get up early to pray as I then will not be there to copmlain (note I get up at 6 am in anycase 5days a week).
    I am wondering whats really going on any ideas?
     
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  2. MH007

    MH007 Moderator Staff Member

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    Separate bedrooms maybe? Not homes!! An excuse I fear :-(

    The more I hear about these people the more I realise how naive I was!

    Can you afford separate flats, I struggle and yet my son pays half our rent and I am not on a bad salary! You should work through your differences as a couple, that is if it is genuine?

    xxxxxxxxx
     
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  3. the nutty professor

    the nutty professor Bad Teacher

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    Hi Neela and welcome

    being married to a tunisian your story resonates with me.
    first question is does he have a permanent visa so no longer needs to reside with you?

    My husband and i work very different hours and it was starting to feel like we had very separate lives. We were eating and sleeping at different times. Mr nutty didnt really nitice this til i pointed it out. Our solution is to have "date night" each week where we eat together, go out, shop together, have a coffee, whatever it might be.

    As far as holidays and ramadan goes the last 2 summers we have gone to tunisia for 2 weeks together, a week before ramadan ie non fasting and in hotel, 2nd week ramadan and him visiting family.

    tbh he seems very keen on leading a single life -I think you need to raise your concerns with him and see how it goes.
     
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  4. catgirl

    catgirl Well-Known Member

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    Unfortunately I have to agree with Nutty :-(
    To me, his behaviour seems like being the beginning of the end :-(
    He tries to manipulate you the way he wants to have his idea.

    Did he pray a lot when you met him or did that start when he came to the UK ?
    You only need three common years in the UK, dont you? (In Germany it is five common years),
    so it looks very obvious to me...I mean, he didnt think of "disturbing you with his prayers" all the years before,
    didnt he?
    Very strange.....
     
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  5. Laurence

    Laurence Well-Known Member

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    Neela, sorry to say so, but this man got what he was looking for and doesn't need you anymore now...lame excuses from his side!!!!
     
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  6. catgirl

    catgirl Well-Known Member

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    Yes, he is on his way out :-(
     
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  7. marilyna

    marilyna Chocolate Connoisseur

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    Welcome to TLR Neela,

    It does not sound good at all. Sounds like things are on the rocks and he is distancing himself from you. If you live separately here, what is the point in being together. He wants out.
     
  8. neela

    neela Well-Known Member

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    He hasnt got the permanent residence permit yet as at the appointment his new passport wasnt ready and so the new appointment was made for mid march we are in germany. I also have to attend this appointment which is why I wonder what the game is. I entered this marriage with what I thought were open eyes having read so much in english and german you all khow about 1001 stories some awefuul things happen. There were no signs. he has always practised his religion from the beginning though not too punctual with the prayers.
     
  9. Alien

    Alien Well-Known Member

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    Neela, I know it's so hard and very painful to read so many congruous answer to your question, but I also have to say, I agree with other members quoted before me.:Cry:
    Is he talking about living separately from you???!!:eek: Why?! Sorry to say but his reasons are bullshits!!!! :( If he really loved you and you saw eachother only rare, he would say that he wants to be with you more in particular! I know it's a very hard work to keep in live the relationship, when two people work at different time schedule. But the solution is not this what he proposed to you! And how would he like to have that flat? Does he think that you will buy one to him???!!! The third, it's very strange that he goes to Tunisia for Ramadan, and he doesn't bring you, - his wife - to his family. As far as I know, Ramadan is a very big holiday for them, usually the family members are together a few days at least if they are able to, and after the sunset they eat together and play together for example with card or chess. Why he leave you alone during this big holiday?
     
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  10. crystal

    crystal The Punchy Scot

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    Neela I was married to a a Tunisian man I brought him here. it took me 3 months to throw him out!!! although I was with him 3 years.. and friends 5 years/// he is putting his cards on the table...but also trying to keep u sweet for his own ends......your country your rules...time to fight.........
     
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  11. Laurence

    Laurence Well-Known Member

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    Neela, a loving and caring husband has the same behavior all over the world: he wants to live and share as much time as he can with the woman he is married to.
    When a man is asking to live separately, something is wrong, very wrong. There can be several reasons for doing this, but in your case what comes to mind is that he will soon have the papers, won't loose anymore time and is preparing his time to come...with another woman probably. Maybe some "fiancée" from his country is putting pressure on him and doesn't stand the idea that he still lives with you...
    He's always been a muslim, right from the start of your relationship, but now he has evoluated to a practising one...and doesn't want or need you anymore.
    My best guess: you are a very gentle and smoothgoing person, he knows you do respect his religion...so his lame excuse was found.
    Please do reconsider what you'll be telling during this appointment in March. One conclusion: he lost patience and seeing the end coming he revealed his true intentions too soon...
     
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  12. neela

    neela Well-Known Member

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    thanks to everyone for their opinions on my question I am alert and waiting to see what the new year will bring. I shall keep my own council and decide nearer the time about the appointment. You know we have never had any hassle from the german officials and the whole visa application from the beginnig was unbelievably fast. I must put one point straight about Ramadan I do not wish to participate in the Ramadan time in Tunisia have been there and believe it is better to leave people to it unless you join in. I am really venting my frustration about a situation which is caused through our life style, where there is very little freetime, This led to a discussion where the idea of living separately was mentioned. To date I have not had reason to question my husbands motives towards me. I find the cultural differences interesting as well as incomprehensible at times, we live in a country where we are both foreigners. I am aware it can take years for true motives to come to light or not as the case may be.
    Anyhow one again many thanks to you all and best wishes for 2014
     
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  13. mezoo

    mezoo The Decider

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    "he practises his religion"---------dump him
    hope you don't have kids...
     
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  14. Laurence

    Laurence Well-Known Member

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    Best wishes to you as well Neela!
    I know it is not easy to read answers that you don't like...but that's the risk you take when asking questions.
    Anyway, you'll learn soon what his true intentions were about...
     
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  15. crystal

    crystal The Punchy Scot

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    Neela the piece of advise I will give you is this... He has been paying half the bills... he needs to do this as he has to be on the utility bills...where is the other half of his money..I assume he has it...so by now a nice we amount..enough for him to be solvent... I do not understand his motives for wanting to live apart... this will not give you more time together? this is a separation... Please get your finances in order... he can get a lot from you by the sounds of it... You need to think with your head... what are your wants...is this acceptable to you... I believe he has already his new life in place and i am sorry but I do not think you are part of it.. He is afraid you will find out before March.. they are so devious in there plays... I hate to say this to you but one day he will walk away and he will not look back.. Yes wait to see what the new year will be ..but do now take action..without him knowing.. Protect yourself and limit the damage... Happy New Year to you...to you to... be smart
     
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  16. Wallah wallah

    Wallah wallah Member

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    I will join in: Be Smart,
    1. Make sure You have secured Your belongings ( apartment ?) and evrything you had before you met him as legally yours !
    We have a form for that that you can find on the internet make him sign that (...)
    If not already done.
    2. See if you can find a layer that are a expert on this cases ( don't tell him obviously )
    And do not go in on march appointment to help him ( because you are also a foreigner?), if you do so, you have to deal with this for so much longer.
    3. Be sure that you have some a few friends/ family that know about your doubts and can support you if it will be a separation.
    Ofcourse you should try mr. Nuttys solution first: date nights build common ground, but if he don't like your activities and you don't like to participate in his I.e Ramadan what do you share ?

    The prayer excuse is just not true.
    Good luck !
     
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  17. catgirl

    catgirl Well-Known Member

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    Neela, you mentioned you live in Germany together but you are both foreigners in Germany.
    What is your nationality?
     
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  18. neela

    neela Well-Known Member

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    Its a while since my first post I am taking the nutty professors advice but keepimg whtat you have all said in the back of my head. Catgirl, I have a german passport but am originally english. the utility bills here are not used as id and he simply gives me the cash each month. everything is in my name . I know what the rest of his wages are used for, he has been cheated by someone in tunisia its a long story which I will post some time under another thread. I am a bit down as it really is a time and communication thing which is making the doubts creep into my head.
     
  19. catgirl

    catgirl Well-Known Member

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    So with a German Passport you are a German in Germany :)
    I was only asking, if in a separation another country´s law might apply, when you have both different nationalities then
    German....

    Well, it is good, that everything is under your Name, so you have the control!
    Is the rental contract of your flat only under your Name, too?
    Does he have access rights to your bank account?

    Ich lebe auch in Deutschland, Du kannst mich gern per Privatnachricht anschreiben :)
     
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  20. MissMetal

    MissMetal Well-Known Member

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    Hi Neela,

    Sorry to hear about your experience. Like everyone else it does appear doubtful that his intentions are to stay. I can only talk about my experience with hubby as we have different circumstances. I live in North America so going home is not as easy for hubby. But Hubby will gladly offer to sleep in the other room if his snoring or prayers or ramadan prayers are waking me up. Even when he is sick he leaves the room, he never wants me to be inconvienced, and when Im sick and coughing and keeping him awake he also sleeps in the lounge (we have a 1 bed).

    We generally start out ramadan in the same bedroom and his alarms is on vibrate only, and rarely wakes me up. Sometimes i will hear a clunck in the kitchen when he's preparing food, but I know he's being as considerate as possible and Ramadan is important to him so I try to accommodate it too in the best ways I can.

    Date Nights are a great idea and good for any relationship.

    Try reconnect if you can and if his religion is that important to him, try get involved in other ways, not sure if you do but maybe celebrating Eid with him, or cookign some of his favourite treats they have during ramadan. He's likely missing his home and some comforts and with your odd hours he's disconnecting more and more from you
     
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  21. Amber

    Amber oo la la ;)

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    Hi Neela ,
    I'm sorry you're going through a very uncomfortable moment , i hear you have doubts , and sadly , reading all the above posts , i think all the details ring huge alarm bells ...i wouldn 't even buy the story that he was scammed by someone in tunisia , sorry to be a bit blunt ...but you know they all send money to their families and spare money to build themselves a life afterwards there with a tunisian woman
    A painful and difficult situation you're going through ...i wonder why you're actually living in germany ? i hope you have support and friends around you there and i really invite you to give a deep thougth to what you're going to tell in the next appointment : if you want to see his true colours and stop living in doubts , i 'm sure you know what you have to do to ...
    I am really sorry but i feel he 's on his way out , please don't make exuses for him, i know it hurts but the sooner you react and protect yourself the better you will feel in the end
    Wishing you strength and courage
     
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  22. Pearla

    Pearla Well-Known Member

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    Hi Neela,
    I am so sorry about what you are going through. I have had my fare share of stories, and crazy making... Please do not believe all what he is saying.
    I also agree with a view, that he is planning his way out, why would he not be looking for spending MORE time with his wife?
    I would definitely not show up at that appointment in March.
    Please take care of YOURSELF.

    Big hugs
     
  23. neela

    neela Well-Known Member

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    If i dont turn up to the appointment in March what happens next? is that the answer or is it better to go through with it and get him to carry out his plan putting him in the position of making the break?
     
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  24. Pearla

    Pearla Well-Known Member

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    Would you seriously want to help him, just to see, if he wants out or not? after he is indicating, he wants to lead your lives separately?
    Think and act accordingly, please.
    This is about YOUR life.
     
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  25. Coyote

    Coyote New Member

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    The german law applies for everyone living in Germany, whether a citizen or not. :)

    The reason why you have to join the meeting at the Ausländerbehörde is this: You have to confirm that you are _living_ as a couple (not only be married in name, but in reality). This is important, because he will only get a full-term (3-5 year) prolongation of his residence permit (Aufenthaltserlaubnis) if the marriage is still intact, if it is not, he will have to prove that he can maintain himself his residence (enough money for living and rent and social security, eg. by work contract). The amount of money needed each month is roughly 400€+rent for 1 and 800€+rent for 2 persons (plus social security payments). This amount is also called the "Sozialhilfesatz", it is the amount of money you will get as social welfare if you earn nothing or not enough.

    If he earns enough (precisely: you as a couple combined) AND the marriage is intact, he has, furthermore, the option to apply for the german citizenship (without marriage it would take 8 years).

    So, I recommend that you have settled the case until then - because when you live (or will be going to live) in seperate flats, the Ausländerbehörde will be very reluctant to consider a non-bogus marriage (Scheinehe) - and please remember that you need to tell the truth there (otherwise, you could be charged for help in illegal immigration), in this case, he can not apply for citizenship and if he (alone) does not earn enough, he will not get a full term prolongation of his residence permit. If you suspect something fishy about your partner, you should report honestly what is going on.
    Be aware that you will have to report to the Ausländerbehörde right away when the situation changes as long as he is in Germany on the "marriage residence permit" rather than on the "self-maintenance residence permit" (obtained by proof of work contract, see above).

    The background is this: A marriage is, in Germany, a community of help, maintenance and support of both partners. If the partners live seperately, they (and not the state) must prove that they will help, maintain and support each other nevertheless, but it won't be easy, because it is considered to be a very unusual behaviour. :)
     
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