Moral Support.

Discussion in 'Rat on a Rat' started by Shiky, Feb 2, 2018.

  1. Shiky

    Shiky Well-Known Member

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    Hello girls,

    Don't want to give much information about myself(like name) because I am ashamed of my situation. But all I can say is that I am writing my heart and feelings away right now. I don't where to start or how to start or how to make it stop. So, please forgive the structure and organization of my writing. All I know is that I fell for a rat I met online, and although I have tried to get away from him sooo many times I can't seem to be able to do it.

    Thank You! God Bless You!
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2018
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  2. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Hi, Shiky....welcome to the forum :)
    I know you don't want to give to much away, but just a little more detail would help:
    . Why do you believe he is a rat?
    . Have you ever met him in real life?
    . Are you willing to give his name so that we can investigate?
    . Have you ever sent him money?
    . Is there an age gap?
    . Do you have children?
    . Is he already outed on TLR?
    . How long have you been communicating for?
    A little bit of detail helps us in supporting you :)

    The personal feelings you describe are perfectly normal for those trapped by a rat...it is a draining experience, both physically and emotionally. It affects our sleeping, eating, daily activities, relationships with others and our frame of mind.

    I think you know how to get away from the situation: Block, ignore, delete. The problem is not that you don't know how to get away from this rat...but that you are not mentally strong enough to break away from the creature that has brainwashed you and is destroying you.

    You will find much support here, please don't get angry with us for the truths we will answer you with...some people seem to want us to pretty things up, make things better for them....but we will give only truths.
     
  3. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Hello Shiky and welcome!:)
    1 good news is you are in right place:). 2nd good news- you don't need to put your real name or photo, or provide us all the details of your story. When you feel ready, you could do it. Anyway, as I understand from your message, there is no question if your boyfriend is a rat ot no. You know for sure he is.
    The best news is you WANT to escape him. I think the progress will be good, because you don't live with rose-coloured glasses and want to change the situation you are in.
    Neither me. I shared my story only with witnesses who have been with me in Tunisia, and who have been in same situation. I would burn with the shame if someone else would know this. And of course, here, on TLR, I share the story, and this (now i can say it for sure) helped me so much! I only found the site too late.



    So, you have met him on-line. Did you meet him in reality?

    I am not surprised. It's normal situation.

    Will you please,Shinky, give me some reasons why you can't. I mean, for sure in your mind you have some answer for this question :" I can't leave him because..." Let us know, to understand which path we should go to help you.

    And now I am going to be very strict. You must stop it. Just stop it.
     
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  4. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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  5. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    Welcome @Shiky your post struck a cord with me. We are/ were very similar. It took me a long time to realise that I felt just as bad with him or without him and so in the end without him was better. I did just like you, blocked/unblocked, living on a few hours sleep or no sleep, I told only two friends who hated him and hated how I had changed and so had no support. I too was drinking and smoking, like you I had never really smoked. I was living day to day waiting for a message or contact, trying to find a reason to continue, rationalising his dreadful behaviour and unbelievable lies.

    I find it hard to believe now how deranged I became and yet somehow no one knew. I could take a deep breath, function at work, function with friends, still manage to hold my life together but disolve into uncontrollable tears the minute I was alone. It was the most painful time of my life. So I and others here truly understand what you are going through. It took me a while, too long. I prolonged the agony and made myself ill. Stay with him and there’s only one outcome. Choose to take back your life instead.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2018
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  6. Madam Medusa

    Madam Medusa Well-Known Member

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    The alcohol and the smoking are so self destructive .
    I think that you are feeling so hurt that you want to self inflict the pain to feel some control .
    Please be kind to yourself and give yourself all the love that this vampire wants to suck from you
    Please don’t let some scummy stranger with a Little piece of gristle dangling between his legs have so much effect on your life
    Treasure yourself .
    Hoping you get some comfort and guidance on how to cope from these wonderful woman .
     
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  7. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    I must admit, although I'm not a drinker, nor have I ever taken drugs....I wouldn't have coped without the cigarettes and coffee I lived on. We all need some form of escape, just a couple of minutes of normality, while we try to process what is happening to us.
    Don't be ashamed of yourself, Shiky.....even the the strongest, most independent and educated of people have fallen under the spell of a rat.
     
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  8. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    What is the point in keeping him? You know there is no future in this relationship, so why waste this time when you could be out having a real life with genuine people?
    Just like mine! Don't be fooled....he's a rat through and through! Mine also lied about his age :Evil:
    Me too :Cry:
     
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  9. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    It's not a problem;). There are a lot of the threads writting and reading where I have been laughting with tears:D. I am sure there is no any rat with the same sense of humor as our members.:):)
     
  10. Amira

    Amira Well-Known Member

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    It's easy to be taken by someone who shows you attention. Do not give him money if he tries to do it. Imagine yourself in his situation. Tunisia is a poor country and many are out of work what should he / she live from? The Internet is a way for them to achieve what they want a better life. Sorry if I disappoint you, but I'm almost sure he's also in touch with other women. They are experts in women
     
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  11. Bianca

    Bianca Active Member

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    I'm sorry you have to gow through all this dear. it helped me to write all the things down that upset me, made me sick and i didnt like. every day, even it was a good day with him i found negative things about him to write down. i ordered myself not to send anymore money and told myself he only uses it to look good and wealthy for other women. being with them in cam which i made possible for him to do. you have to remind yourself who you are and what you did in life and how good you are. write it down so it will be visual for you to see whats going on. collect all of it and come to conclusions. it really helped me. and know that there are 100s of others like him or not who would want to be with you and appriciate your presence. get the picture of him talking to other women and being nicer to them than he is to you and spending more time with them. you will change and get angry. thats better than being sad. i found this method good for me to see how low he really is. take care
     
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  12. deena62

    deena62 Well-Known Member

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    Hi Shiky~

    I'm sorry I'm late to this discussion and hope you'll be back again. I'm having a bit of difficulty figuring out the source of your suffering....and you do sound to me like you are really suffering. But you also sound like someone who is very realistic about the situation. Usually, the acute suffering stage involves discovering who you thought loved you was a rat, a cheater, had used you, had betrayed you. But you sound like you are aware of what he is before he has had the chance to do these things to you. He has not become abusive to you yet, right?

    Basically...you have fallen madly in lust with someone who you know is a totally unacceptable partner for you? Like a bad heroin habit, you know it is terrible for you, that it will end horribly and that you need to stop....but you just can't...it is just too irresistible to you? You need someone to HELP you to STOP?

    I'm not making light of it. Believe me...I have been there back in the day....there were things I did that would have made my parents want to strangle me.....things I did because I was so madly in love/lust.

    You sound like you have a pretty good handle on the situation regarding who he IS.....and your fear and suffering seems to be related to yourself. You know you're going to go and take another hit of that heroin unless somebody stops you? What are you truly afraid of? That if he sounds like he is ending the relationship, you will not be able to stop yourself from going to Tunisia? You will offer to send him money?
    You will promise to meet him in Europe this summer where you will marry him and live in a chalet in the Swiss Alps?

    I wish you hadn't lost the long explanation you had written on your laptop....it probably gave much more insight into this. You just sound so reasonable and realistic....yet so afraid of what you might end up doing. What is it that you're really afraid is going to happen to you? What is the worst case scenario you worry about?
     
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  13. Bianca

    Bianca Active Member

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    and no matter how nice you are to him, always available, understanding for his shit he is not interested in your shit even if he causes it. but he will control you, your mind and your emotions. not because he loves you or is jealous, no, its how he measures how good his manipulation on you works. you will not change anything in his behaviour no matter. and as soon as you realize you can't control what he does behind your back you get used to the thought of other women without pain and see the real him. that's where you have to get. stop crying, gives ugly wrinkles, get enough sleep which is important to have a clear mind. they dont want us to sleep well, so we stay in the mess they put us. live healthy to be ready for the ONE who is somewhere waiting for you to make you as happy as you deserve. sure you will laugh about this idiot someday cause you will be better than him. realize you dont need anyone, that you are capable to manage your life without him. your best years are yet to come. be a butterfly and smile to yourself first thing in the morning 3 times for one minute whether you like it or not. it will activate your happy hormons and makes you strong enough to resist all his shit :)
     
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  14. Bianca

    Bianca Active Member

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    i would love to know the name and face. sounds exactly like mine
     
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  15. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Today is a happy day:):):).
    @deena62 , your rare posts on this site are like the voice of reason.
    @Bianca , your idea of Therapeutic letters is great.
    And @Shiky , your last post has impressed me! So much strength! I would like to read this when I have been going through my stupid story.
     
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  16. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    @Shiky , what you have discribed like late answers from him are well-known "silent treatment" which all the rats use with their victims. Some do it consiously, others- not, but all of them do it.
     
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  17. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    Well done, you took a big step. This may sound horrible and hurtful but It sounds like he had already replaced you which is why he was not contacting as much and not responding. It’s important to remember this when you are close to unblocking again. You will, many times but it’s so important you resist, resist, resist. No good will come of it. Temporary relief followed by frustration and anger. Stay with us here. It took a while to become this involved and it will take a while to recover. But recover you will and he will soon be a distant unpleasant memory.
     
  18. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Shiky, have a read of this thread....just the first page is enough: https://www.tunisianloverats.com/threads/possible-coping-stratagy.2521/

    Keep him blocked. Each time you give in and unblock him....leave him blocked longer the next time. Challenge yourself by lengthening your cold turkey each time....see how long you can cope without him....it gets easier and easier.

    Those moments of silence, they are because he is with another woman or messaging his other victims. Have a read of Laura's thread: https://www.tunisianloverats.com/threads/if-its-your-first-time-here-read-this.4344/

    With regards to that strange moment with your nan, I'll tell you a little story :)

    When I was growing up, my nan was my best friend. I had an incredibly abusive childhood, my nan was my safe place, her home was my sanctuary.
    My nan lived next door to the house I was born in and lived in for my first seven or so years, and when we moved....she was still only a fifteen minute walk away.

    When I was fifteen, my nan died of stomach cancer, I was completely broken. She was just sixty years old and I was full of anger. We were not allowed to cry at my nans funeral.
    I had been raised with a lot of church influence through school, brownies, guides etc....I turned against it all, I still don't believe in God, my anger over my nans painful death took away any belief I had.
    I do however, believe in the spiritual stuff somewhat and after my nan died, I found a white feather in my shoe. My aunt told me it was a sign from the dead, that my nan was trying to comfort me, I know it sounds silly, but I took great comfort from that, I felt my nan was still with me.

    Last time I was with Houssem, he beat me real bad. I had a surge of adrenaline and for the first time ever, I stood up to him....I flew across the room on a broken foot screaming at that bastard, hitting him repeatedly in the chest.

    My bravado did not last long, I was left feeling exhausted, deflated and shocked. I couldn't cry, I couldn't talk, I just went and sat alone on the bedroom floor in the dark, staring at the wall in silence.
    I was aware of movement to my left, when I looked....there was a white feather in my shoe! How bizarre is that?!! It completely broke me, it was then I started to cry...I felt like my nan was with me.
    There were no feathers in the pillows or anything....so where did that feather come from? How crazy does this sound?

    Of course, he came in an hour or so later, asked why I was sitting there holding this feather, rather foolishly, I told him why....he threw it away and told me I wasn't normal.
    I left soon after for my final flight outta that hell.

    Grief, shock, hurt etc affect us all differently, but you and I both had similar surreal moments. Moments where we believe that those we loved deeply are still with us :) There is no shame in this.

    You've done a good thing blocking him, you've been so strong....it's not easy, none of us will tell you it is, but I can promise you.....you will do this with time, you will be a survivor like us....never a victim again :)

    We can get you through the recovery process....but not until all contact is 100% completely and permanently removed :love:
     
  19. deena62

    deena62 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for the additional information. That does really clarify things. I wasn't sure if you were saying that you knew he was a rat but was still fantasizing about both of you living in a split level with a white picket fence...and wanted us to tell you that you were being delusional. But he was not treating you well...being cruel to you...and at this point you had realized he was a rat and that it made no sense to put up with this for one more minute. You encountered him last summer, right? At what point did you realize he was a rat? Were you always somewhat suspicious of him and his motives? You sound very heartbroken so you must have definitely felt there was a genuine romance there at some point.

    Coincidentally, I found this site due to my interest in internet romance scams...primarily the Russian/Ukrainian and the West African (Nigeria, Ghana) ones. I believe that the love rats fall under the same general umbrella of "internet romance scams". I had learned about advanced fee fraud/419 fraud back in 2006...but became particularly fascinated by the romance scams because they involved so much more than just a financial price to the victims....they also involved a huge cost to the heart and to the emotions...with most victims reporting the emotional pain to be far worse than the financial pain.

    I don't want to sound culturally or religiously insensitive...but it has become my impression that many of these men (the love rats) have not only a rather poor opinion of women in general, but they have a horrible opinion of western women. I think you would be horrified to learn how they view us. In fact, it might help you to come to terms with realizing just how right you are to totally cut him off and walk away and don't look back. You might be more at peace with it because it would surely show you that it was always doomed from the start...and you did nothing wrong. You cannot make somebody love you, especially when they've been indoctrinated into believing horrible things about you just because of where you were born or where you live.

    Also...Laura and these other ladies here are so right to warn you that he may very well be back. In fact, I think it's probably highly likely.
    There are only two possible reasons for the behavior you described...he either 1) is reeling in a bigger fish than you right now...OR...2) he is giving you a smack as punishment.....like a "next time I tell you my mother is sick, you'd better pull out your wallet real quick, bitch".
    I am a real idiot when it comes to technology (my sons are older than you, Shiky...that's how old of a fossil I am).....so I am not sure how totally blocked someone is when they are "blocked"...or how many ways there are to get around these blocks...sneak in through back doors, etc....but I would imagine there are ways...right?

    Now it is possible that he has a bigger fish that has him preoccupied right now....but even if he does, 1) that big fish may not pan out...may not come through for him...but also, 2) many of these rats still keep their smaller fish on the hook. There are rats here who marry their big fish, are brought to her country....and are still online with their smaller fish, collecting additional money.
    AND...that behavior you described is SO classic from the rat handbook...that it's hard to believe it was not intentional...in order to punish you, to test your boundaries, and to teach you to be more compliant.
    And these rats aren't very good businessmen....because their egos are too big. Instead of just shrugging off that you blocked him, he will likely get highly offended at your insolence....and come back just to get the last word. Just because...how dare you?

    The bottom line is that I think there is a HUGE chance he will try to get through to you. I don't know exactly how one would go about doing that...but I am sure he will figure out something. And you sound VERY, VERY vulnerable. You are going to need to be very vigilant for a good while here. We can't tell you how many times the woman gets reeled back in when this happens. You are at very high risk. Please stay in contact here so we can advise you and keep you safe.
     
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  20. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    Aw, you don't really mean that, do you :eek:
     
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  21. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    I have told only a handful of people about that white feather since returning to safety, the likeminded more spiritual ones have said "It was her, she was with you" other more realistic, down to earth and no nonsense ones have said, "It must have come from the bedding or flown through the window on a breeze, you silly cow" :D
    Well, I have no idea how it happened.....but it sure fired me up to get the hell out of that place! :D
    I have been brutally open and honest on here, it helped me recover and crucially....it might help others. There are some things I've never written and never will...they are for my counsellors ears only. TLR is now my safe place, the sanctuary I used to have at my nans house :) I love it when new members join us....except the ratty ones and the uber deluded ones, bleughhhh :p
    Girl, I won't just give a little push.....I'll give an almighty bloody shove if it gets a victim away from those prostitutes!!
    I think so too :love:
    They do it easy. New SIM cards in the phone, bought or borrowed, they use the phones of friends and families. They set up new social media accounts, message from the accounts of friends and family etc. The only way to guarantee they can't get you, is to actually deactivate your own social networking accounts, change your phone number etc....there is no point in the new accounts and different SIM cards if they can't reach you anyway because your own stuff has gone.
    I did this, the rat played dirty....he contacted my kids through new, unblocked accounts with threats....he knew I would react then :Evil:
    They always find a way....all we can do is throw a few hurdles in their path and pray they piss off to pastures new :thumbsup:
    I hope not :Cry:
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2018
  22. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    My nan always said "Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm" ;)
     
  23. deena62

    deena62 Well-Known Member

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    @Mango Chutney~
    Ahh, thanks. I figured there had to be lots of ways that computer savvy folks could figure out how to get around "blocks".
    Believe it or not, I don't have a smart phone...and I am not on social media. There's a political blog I would love to comment on but you need to be a Facebook member...which I'm not....and my kids keep postponing "helping" me to do that. I think they think it's too risky because I'm so computer illiterate.

    @Shiky~
    I think you have done amazingly well so far. If you read around you will see how difficult it can be to help some women take off the rose-colored glasses and acknowledge that they are involved with a love rat....and then even when they finally acknowledge it, they still cling to hope that he is a different sort...or that they can change him...or that it can somehow still work out. I think you have done just great in being realistic and doing what is best for yourself....going with the head rather than the heart. Recognizing that it is only your heart that is involved...that his might as well be made of stone. You should give yourself a huge pat on the back.

    And realistically, ever getting him into the US here would be literally impossible...with this bunch of thugs in office right now (don't even get me started...I am a devoted Democrat). Would you want to live in Tunisia? And what would you do there? If he is already showing a cruel streak now...imagine how bad it would get once you were married to him...and alone in his home country....where he would have you at his mercy. What is so great about him that it would be worth you making such a huge sacrifice? There was never any realistic future with him....and if he's not even going to treat you well...he really isn't worth having as an internet romance.

    You are still planning to go to Europe/Germany this summer? Go and have a great time...and you will likely meet plenty of guys who are worth your time and emotions. Don't waste yourself on someone who is not worthy of you...who needs to "punish" you when you don't immediately give him what he wants.
     
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  24. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    This is what I did:
    https://www.tunisianloverats.com/Ga...-ra-ghed-raghed-rk-keyboard-player-tunis.840/

    I helped to expose the bastard that frequently beat me, threatened to kill my kids, kept me trapped inside his house, dragged me around by my hair, chased me around for all hours in the dark, threw me across rooms, bit me everywhere, lied to me, cheated on me, gave me the silent treatment, cut me off from my loved ones, bruised me, broke my bones, scarred me and inflicted the most degrading punishments on me.

    I refused to let him intimidate me anymore, I rose above my fear and not only left the bastard exposed here....but added my own photos and my own words to warn other women, to save other women, to stop somebody elses children being terrorised like mine were.

    These creatures are not like us, they are not civilised, they need exposing and one day when you are ready....I hope you will also find the strength to expose him, to warn others, to SAVE others.
     
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  25. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    You do in your own time, when you are ready....IF you are ready. We will not pressure you here, we will recommend it, but the crucial thing is that you get the support you need :)
    Some people never expose their rat, sometimes due to threats, sometimes because it compromises their safety.
    Some members have other members expose their rat with no personal detail, just names, age etc ;)
    Mine had to be exposed here because of his violence, if other women hadn't been warned and I'd read he'd killed somebody or something....I would never have forgiven myself.
    I know that with the distance between us and the action I took, he can't get near me.
    Focus on this. Get excited, put a travel plan together, places you'd like to see....keep your head busy. Like you say, this opportunity is probably once in a lifetime......so make the most of it! You worked for this, you earned it...don't let a rat take the shine off it for you :)
    I did live there....I wouldn't recommend it, especially now! The current protests are just the start....wait until the changes start having a real hit on their wallets and the elections in May....I think things will really kick off then. Tunisia is like a different world....it is stuck in the stone ages! I love the country, I met some great people....but living there, wow....it's a completely different life!
    Maybe this is a good idea:
    You can support each other through your troubles :)
    Go easy on the alcohol, it will make you look wrinkly and washed out....like an old sock :D
    It is also only a temporary reprieve...not the cure.
    You will keep swimming, Dory....towards Europe and your you time....bollocks to the rat :love:
     

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