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My gut and heart say YES.. my brain says I'm crazy!

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
I have fallen for a Tunisian man from an online dating site.. I feel like I must be a crazy person for this. The really strange thing is that my heart and my gut are not sending up any red flags or warnings AT ALL and my gut has never been wrong before.... It's only my brain that is telling me to be cautious based on the experiences of others.. so I figure why not involve experts who can view this with a critical eye.. Here is the background..
About me: I am an American non-muslim woman and also a 40 year old widow. I was married to my Jordanian husband for 5 years until his sudden death 5 years ago. We were deliriously happily married though I have to admit, the first year of marriage was ROUGH until we got over the culture shock. After my husband died, our house was foreclosed on and I struggled a lot emotionally and financially. I'm back on my feet and supporting myself, but certainly not at all well-off. I'm renting an apartment, I drive a 16 year old car, have zero savings , and I'm working as a clerk in a department store.

How we met: About three years after my husband's death, I felt ready to re-enter the dating field. I had a few short but failed relationships.. nothing special. On a whim 5 months ago, I decided to open my search field in the online dating site I was using to "world-wide" and I clicked on the profile of a man in Tunisia and immediately was intrigued. According to the site's matching techniques, we were a nearly perfect match.. which was something that I had not seen very often when using the site. The next day he sent me a message because he had seen that I had browsed his profile. We had a nice conversation about my favorite Tunisian hottie: Saber Robai and we have communicated every day since.

About him: 35 years old. He was born in Tunisia and raised in Germany and UK until he was 14 when the family moved back to Tunisia and left at 19 and lived in the United States illegally for four years with his Uncle until he voluntarily left the country to return to Tunisia. He is fluent in Arabic, German, English and French (his English is EXCELLENT.. way better than most immigrants I know who have been here for 20 years!) He has since been living in Tunisia. He was in business with his brother who lives in the UK but they sold the business just before the revolution. He is not currently employed. He is fairly religious but not a zealot.

How he answers my questions:
Why don't you find a nice Tunisian woman to marry? Answer:"Because they don't want anything to do with me because I don't have a good job or education. My parents tried a few times to connect me with women here but their parents won't go for it because I don't have good education and they fear for their daughter's future over the long term once the money I have from the sale of our business is gone, there is too much uncertainty in my life to make me a desirable husband for a Tunisian woman... Also, even if I did find a good Tunisian woman who agreed to marry me, I don't want to stay here, I want to go to UK with my brother or I want to go back to the USA, but that would be hard for a Tunisian woman because she would be lonely and would miss her family.. of course if I marry a Tunisian woman, I won't be able to go to USA anyway because USA visa is hard to get, but even in the UK I worry that she wouldn't be happy because she wasn't raised the same way I was in Europe"

When I asked him how important marrying someone who would enable him to live outside of Tunisia was he answered: "Well, it's not a secret that I want to leave here. I don't see much of a future for myself here with no education, It's not like I can just go to college here at any time the way you can in the USA. I did not even finish high school so the way is shut for me here. I do have a good head for business, but even that is hard right now. I am lucky because I do have some saving from the sale of a business I had with my brother. I could live off of it for the rest of my life if I stayed in my family home here in Tunis, but I want more than that, I want a wife and Insha'Allah a family.. but I can't ask my wife to come live in my family home and I can't offer her a good life here in Tunisia.. So yes, I think it is better to have a wife who can go someplace else so we can have a good life together for both us."

He told me that his parents and brother and sisters know how we met, but that he doesn't want to tell anyone else and asked me to just tell people that we met when he was living in the USA and that we recently reconnected. I was concerned that he is requesting that I lie to people. I asked him why he would ask me to lie and he said: "It's for both of our benefits, people here don't understand and they don't have good opinion of online dating and think it is just for finding easy sex and if we tell them how we met they will maybe not respect my wife or our marriage"

I am planning to go there on March 4th and as long as he is everything that he claimed, I will marry him 2 weeks later. I had assumed that I would just stay with him at his large family home in a spare bedroom but he says ABSOLUTELY NOT.. When I asked him why he said: " Even though we know that we would have different rooms and it would be innocent, people would think bad of you, you can't stay here because the bride must stay with her family until the wedding, but since you don't have a family home here, then I will put you in a hotel until the wedding. You don't understand how it is here, it isn't because we don't want you here in our home, or because you are not welcome in our home, you are of course welcome with us.. My parents love you and are very happy to have you in the family, but it is just that people will talk bad about you if you stay here in our home before marriage and I couldn't bear to have anyone say anything disrespectful about my wife"

Other facts:
He asked me to come to Tunisia and marry him after four months of daily skype calls and phone calls. I have skyped with his Mother, Father, two of his sisters and his brother.. He has skyped with my sister and my mother. His mother and youngest sister have skyped with my mother and sister as well. All of his family speaks English very well.

He sent me $700.00 for me to buy my wedding dress despite the fact that I told him I wanted to pay for it myself. He said no, that he would pay, but that $700.00 was all that he budgeted... if I liked something that cost more, I could pay the difference or he could send me more money to pay it but that would mean that he would buy me less gold. I told him that it wasn't really necessary for him to buy me ANY gold and he insisted stating: "well this is how we do here and you should have everything that any other bride in Tunisia has, so we going to go to the gold market when you come here and you are going to choose your gold"


I expressed concern about quitting my job and giving up my apartment and just packing off to Tunisia where I couldn't work and contribute financially...He told me that it's ok if I don't even have even have a penny but if I did have a little bit of money that it would be for my personal use only and was not to be contributed to any household expenses. (which is not at all shocking because it is the same as what my Jordanian husband insisted.. even though I worked part time throughout our marriage, he wouldn't allow me to use any of the money for anything in the household and was only to be used for the extra things I wanted) He has disclosed to me his exact amount of savings and proposed budget for wedding and for our future until we anticipate that he'll be able to get a visa to the USA. After the wedding expenses of the Hall, food, band, honeymoon, hotel for me prior to the wedding, and gold for me are paid, he will still have a large enough nest egg to immigrate to the USA and pay for a place to live AND purchase a small business if he wants to. He's certainly not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but he's not a pauper either.


He has booked and paid my flight and hotel already. He has also booked the honeymoon for two weeks and booked a hall and photographer and someone to do the food... and said that his family will be inviting 200 guests. My sister, mother and sister-in-law are also coming and he booked and paid hotel for them as well, but they are paying their own plane ticket. My father is also coming but he is arranging and paying for his own hotel. (not staying with mom because they are divorced)


Sorry for the really REALLY long post, I just wanted to give as much insight as possible. My family is very supportive and they really like him and his family a lot and feel he is being sincere....but I have some friends who are extremely skeptical and insist that I am being scammed for a greencard. He has already admitted very freely that he was indeed hoping to meet someone who would afford him the opportunity to make a life outside of Tunisia and honestly this does not concern me. With my late husband, he had been living here illegally for several years so when we got married, a greencard was part of the package and still we were the envy of all around us for five glorious years. Also I feel like if this man was just looking to get out of Tunisia, he could do it with a lot less effort and expense than he is taking with me!


Do any of the things that he's said to me sound false or like what he's saying doesn't match with the reality of Tunisian culture? Like him asking me to lie about how we met? or not letting me stay with him prior to the wedding? Or sending me money when I didn't want it? Again, I have ZERO uneasy feelings in my gut.. I've been in the online dating world for two years now and I've had interactions with many MANY scammers from all over the world and almost right away something seems "off" with them.. but with this man everything seems very right, but my brain is telling me to look at the situation critically....Also I did check his photos with tineye and GIS and received no hits other than the one profile from the online dating site that we were both on.
 

BrownGirl

Moderator And Queen of Summaries
How do you know that anything of what he has told you about his history is true? Have you seen evidence of him living outside Tunisia? You are prepared to marry a man you really know nothing about, on the basis of 2 weeks together?

In my opinion you are crazy, yes.

How did he send the money to you by the way?
 
M

marilyna

Guest
Welcome to TLR Cydney,

I agree with Browngirl, I don't think it is wise to marry someone you have never met in person.

This man could have spun you a tale, and as Browngirl says have you verified anything he has told you?

Who will verify that information for you when you are in Tunisia?

His friends and family will collude with him.

I know he was upfront with you about wanting to live outside Tunisia, but I think you are just a get out for him, if not you, the next woman.

I am a strong believer in following your instinct, however sometimes we get it wrong.

I think you need to slow down, but it sounds like you have made plans and are ready to marry this man.
 

Fern

Major Ratslayer
I have fallen for a Tunisian man from an online dating site.. I feel like I must be a crazy person for this. The really strange thing is that my heart and my gut are not sending up any red flags or warnings AT ALL and my gut has never been wrong before.... It's only my brain that is telling me to be cautious based on the experiences of others.. so I figure why not involve experts who can view this with a critical eye.. Here is the background..
About me: I am an American non-muslim woman and also a 40 year old widow. I was married to my Jordanian husband for 5 years until his sudden death 5 years ago. We were deliriously happily married though I have to admit, the first year of marriage was ROUGH until we got over the culture shock. After my husband died, our house was foreclosed on and I struggled a lot emotionally and financially. I'm back on my feet and supporting myself, but certainly not at all well-off. I'm renting an apartment, I drive a 16 year old car, have zero savings , and I'm working as a clerk in a department store.

How we met: About three years after my husband's death, I felt ready to re-enter the dating field. I had a few short but failed relationships.. nothing special. On a whim 5 months ago, I decided to open my search field in the online dating site I was using to "world-wide" and I clicked on the profile of a man in Tunisia and immediately was intrigued. According to the site's matching techniques, we were a nearly perfect match.. which was something that I had not seen very often when using the site. The next day he sent me a message because he had seen that I had browsed his profile. We had a nice conversation about my favorite Tunisian hottie: Saber Robai and we have communicated every day since.

About him: 35 years old. He was born in Tunisia and raised in Germany and UK until he was 14 when the family moved back to Tunisia and left at 19 and lived in the United States illegally for four years with his Uncle until he voluntarily left the country to return to Tunisia. He is fluent in Arabic, German, English and French (his English is EXCELLENT.. way better than most immigrants I know who have been here for 20 years!) He has since been living in Tunisia. He was in business with his brother who lives in the UK but they sold the business just before the revolution. He is not currently employed. He is fairly religious but not a zealot.

How he answers my questions:
Why don't you find a nice Tunisian woman to marry? Answer:"Because they don't want anything to do with me because I don't have a good job or education. My parents tried a few times to connect me with women here but their parents won't go for it because I don't have good education and they fear for their daughter's future over the long term once the money I have from the sale of our business is gone, there is too much uncertainty in my life to make me a desirable husband for a Tunisian woman... Also, even if I did find a good Tunisian woman who agreed to marry me, I don't want to stay here, I want to go to UK with my brother or I want to go back to the USA, but that would be hard for a Tunisian woman because she would be lonely and would miss her family.. of course if I marry a Tunisian woman, I won't be able to go to USA anyway because USA visa is hard to get, but even in the UK I worry that she wouldn't be happy because she wasn't raised the same way I was in Europe"

When I asked him how important marrying someone who would enable him to live outside of Tunisia was he answered: "Well, it's not a secret that I want to leave here. I don't see much of a future for myself here with no education, It's not like I can just go to college here at any time the way you can in the USA. I did not even finish high school so the way is shut for me here. I do have a good head for business, but even that is hard right now. I am lucky because I do have some saving from the sale of a business I had with my brother. I could live off of it for the rest of my life if I stayed in my family home here in Tunis, but I want more than that, I want a wife and Insha'Allah a family.. but I can't ask my wife to come live in my family home and I can't offer her a good life here in Tunisia.. So yes, I think it is better to have a wife who can go someplace else so we can have a good life together for both us."

He told me that his parents and brother and sisters know how we met, but that he doesn't want to tell anyone else and asked me to just tell people that we met when he was living in the USA and that we recently reconnected. I was concerned that he is requesting that I lie to people. I asked him why he would ask me to lie and he said: "It's for both of our benefits, people here don't understand and they don't have good opinion of online dating and think it is just for finding easy sex and if we tell them how we met they will maybe not respect my wife or our marriage"

I am planning to go there on March 4th and as long as he is everything that he claimed, I will marry him 2 weeks later. I had assumed that I would just stay with him at his large family home in a spare bedroom but he says ABSOLUTELY NOT.. When I asked him why he said: " Even though we know that we would have different rooms and it would be innocent, people would think bad of you, you can't stay here because the bride must stay with her family until the wedding, but since you don't have a family home here, then I will put you in a hotel until the wedding. You don't understand how it is here, it isn't because we don't want you here in our home, or because you are not welcome in our home, you are of course welcome with us.. My parents love you and are very happy to have you in the family, but it is just that people will talk bad about you if you stay here in our home before marriage and I couldn't bear to have anyone say anything disrespectful about my wife"

Other facts:
He asked me to come to Tunisia and marry him after four months of daily skype calls and phone calls. I have skyped with his Mother, Father, two of his sisters and his brother.. He has skyped with my sister and my mother. His mother and youngest sister have skyped with my mother and sister as well. All of his family speaks English very well.

He sent me $700.00 for me to buy my wedding dress despite the fact that I told him I wanted to pay for it myself. He said no, that he would pay, but that $700.00 was all that he budgeted... if I liked something that cost more, I could pay the difference or he could send me more money to pay it but that would mean that he would buy me less gold. I told him that it wasn't really necessary for him to buy me ANY gold and he insisted stating: "well this is how we do here and you should have everything that any other bride in Tunisia has, so we going to go to the gold market when you come here and you are going to choose your gold"


I expressed concern about quitting my job and giving up my apartment and just packing off to Tunisia where I couldn't work and contribute financially...He told me that it's ok if I don't even have even have a penny but if I did have a little bit of money that it would be for my personal use only and was not to be contributed to any household expenses. (which is not at all shocking because it is the same as what my Jordanian husband insisted.. even though I worked part time throughout our marriage, he wouldn't allow me to use any of the money for anything in the household and was only to be used for the extra things I wanted) He has disclosed to me his exact amount of savings and proposed budget for wedding and for our future until we anticipate that he'll be able to get a visa to the USA. After the wedding expenses of the Hall, food, band, honeymoon, hotel for me prior to the wedding, and gold for me are paid, he will still have a large enough nest egg to immigrate to the USA and pay for a place to live AND purchase a small business if he wants to. He's certainly not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but he's not a pauper either.


He has booked and paid my flight and hotel already. He has also booked the honeymoon for two weeks and booked a hall and photographer and someone to do the food... and said that his family will be inviting 200 guests. My sister, mother and sister-in-law are also coming and he booked and paid hotel for them as well, but they are paying their own plane ticket. My father is also coming but he is arranging and paying for his own hotel. (not staying with mom because they are divorced)


Sorry for the really REALLY long post, I just wanted to give as much insight as possible. My family is very supportive and they really like him and his family a lot and feel he is being sincere....but I have some friends who are extremely skeptical and insist that I am being scammed for a greencard. He has already admitted very freely that he was indeed hoping to meet someone who would afford him the opportunity to make a life outside of Tunisia and honestly this does not concern me. With my late husband, he had been living here illegally for several years so when we got married, a greencard was part of the package and still we were the envy of all around us for five glorious years. Also I feel like if this man was just looking to get out of Tunisia, he could do it with a lot less effort and expense than he is taking with me!


Do any of the things that he's said to me sound false or like what he's saying doesn't match with the reality of Tunisian culture? Like him asking me to lie about how we met? or not letting me stay with him prior to the wedding? Or sending me money when I didn't want it? Again, I have ZERO uneasy feelings in my gut.. I've been in the online dating world for two years now and I've had interactions with many MANY scammers from all over the world and almost right away something seems "off" with them.. but with this man everything seems very right, but my brain is telling me to look at the situation critically....Also I did check his photos with tineye and GIS and received no hits other than the one profile from the online dating site that we were both on.
Hi Cydney, Glad to hear you have good friends that are making you think twice about this. Good friends that have withstood the test of time and you have come to trust. I would be asking myself why the hurry to get married to this guy. Would you marry in such haste to someone in USA? How can he love you without meeting you and you him? The family love you?? All the arrangements he has already made, making it harder for you to hesitate and take your time. They are clever over there and have a bespoke plan for each woman. Its a well known tactic to say some truth in amongst the lies. I would advise you to believe nothing until you have seen it for yourself. Do not be pushed into something quickly. It is not normal to trust someone you have never met and in such a short time. And listen to your friends, they sound like they have your wellbeing at heart. Take care
 

wallah

Major Ratslayer
Cydney. I always totally fail to understand how anyone - man or woman, can even contemplate marrying a person that they have never met. It is totally beyond me, as i have said before. There are a thousand ''what ifs'' in my mind, but I doubt that you would want to hear them.
I am also very curious about the fact that he has sent you money, as even though I live in Tunisia for a large part of every year, I am not aware that it is possible for an individual to do this. Please enlighten me.
 

simple

Major Ratslayer
You seem to have mentioned and answered all the donts of meeting a Tunisian online .Why he dosnt want to marry a Tunisian girl ,why he dosnt want you to stay with his family ,,etc etc .Fairly religious ,but still goes on dating sites .I guess the easiest way to get to USA Is through marriage .And sending you money from Tunisia ?????Its impossible ,it cant even be done .
 

MacCoinneach

Major Ratslayer
I can understand you wanting to go there and meet him, but going there to meet him AND MARRY?! I appreciate you (think you) can know a lot about someone from talking to them for a few months, but that's not reality. Sure, he seems honest that he wants to leave Tunisia, which is fair enough, but does that not just make you feel like you're his ticket out of there? Why you? Why in particular YOU? There are a lot of non-verbal answers you need, which you may only get by meeting him, so I'm not trying to talk you out of that, but I really suggest you reconsider getting married for a while at least… listen to your BRAIN.
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate the time it took to read my insanely long post... I'm happy to answer your questions..
How did he send me the $700.00? He sold the business he had with his brother in the UK and he kept the bulk of his savings in the UK and his brother in the UK sent it to me via Western Union. It seemed really strange to me that he would keep most of his money with his brother but he explained to me that you can't just leave the country with a lot of money and can only take out a small amount at a time so I guess it makes more sense, if you can to keep it out of the country.
Would I marry someone in the USA so quickly? YES, and I have, and it worked out wonderfully... though I recognize it's not for everyone and admittedly, as I said in my original post the first year of my whirlwind marriage with my husband was NOT EASY!
Have you verified anything he has told you? I have verified he lives where he says he lives and that his name is really his name. I have verified that he lived in the USA. I have verified his brother is living in the UK (else how would he send the money to me?) I have verified that he did indeed grow up in Europe. I have verified that he is fluent in English and German.. I'm trusting him on the French since everyone in Tunisia speaks French.
I have NOT verified his finances.
I have NOT verified is education, though, I don't think's he's lying about dropping out of high school and I have no intention of verifying on this point.
I have not verified that he has never been married.. but I assume that I will have that verification when we take out papers for the wedding.
I have not verified the wedding plans he has made other than the honeymoon itinerary and the reservations he has made for flights and hotels.


As for even contemplating marrying a person I've never met before... yes, it was beyond me too Wallah.. until now.

Please continue to poke away at what I have said.. I posted it here for the critical view obviously I didn't expect everyone here to cheer and say "Cydney has found true love, please invite us to the wedding".
 

MacCoinneach

Major Ratslayer
Well I would like that you have found true love and you two will be very happy…but what are the chances? It seems your mind is made up already so I do wish you good luck!
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
Well I would like that you have found true love and you two will be very happy…but what are the chances? It seems your mind is made up already so I do wish you good luck!

Well I'd like to think that too....And yes I've DEFINITELY made up my mind about going there.. but when I get there, I do want to be cautious to make sure that everything is exactly as he said it would be. I also want to know if anything he's saying sounds "off" like it doesn't jive with Tunisian culture.. I was really taken aback by the fact that he wouldn't let me stay in his family home... I had assumed that if his parents were living there that they would be "chapperones" and it would be ok if we're in different rooms on different floors even.. but he says no and wants me to stay in a hotel with my mother.. He's paying for it so it's not like it's a stress on me financially this is just weird to me and I really don't understand the reasoning behind this if we are in different rooms on DIFFERENT FLOORS. It kind of hurt my feelings a bit.. but he just kept telling me that it's "not right" for the bride to live with the groom's family before the wedding and that people would talk negatively about it.
 
how will he pay for a wedding with no money?
how will he pay for a visa with no money?
do you think your authorities will look favourably on a rushed marriage?
if he was illegal he will be on a visa blacklist.
not all tunisians speak french although they claim it to be their second language.
do you think you will be accepted as an internet bride.

cba saying anymore - recipe for disaster
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
You seem to have mentioned and answered all the donts of meeting a Tunisian online .Why he dosnt want to marry a Tunisian girl ,why he dosnt want you to stay with his family ,,etc etc .Fairly religious ,but still goes on dating sites .I guess the easiest way to get to USA Is through marriage .And sending you money from Tunisia ?????Its impossible ,it cant even be done .


Can someone please explain this post to me? Did he answer my questions "wrong" and what would the "right" answers be?
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
how will he pay for a wedding with no money? He has money both in Tunisia and in the UK. He has already disclosed to me his budget and the amount of his savings and he will provide me with statements, etc when I am there.. we have discussed finances in depth and have reached agreement on how money is to be saved and spent, and that I will have open access to view accounts both his current accounts and throughout our marraige. I have no reason to believe that he has not been truthful about his budget or finances but If he is lying about his finances, there will be no wedding...on this point I am very firm.
how will he pay for a visa with no money? He has money.. That is how he paid for my airline ticket and sent me money for my wedding dress. He is NOT wealthy but he has money and he is well aware that my bank account is absolutely ZERO and that my parents don't have money either.. that's why he's paying for my mother's and sister's hotel because otherwise they couldn't afford the trip.
do you think your authorities will look favourably on a rushed marriage? I know they won't look favorably on it, and it concerns me.. I've been through the greencard process with INS in the past and it's a pain in the ass... I met my late husband online (he was illegal and already living in the states though) and we were married within the month... and it was indeed a point of question with INS during the interview process.. he still got his greencard though.
if he was illegal he will be on a visa blacklist. Good point and we were both concerned about this but since HOWEVER he left the country voluntarily and it was more than 10 years ago anyway so he will still qualify for a spousal visa, I already checked.
not all tunisians speak french although they claim it to be their second language. Good point and I didn't know that.. though I suppose I could live another day if he didn't speak french, but I wouldn't be happy to find out I had been lied to.. even about something so trivial.. I'll have to find some way to verify this..Thanks for the heads up.
do you think you will be accepted as an internet bride... I naively thought so because we met through a well respected dating site. and he said NO, I wouldn't be accepted and he said that was why he wanted us to lie to people about how we met, that we should tell people that we met while he was in the states and only recently reconnected.

cba saying anymore - recipe for disaster
 

simple

Major Ratslayer
Can someone please explain this post to me? Did he answer my questions "wrong" and what would the "right" answers be?

He answered everything correctly and your questions where exactly what someone who knows about bezness would ask.He has money in Tunisia and the UK ??Yet his family are happy to allow him to marry outside their culture ??With money any Tuunisian woman would marry him.There is no such thing as a respected dating site for a Muslim,if it involves meeting western women outside the faith .If he is willing to lie about how he met you ,then id be asking ,who else has he met on these sites.
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
He answered everything correctly and your questions where exactly what someone who knows about bezness would ask.He has money in Tunisia and the UK ??Yet his family are happy to allow him to marry outside their culture ??With money any Tuunisian woman would marry him.There is no such thing as a respected dating site for a Muslim,if it involves meeting western women outside the faith .If he is willing to lie about how he met you ,then id be asking ,who else has he met on these sites.


I admit I had to google the term "bezness".... My questions are EXACTLY what ANYONE would ask because how could anyone be talking with someone for hours every day for several months and NOT ask these obvious questions???

So when you say "With money any Tunisian woman would marry him" are you insinuating that he doesn't have the money that he represented himself as having? If that's the case, then no worries, I'm not going to go through with a marriage if I found out he lied about such a key issue. Also he'd be out of luck if he didn't have the money because even if I was inclined to, there's no way I could pay his expenses to immigrate to the USA anyway.

As for your comment about internet dating and "muslim men" please remember that I met my VERY Muslim husband online and it was not an issue with us or with his family, but I recognize that Tunisia could be different as it is very far from Jordan. Do you think it would be better for him to be tell the truth to everyone about how we met and expose me to comments? or is it better to lie? I don't love either option and it's why I brought it up.. but I don't want to push the idea of telling the truth about our meeting if he is truly only looking to protect our reputation by lying about how we met.
 

Amber

oo la la ;)
Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate the time it took to read my insanely long post... I'm happy to answer your questions..
How did he send me the $700.00? He sold the business he had with his brother in the UK and he kept the bulk of his savings in the UK and his brother in the UK sent it to me via Western Union. It seemed really strange to me that he would keep most of his money with his brother but he explained to me that you can't just leave the country with a lot of money and can only take out a small amount at a time so I guess it makes more sense, if you can to keep it out of the country.
Would I marry someone in the USA so quickly? YES, and I have, and it worked out wonderfully... though I recognize it's not for everyone and admittedly, as I said in my original post the first year of my whirlwind marriage with my husband was NOT EASY!
Have you verified anything he has told you? I have verified he lives where he says he lives and that his name is really his name. I have verified that he lived in the USA. I have verified his brother is living in the UK (else how would he send the money to me?) I have verified that he did indeed grow up in Europe. I have verified that he is fluent in English and German.. I'm trusting him on the French since everyone in Tunisia speaks French.
I have NOT verified his finances.
I have NOT verified is education, though, I don't think's he's lying about dropping out of high school and I have no intention of verifying on this point.
I have not verified that he has never been married.. but I assume that I will have that verification when we take out papers for the wedding.
I have not verified the wedding plans he has made other than the honeymoon itinerary and the reservations he has made for flights and hotels.


As for even contemplating marrying a person I've never met before... yes, it was beyond me too Wallah.. until now.

Please continue to poke away at what I have said.. I posted it here for the critical view obviously I didn't expect everyone here to cheer and say "Cydney has found true love, please invite us to the wedding".

Hi ,
I' m sorry but i just can't get what you are searching for on this site : do you eventually have last minute doubts ? did you expect to find his name somewhere here in the data base ? i'm very curious about what you expected coming here with your mind so willing to believe everything he said and ready to marry a total stranger met on line after four months .
This is a joke to think you will be able to have some truth about him in two weeks in Tunisia; you have no idea where you are setting foot dear ...best story tellers in the wolrd , the opacity , the collusion , the corruption , the language barrier ,will not allow you to have a right picture in such a short time and i garantee you that you will be treated like a queen until you're married and the visa issued...there's no way you can have an idea about his true financial situation and you acknowledge you didn't check this point : but anyway how could you ?

I disapprove of your behaviour , you are showing total inconsistency to me , this story , i mean the way you put it is too good to be true , you see what i mean ?this guy is smart , he set up everything and gave you all the right , culturally expected and acceptable answers to convince you as some others said before .He's not a young guy but a determined guy with a clear goal . He didn't hide it to you which is just a part of his strategy according to me along with all the well organised scenario around the wedding and sending money to you through his mates , he 's buying your trust dear ...what is 700 dollars ? a ridiculous amount of money i'm sorry ...
I feel there's nothing to put you away from your plan to marry him , and that's a pity , i'm just relieved you didn't mention any kids of yours and i hope you won't have any with this one either before long ...
To be honest , i know i'm a bit harsh on this one but what you are telling about ,i don't call it a wedding but an arrangement , a deal ,an adult deal at the best if it's not a scam ;you 're not a teenager anymore , you can't believe the guy loves a foreign woman met on a dating site after four months, can you ? ( can't believe he asked you to hide this !!! big alarm bell again!). You're searching for adventure , you enjoy uneasy situations , but truth is you are helping someone to migrate and get the green card again in the end , i 'm sure deep down inside you know it .

I felt like telling it straight away , hope you understand that our concern about women on this site sometimes drives us to be blunt .
Take care
 
L

LittleMissSunshine

Guest
Why is there such a huge rush for you to marry him? Two weeks is no time to get to know a man in person - he'll be on his best behaviour and you won't have any idea what his real personality is like.

You said in one of your first posts how solvent he is, how he could afford to buy somewhere small to live and also another business. This is in your country. If he has this much money, it would be more than enough to satisfy a potential Tunisian wife. You say they have concerns about what would happen when the money ran out. With respect, if he wasn't sat on his backside talking on the Internet for hours at a time he could be job hunting. My husband walked the streets of Tunis and Sousse looking for work when his contract wasn't renewed the first winter we were married.

You've got swept away in your fairytale and what's going to happen when it all comes crashing down? The woman who went to marry a man who she never met before is going to look ridiculously stupid.

Don't let him railroad you into this - if he really loves you he'll wait for you. And for the record, I've been happily married to my Tunisian husband for nearly 3 years and am fortunate enough not to have experienced ratty behaviour. This man is starting as he means to go on though - controlling the situation to suit his needs, not yours.

Apologies if you feel I'm blunt or harsh or even rude (I'm not), but it seems like you've lost all sense, just like the Australian lady willing to fly halfway across the world to marry her man having never met him either. You're both old enough to know better.
 
T

Tirena

Guest
Hi Cydney,

I have read through your message and the replies. Yet, I don't strongly feel that your guy's answers are off. I am married to a Tunisian guy and I do know that the bride should stay with her family prior to the wedding. This is what I have learned from meeting and spending time in Tunisia with my husband's family. His family are absolutely lovely and when I went out there for the first time, I did in fact stay with him under the same roof. I was not married at the time. In so doing, his family were the talk of the village!!! I felt really guilty but they didn't care for idle talk when they knew nothing was going to happen in their home. My husband told me afterwards some of the talk that was going around and it was horrible. Really demeaning and disgusting. If I had known what would have been said, I would not have subjected my in-laws to that. So, your guy's refusal for you to stay in his home should not be interpreted in a negative way. He does not want anyone to disrespect you, himself or his family. Peoples' talk goes a long way in Tunisia and there are lots of families who care about what others think and say about them. I often tell myself that I don't care what people think and say but sometimes it's not that simple and it could affect more than one person indirectly.

Tunisians have a lot of traditions and customs which took time for me to understand and learn. I have to respect them even if I may not agree with them or find them to be a bit on the weird side.

I also understand where the other ladies are coming from when they feel that this situation sounds a bit dodgy. For myself, I did not feel warning signs going off when reading through your guy's answers. This is based on what I have learnt and know thus far in my marriage to my husband. :)

I would exercise caution if or when you fly out in March since you have not known the guy long. If getting married to this guy is what your heart wants, then go for it. I sincerely hope that it works out for you! In the end, it is your choice. ;)
 

BrownGirl

Moderator And Queen of Summaries
Tirena, that's the point. His answers are perfect in terms of tunisian culture. Except for the meeting a non muslim, slightly older woman online and arranging a big wedding after a few months, before meeting her and discussing with her family.
 

MacCoinneach

Major Ratslayer
I also understand where the other ladies are coming from when they feel that this situation sounds a bit dodgy. For myself, I did not feel warning signs going off when reading through your guy's answers. This is based on what I have learnt and know thus far in my marriage to my husband. :)

I would exercise caution if or when you fly out in March since you have not known the guy long. If getting married to this guy is what your heart wants, then go for it. I sincerely hope that it works out for you! In the end, it is your choice. ;)


Tirena, your points are fair - maybe there aren't alarm bells to you about this guy and about anything he has said - maybe he has not said anything incorrect, but that does not mean it's gospel.

The concern is WHY THE RUSH? Where, and in what circumstance, is it acceptable to meet someone online, and after speaking for four months be planning the first meeting…AND WEDDING?! That's not normal, not at all. Sure, Tunisians don't have dating as such, so marriage happens quickly…but that's their culture…it is not the culture for most of us, and whilst it may seem all lovely that they are 'so in love' that they just want to marry, it is not something that should be taken lightly! As others have said…this is simply an arrangement...

Another point, which I had not mentioned, nor intended to as it's not really my business and I do not want any details, but it might be worth considering. SURE, you should stay alone, not in his family home, but even 'decent' Tunisians actually would spend the time with their 'partner' given the chance - particularly with a Western woman who they know has a different lifestyle, different outlook (i.e. sex before marriage). I'm sorry but whilst you may think of 'sex' as to not be a crucial part of the relationship, do you not want to know what that will be like with your future husband? Perhaps my morals and opinions are different, but I think that is a really key part in any relationship. So why the aversion from staying together? Surely you need to test, not only intimacy, but life 'living' together?

Anyway your decision seems very much made, and it seems you've had your concerns addressed, so best wishes! I honestly hope it isn't 'too good to be true' - I would love to read from you 12 months, or even 12 years, down the line and hear how happy a marriage you have with your Tunisian.

Good luck!
 
D

Di0ne

Guest
Hi Cydney,
I understand what you are saying, you have fallen for this man and your heart says yes and your soul says yes. I could say go for it. But you yourself have said that you mind has doubts, yes you say it is because of what you have heard from others but if we think of our bodies as a fail safe would your mind not deserve to be listened to even for a little bit?

If he really loves you and wants you he will wait. I know because I married quickly, not as quickly as you but quickly by our standards. I didn't even have any qualms and I am paying now. Will you live with him in Tunisia? Marrying someone quickly in the US where you have support and your cultural norms are familiar is one thing, how will you feel managing that difficult first year of marriage away from you support, please be careful and kind to yourself, I wish you well always. If it was coming from someone else who you really really loved what would you advise them? Do that...
 

simple

Major Ratslayer
Engagements can sometimes last years in Tunisia ,,,,The woman must wait for the man to produce the money for marriage .Some women get a better catch and break off the engagement .They rarely marry with out an engagement .
 

CUDDLE

Major Ratslayer
Hi Cydney..

Here's an idea for .... go out as planned in March but DONT marry,,.....

Check out ALL the financial details whilst you are there...ask him and just see how willing he is to share with you them details...cos from my experience he will NOT want to show you....

If he does show you proof of his finances etc, all well and good..Now I have a further suggestion for you..ask him to rent a very small apartment for you there...maybe for three months, this will NOT cost too much, and temporarily move there to get to know him better...

I urge you to take these steps esp concerning the finances, as the problem with financial issues is a biggy when we are dealing with a Tunisian man...If he is a good honest man then no problem, what if he isnt though?..then your nightmare begins..

Something in his story to you does not sit well for me.....Tunisian man with money and who has lived outside Tunisia before, has a brother in UK...bit too good to be true...They choose their matches very carefully .....usually land, money virginity,youth are the criteria....

Personally I think he is desperate to get back to the USA.....for what reason is the question??
 
T

Tunisianbelle1536

Guest
Hi Cydney,
I don't know what to say but, keep your eyes open and good luck!
 

crystal

The Punchy Scot
Hi Cydney,
I don't know what to say but, keep your eyes open and good luck!

I would say.. forget what he wants and how you will achieve this.. Think what your future will be, is this what you want? huge life changes. Long distance relationship years to be together financially how??? I do see that he was raised in Europe and that you were previously married to a Muslim so therefore maybe you approve of marriages without love?? and believe this will come.. Seems a bit dodgy that all conversations seem to be based around Finance, and he is keen to point out the money he has and of course what you have to realize that the plays are all different he will know your history and realize that you would have a knowledge of being married to a muslim therefore that is why he seems to be doing the right thing by you. Do not get complacent because you had a good marriage before. this should not make you secure. If you are happy to go out to Tunisia and marry a stranger>> really please think about this and put yourself first.
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
Seems a bit dodgy that all conversations seem to be based around Finance, and he is keen to point out the money he has

I'm sorry to have given the impression that our only conversations are around money.. Last night we discussed, what we had for dinner, the plight of Bhutanese refugees, the sad state of his bowels at the moment (he has colitis), his youngest sister's refusal of a potential suitor, The weird things that customers would do/say when he was working at a pizza place in New Jersey, The death of Philip Seymour Hoffman, the birthright of Ishmael-vs-Isaac.... among many other subjects...Also, HOW on EARTH is it dodgy to discuss finances openly with someone you are intending to MARRY??? I should think that refusal to talk about finances or just glossing over them quickly would be dodgy.. The fact that he presented a full budget and financial plan for our future seems very reasonable to me because finances are an extremely important issue in marriage that BOTH parties need to be clear on from the start... All your conversations can't be "I love you more.. no I love YOU more"

Anyway, Thank you to all who have answers. Some of your answers have really given me cause to question myself and to adjust my approach a bit. I am still going there and I of course do not believe that this man is a rat... HOWEVER, although I received many contradicting opinions here, the one thing that you all seem to agree on is VERIFICATION and I agree too and reading here has made me more determined to make sure that I have 100% verification of the whole story. I have been discussing with my family the importance of this. We've actually decided that my father will request full financial verification when he meets with the family and without verification, he will not give his consent for the wedding. Also my sister in law who is fluent in arabic is coming to so I think that will be a big help as well.
 

MacCoinneach

Major Ratslayer
I'm glad it's got you thinking at least… and if that's your only concern, I truly admire you! Hopefully he will prove to be exactly who and what you think he is… Good luck.
 

Cydney

Major Ratslayer
I'm glad it's got you thinking at least… and if that's your only concern, I truly admire you! Hopefully he will prove to be exactly who and what you think he is… Good luck.

Well of course going back to something that you mentioned in a previous post I do hope the sex is amazingly fantastic as well.. but since I'm personally opposed to that sort of intimacy outside of marriage, I'd have this same concern no matter WHO I was marrying... He and I have discussed the subject delicately and we are on the same page as far as what ideally we would like our bedroom life to be like.. But if it's not as I had hoped at first, I live by the motto "practice makes perfect" :-p
 

Fern

Major Ratslayer
Well of course going back to something that you mentioned in a previous post I do hope the sex is amazingly fantastic as well.. but since I'm personally opposed to that sort of intimacy outside of marriage, I'd have this same concern no matter WHO I was marrying... He and I have discussed the subject delicately and we are on the same page as far as what ideally we would like our bedroom life to be like.. But if it's not as I had hoped at first, I live by the motto "practice makes perfect" :-p
Arrange to marry before ever meeting in person is fine....but sex before marriage isn't......??? That is beyond my comprehension.
 
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