Welcome to TLR

Narcissistic to the core

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Good afternoon everyone. I am new here although have been reading your posts and comments for a few years already. Like many others I stumbled across this page by accident whilst trying to discover how I was ever sucked into my Rat’s world. Through reading your posts the word “Narcissistic” kept popping into my head and I soon discovered that these rats are all narcissistic in some way. I met my online in 2014 after he sent me a FB friend request. Back then I didn’t think that much about the danger of accepting friend requests from strangers. Initially I didn’t comment on his posts and paid no attention to the comments he posted on mine. He seemed genuine and sincere under the guise of being a committed Christian who was keeping his faith secret from his Muslim family. He sent me pics of himself at church and being baptised and I thought he was sincere and wholesome. How wrong I ended up being. Reading the “love bombing” phase on narcissism sites, I could totally relate. It didn’t take him long to suck me in and I found him charming and attentive and he made me believe I was his world. Suddenly the 17 year age gap meant nothing. He was a Christian after all so would surely not be like some of these online weirdos. I soon realised that some of the seemingly weirdos were actually quite normal and nice. I learned very quickly not to judge a book by its cover. It is scary how easy it is to become ensnared by a narcissist and they know all the tricks to make us become addicted to them. In a way you are at a disadvantage when you meet someone online and start to have feelings for them...as they know how to change their masks to suit each victim...and no doubt he, like many of them, had many of them. In the online world people can be whoever they want to be and mirror us to be the person they think we want them to be. Despite ending all contact in 2018 I still find it hard to let go. By that I mean he enters my thoughts quite regularly and I tell myself, “Why are you wasting even one precious moment of your life thinking of that idiot who ripped your heart into pieces with such ease...and with no remorse?” I ask myself how I ended up having such strong feelings for someone I had never met in person. Interested to know how those of you who met your rat online, have managed to deal with your feelings when the “discard” phase of the relationship began to start? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Hope you’re all having a super day. I’m in the U.K. and it is so hot
 

Gamora

Senior Rat Expert
Good afternoon everyone. I am new here although have been reading your posts and comments for a few years already. Like many others I stumbled across this page by accident whilst trying to discover how I was ever sucked into my Rat’s world. Through reading your posts the word “Narcissistic” kept popping into my head and I soon discovered that these rats are all narcissistic in some way. I met my online in 2014 after he sent me a FB friend request. Back then I didn’t think that much about the danger of accepting friend requests from strangers. Initially I didn’t comment on his posts and paid no attention to the comments he posted on mine. He seemed genuine and sincere under the guise of being a committed Christian who was keeping his faith secret from his Muslim family. He sent me pics of himself at church and being baptised and I thought he was sincere and wholesome. How wrong I ended up being. Reading the “love bombing” phase on narcissism sites, I could totally relate. It didn’t take him long to suck me in and I found him charming and attentive and he made me believe I was his world. Suddenly the 17 year age gap meant nothing. He was a Christian after all so would surely not be like some of these online weirdos. I soon realised that some of the seemingly weirdos were actually quite normal and nice. I learned very quickly not to judge a book by its cover. It is scary how easy it is to become ensnared by a narcissist and they know all the tricks to make us become addicted to them. In a way you are at a disadvantage when you meet someone online and start to have feelings for them...as they know how to change their masks to suit each victim...and no doubt he, like many of them, had many of them. In the online world people can be whoever they want to be and mirror us to be the person they think we want them to be. Despite ending all contact in 2018 I still find it hard to let go. By that I mean he enters my thoughts quite regularly and I tell myself, “Why are you wasting even one precious moment of your life thinking of that idiot who ripped your heart into pieces with such ease...and with no remorse?” I ask myself how I ended up having such strong feelings for someone I had never met in person. Interested to know how those of you who met your rat online, have managed to deal with your feelings when the “discard” phase of the relationship began to start? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Hope you’re all having a super day. I’m in the U.K. and it is so hot
Welcome to the forum!

Sorry you had to experience a rat. We can all relate. They play on on the heartstrings of us being so kind hearted and open. They see our kindness as superficial, but they also believe we are easily manipulated.

As far as the religion goes, many of them have started to use this as a tactic to lure victims in. They pretend they are of another religion to seem relatable. While Islam is the main religion, there are some who are atheists, etc., have a different religion, but this is rare. There is a chance your rat is using religion to lure you.

I can’t tell you it will be easy to get them out of your system, but the more I came here to learn, the more I got over him. I used TLR as therapy basically. Read all that I could. Then I found myself over him.

Where is your rat from?
 

simple

Major Ratslayer
Hi @Scottish Lassie ..sorry you met a rat online ,they really are the worst ...The lovebombing is a form of brainwashing and its hard to get over that ,,Its not him you miss, but the company the chats everyday ,,,I have a hard time believeing he got himself baptised ,are you sure it wasnt all photoshopped to reassure you ,,They do all sorts of things to make you feel secure,,Talking about your experience will help you get over these thoughts you have of him ,as keeping it in ,is whats making you think of him..
 

Storm

Major Ratslayer
Hi Scottish Lassie, welcome to the forum.
Sorry about your experience with a rat.
I can relate because I met my rat online.
Everything you described is pretty much the same description and oh so similar to most here. You can thank your lucky stars you never met him in person and that you got enough information from here to aid in your decision.
Getting him out of your head is the hardest part. I still struggle with that and it's been a while now so I understand what you are going through.
The good thing is that you are in right place with people who understand you and who can listen and support you.
Better days will come.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Hi scottish Lassie welcome we all can relate to it as many of us have met our rat online. When you discover all the truths about these rats it is a real eye-opener and yes you feel devastated you was tricked into it. There are days you think of him and think what if but the more you read about the women who had a real relationship with a rat you will be thankful. I was bitten by an online rat to and I was lucky I found this forum on time or he would be with me as we was trying for a visitor visa who was denied by my government. They are selfish and narcissistic to the extreme. Good that you blocked him don't think of him no more as he doesn't think of you no more you probably are replaced by another unlucky woman
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Hi @Scottish Lassie ..sorry you met a rat online ,they really are the worst ...The lovebombing is a form of brainwashing and its hard to get over that ,,Its not him you miss, but the company the chats everyday ,,,I have a hard time believeing he got himself baptised ,are you sure it wasnt all photoshopped to reassure you ,,They do all sorts of things to make you feel secure,,Talking about your experience will help you get over these thoughts you have of him ,as keeping it in ,is whats making you think of him..
Thank you very much indeed. Being in the company of those who have had the same experiences helps a lot. I hadn’t even known what lovebombing was until I came across this site and linked it to the regualr use of the word “narcissism”. As I researched further and read more about all your experiences, I ticked one box after the other and realised that I had been totally duped. I don’t think the baptism pics were photoshopped but I think he used his “conversion” to convince everyone that he was sincere and had excellent morals. After we started chatting more regularly through private messages he learned how much I love to write handwritten letters and wasted no time to send me a letter. Throughout he referred to me as his “sister”, keeping it loving...but in a brother & sister sort of way. He didn’t show any signs of coming onto me or having other motives for writing. His love for God and his involvement in church activities came up often. He wrote English very well and appeared well educated. I initially saw him as someone I could become good friends (but nothing more) with. Clearly he had other ideas. The lovebombing took me back to when I had my first serious boyfriend at the age of 20 and how those butterflies used to go wild in my tummy and my heart used to beat faster. Little did I know that this was all part of a plan that would leave me devastated at the end. I was as blind as a bat for far too long.
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Hi scottish Lassie welcome we all can relate to it as many of us have met our rat online. When you discover all the truths about these rats it is a real eye-opener and yes you feel devastated you was tricked into it. There are days you think of him and think what if but the more you read about the women who had a real relationship with a rat you will be thankful. I was bitten by an online rat to and I was lucky I found this forum on time or he would be with me as we was trying for a visitor visa who was denied by my government. They are selfish and narcissistic to the extreme. Good that you blocked him don't think of him no more as he doesn't think of you no more you probably are replaced by another unlucky woman
Thank you very much @butterfies for your response. So happy to finally be part of this form knowing I am amongst others who have had similar experiences and know & understand where I am coming from. I have always been a person who tries to see the best in others and sometimes forget that nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws. I just didn’t realise how evil some people could be when it comes to matters of the heart. I think I am at a disadvantage because I am a very sentimental person and throughout my life I have kept so much stuff that reminds me of my past....from birthday cards I received since the early 80s, letters my best friends typed me during their typing classes because they were falling asleep, truckloads of photos I’ve taken over the years and countless handwritten letters I’ve received from family and friends since I was a child. My children laugh at me when I take out all my boxes of memories for a walk down memory lane. That is why I still have the letters my rat wrote me as well as the couple of gifts he sent me. Fortunately I don’t take them out to read or look at repeatedly...but I just can’t bring myself to throw them away. I tell myself that I will look back at those things in 30 years time, smiling and convincing myself that it was just another chapter in my life albeit a heartbreaking one. I too wish I, like you, had come across this forum before I allowed my rat to suck the life out of me. Thanks for your comment. Every bit helps.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Thank you very much indeed. Being in the company of those who have had the same experiences helps a lot. I hadn’t even known what lovebombing was until I came across this site and linked it to the regualr use of the word “narcissism”. As I researched further and read more about all your experiences, I ticked one box after the other and realised that I had been totally duped. I don’t think the baptism pics were photoshopped but I think he used his “conversion” to convince everyone that he was sincere and had excellent morals. After we started chatting more regularly through private messages he learned how much I love to write handwritten letters and wasted no time to send me a letter. Throughout he referred to me as his “sister”, keeping it loving...but in a brother & sister sort of way. He didn’t show any signs of coming onto me or having other motives for writing. His love for God and his involvement in church activities came up often. He wrote English very well and appeared well educated. I initially saw him as someone I could become good friends (but nothing more) with. Clearly he had other ideas. The lovebombing took me back to when I had my first serious boyfriend at the age of 20 and how those butterflies used to go wild in my tummy and my heart used to beat faster. Little did I know that this was all part of a plan that would leave me devastated at the end. I was as blind as a bat for far too long.
We all fell for it as we weren't aware of how they act and use their charm to trick us. Bezness will unfortunately keep existing we can only try help women and I for one am grateful for this forum and the countless efforts the women now and in the past do to try understand the meaning of bezness and learn about tunisian culture and traditions because rats are liars and don't tell us the truth
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Welcome to the forum!

Sorry you had to experience a rat. We can all relate. They play on on the heartstrings of us being so kind hearted and open. They see our kindness as superficial, but they also believe we are easily manipulated.

As far as the religion goes, many of them have started to use this as a tactic to lure victims in. They pretend they are of another religion to seem relatable. While Islam is the main religion, there are some who are atheists, etc., have a different religion, but this is rare. There is a chance your rat is using religion to lure you.

I can’t tell you it will be easy to get them out of your system, but the more I came here to learn, the more I got over him. I used TLR as therapy basically. Read all that I could. Then I found myself over him.

Where is your rat from?
Thank you @Gamora. Yes, his ability to convince me that he was a Christian made me feel comfortable and made me believe that he didn’t have any ulterior motives. I should have known better since I have a keen interest is true crime and have done so since I was around 10. I blame my mum, gran and aunt because they read and watched a lot of true crime. I think I was always interested in the Phycology of murderers etc. and what made them the people they turned out to be. Many of them are described as narcissistic because of the relationships they had with their main caregivers. I soon discovered that my rat had a very bad relationship with his parents...mainly his dad...and was always made to feel like a nobody. I tried to make myself believe that that was probably why he was the way he was but upon stumbling across this site I realised that that was surely not the only reason. After reading so many posts and comments on here I was enlightened and realised that he wasn’t a one-off but had a lot of “bad” company. I realised that it was beyond narcissism and that I couldn’t just blame the parents for the way their sons turned out and led them to becoming the rats they are. TLR had helped me realise that the way he ended up being once the mask fell off was not because of something I had done. He probably knew what he was doing when he friended me on Facebook. Like many other rats, he hid all his friends on FB so that I could only see the mutual ones. He even ended up friending my mum and best friend on FB and they thought he was the most amazing guy given the way I sang his praises. In messages he started referring to my mother as “mum” as if he was already part of my family and he spoke about my children as if they were his own. I was totally oblivious to the fact that he was worming his way into my life and into my heart.
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Hi Scottish Lassie, welcome to the forum.
Sorry about your experience with a rat.
I can relate because I met my rat online.
Everything you described is pretty much the same description and oh so similar to most here. You can thank your lucky stars you never met him in person and that you got enough information from here to aid in your decision.
Getting him out of your head is the hardest part. I still struggle with that and it's been a while now so I understand what you are going through.
The good thing is that you are in right place with people who understand you and who can listen and support you.
Better days will come.
I
Thank you @Storm. It is so good to know I am not alone. I only knew Tunisia as a country in North Africa but had no clue about the culture, main religion, main languages etc. Certainly I hadn’t heard of the term “live rats”. I had never come across such a person so it really was an eye-opener when I realised exactly what I was dealing with. I couldn’t understand the occasional unfriending (and friending after a few weeks) on Facebook or the “silent treatment” on WhatsApp where I was wondering what I had done wrong and where my endless messages were receiving no response. My mind would go into overdrive and I would keep blaming myself despite not even knowing what I had done wrong. Like with a lot of people in my life, there were a few songs that reminded me of him and would give me butterflies when we couldn’t be in contact for whatever reason. Of course I am now convinced that the reasons he would give me were all lies. Even now when I listen to music on my playlist on iTunes I have to skip the few that remind me of him as they just depress me. Sadly they are songs that I previously loved but now just make me feel down. It’s really weird. We actually did come close to meeting when he was over here for a work course in Cambridge. When I said I couldn’t just get up and go away for a few days leaving my children at home and tried to suggest that we meet in London for the day, he initially agreed but changed his mind at the last minute and said he was going to spend som time sightseeing with his colleagues as he had not been to Britain before. I immediately realised that he wanted me to spend a few days in Cambridge for “after hours activities” (although he didn’t say it outright) and that it wasn’t good enough to just finally meet me after 3 years of correspondence but rather go out with his colleagues. I tried to see things from his point of view but knew in my heart of hearts that he was only looking for dessert. I’m glad now that things turned out the way they did as I think it would have been even harder getting over him if I had actually met him in person.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Thank you @Gamora. Yes, his ability to convince me that he was a Christian made me feel comfortable and made me believe that he didn’t have any ulterior motives. I should have known better since I have a keen interest is true crime and have done so since I was around 10. I blame my mum, gran and aunt because they read and watched a lot of true crime. I think I was always interested in the Phycology of murderers etc. and what made them the people they turned out to be. Many of them are described as narcissistic because of the relationships they had with their main caregivers. I soon discovered that my rat had a very bad relationship with his parents...mainly his dad...and was always made to feel like a nobody. I tried to make myself believe that that was probably why he was the way he was but upon stumbling across this site I realised that that was surely not the only reason. After reading so many posts and comments on here I was enlightened and realised that he wasn’t a one-off but had a lot of “bad” company. I realised that it was beyond narcissism and that I couldn’t just blame the parents for the way their sons turned out and led them to becoming the rats they are. TLR had helped me realise that the way he ended up being once the mask fell off was not because of something I had done. He probably knew what he was doing when he friended me on Facebook. Like many other rats, he hid all his friends on FB so that I could only see the mutual ones. He even ended up friending my mum and best friend on FB and they thought he was the most amazing guy given the way I sang his praises. In messages he started referring to my mother as “mum” as if he was already part of my family and he spoke about my children as if they were his own. I was totally oblivious to the fact that he was worming his way into my life and into my heart.
They wurm themselves in to your life and the life of your friends and family. Be careful with that keep your friend lists on social media private as they do try contact them when you block the rat
 
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Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Welcome to the forum!

Sorry you had to experience a rat. We can all relate. They play on on the heartstrings of us being so kind hearted and open. They see our kindness as superficial, but they also believe we are easily manipulated.

As far as the religion goes, many of them have started to use this as a tactic to lure victims in. They pretend they are of another religion to seem relatable. While Islam is the main religion, there are some who are atheists, etc., have a different religion, but this is rare. There is a chance your rat is using religion to lure you.

I can’t tell you it will be easy to get them out of your system, but the more I came here to learn, the more I got over him. I used TLR as therapy basically. Read all that I could. Then I found myself over him.

Where is your rat from?
Hi again @Gamora. My rat was from Beni Khiar but is now living in the US. That’s another story altogether.
 

Storm

Major Ratslayer
I
Thank you @Storm. It is so good to know I am not alone. I only knew Tunisia as a country in North Africa but had no clue about the culture, main religion, main languages etc. Certainly I hadn’t heard of the term “live rats”. I had never come across such a person so it really was an eye-opener when I realised exactly what I was dealing with. I couldn’t understand the occasional unfriending (and friending after a few weeks) on Facebook or the “silent treatment” on WhatsApp where I was wondering what I had done wrong and where my endless messages were receiving no response. My mind would go into overdrive and I would keep blaming myself despite not even knowing what I had done wrong. Like with a lot of people in my life, there were a few songs that reminded me of him and would give me butterflies when we couldn’t be in contact for whatever reason. Of course I am now convinced that the reasons he would give me were all lies. Even now when I listen to music on my playlist on iTunes I have to skip the few that remind me of him as they just depress me. Sadly they are songs that I previously loved but now just make me feel down. It’s really weird. We actually did come close to meeting when he was over here for a work course in Cambridge. When I said I couldn’t just get up and go away for a few days leaving my children at home and tried to suggest that we meet in London for the day, he initially agreed but changed his mind at the last minute and said he was going to spend som time sightseeing with his colleagues as he had not been to Britain before. I immediately realised that he wanted me to spend a few days in Cambridge for “after hours activities” (although he didn’t say it outright) and that it wasn’t good enough to just finally meet me after 3 years of correspondence but rather go out with his colleagues. I tried to see things from his point of view but knew in my heart of hearts that he was only looking for dessert. I’m glad now that things turned out the way they did as I think it would have been even harder getting over him if I had actually met him in person.
I was in the same boat as you. Never heard of love rats or bezness before but was fortunate to discover it from here.
All too familiar with how you described him and trust me you will never understand him. Just leaves you wondering all the time. They only know how to lie.
It's a rollercoaster ride we had to just get off of.

Unfortunately there will always be things that remind us of them, there is no escaping that. You just have to create new things that make you happy, things that are the opposite of what connected you to him.

As hard as it can be at times, there will be better times. It's good that you came to a place where we can all share our experiences and be there for each other. Glad you are here.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Thank you very much @butterfies for your response. So happy to finally be part of this form knowing I am amongst others who have had similar experiences and know & understand where I am coming from. I have always been a person who tries to see the best in others and sometimes forget that nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws. I just didn’t realise how evil some people could be when it comes to matters of the heart. I think I am at a disadvantage because I am a very sentimental person and throughout my life I have kept so much stuff that reminds me of my past....from birthday cards I received since the early 80s, letters my best friends typed me during their typing classes because they were falling asleep, truckloads of photos I’ve taken over the years and countless handwritten letters I’ve received from family and friends since I was a child. My children laugh at me when I take out all my boxes of memories for a walk down memory lane. That is why I still have the letters my rat wrote me as well as the couple of gifts he sent me. Fortunately I don’t take them out to read or look at repeatedly...but I just can’t bring myself to throw them away. I tell myself that I will look back at those things in 30 years time, smiling and convincing myself that it was just another chapter in my life albeit a heartbreaking one. I too wish I, like you, had come across this forum before I allowed my rat to suck the life out of me. Thanks for your comment. Every bit helps.
HI Scottish Lassie my rat and I talked for 3 years online and I was much older and he convinced me it was not a problem the age gap. So did his sisters and his mother via camera all sent me kisses and told me they loved me. When you sent a text to him and he doesn't respond are a part of their game as they know you are worried as you have learned by now. It is hard to know you was just a game for him. And yes it affects your heart as we are women who cares and have empathy. Look to the future and leave the past where it belongs.....in the past ....as it was a bad experience where we learn from to not to trust easy on the internet. I know it is not easy and from time to time you will think more of him but it will fade away and replace it with nicer things xxxx
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
HI Scottish Lassie my rat and I talked for 3 years online and I was much older and he convinced me it was not a problem the age gap. So did his sisters and his mother via camera all sent me kisses and told me they loved me. When you sent a text to him and he doesn't respond are a part of their game as they know you are worried as you have learned by now. It is hard to know you was just a game for him. And yes it affects your heart as we are women who cares and have empathy. Look to the future and leave the past where it belongs.....in the past ....as it was a bad experience where we learn from to not to trust easy on the internet. I know it is not easy and from time to time you will think more of him but it will fade away and replace it with nicer things xxxx
Thank you for your advice @Butterflies. I have taken it onboard. I struggled a lot initially, especially when the devaluation phase arrived and I knew that he had accepted that we were going nowhere and that his hope of us having a quick marriage in Tunisia and then returning to the U.K. to live was not going to happen. It was then that he decided that he was going to go to the USA...initially stating that he would establish himself and then send for me. That was complete rubbish and I knew it...although my heart wouldn’t accept it. I never spoke to any of his family but during WhatsApp & Skype video calls he would often have his nephew (who was still a toddler) in his arms. He did so many underhanded things and was pretty open about them when he no longer felt the need to impress me. I was just a “side helping” along with many other women no doubt. I was fortunate to escape and I e made it almost impossible for him to reach me. I blocked him on all social media platforms but he blocked me on LinkedIn. As it is a professional platform it does not give me the option to also block him once he blocks me. Hopefully he’ll never unblock me and try to reconnect. I never want to hear from him again. I tell myself this on a daily basis.
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
I was in the same boat as you. Never heard of love rats or bezness before but was fortunate to discover it from here.
All too familiar with how you described him and trust me you will never understand him. Just leaves you wondering all the time. They only know how to lie.
It's a rollercoaster ride we had to just get off of.

Unfortunately there will always be things that remind us of them, there is no escaping that. You just have to create new things that make you happy, things that are the opposite of what connected you to him.

As hard as it can be at times, there will be better times. It's good that you came to a place where we can all share our experiences and be there for each other. Glad you are here.
Thank you very much for your assuring words @Storm. I’m so glad to be here too and to be able to chat with women who have come across these scoundrels. For the most part I am too trusting and try to see the best in others. I guess this leaves me open to manipulation and boy did my rat lay it on thick. He knew exactly what strings to pull. I gave him the benefit of the doubt far too often because I did not want to believe that he was rotten...even though deep inside I knew that he was. Something had changed and I was seeing a side to him I did not like. The respect was gone. I guess his only concern may have been that he had opened up to me about so much and that I might use it against him down the line. I don’t have the energy for that frankly but I do believe what goes around comes around....and his day is coming. Thanks again for your advice. Each little bit I receive helps.
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Wow how did he get to the US?
Hi @Gamora. That is quite a story which I will bring up in my next post. It seems that these rats will say and do anything to achieve their goals...even if that means lying and doing illegal things. It is definitely a blessing in disguise that he ended up moving to the US and not to the U.K. It would probably have been more convenient here since we are basically a stone’s throw away from Tunisia compared with the US. He is actually married now. I feel for his wife because, unless something dramatic happened since I heard from him last, she has no idea who she really married. He even used her and I’m sure she’d be quickly divorcing him if she knew the truth.
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
They wurm themselves in to your life and the life of your friends and family. Be careful with that keep your friend lists on social media private as they do try contact them when you block the rat
Thanks for that @Butterflies. I quickly changed my Facebook privacy settings after that. I told him in one of my last messages to him that once I block someone on social media I usually don’t unblock them. I don’t go through my blocked list every so often to see who I can unblock. It’s not that I hold grudges or never forgive but unless I wish to have interaction with a person at some point, I don’t feel the need to unblock people. It’s the same for me on Instagram. I have quite a large following and have blocked about 250 people on there since I started my page about 6 or 7 years ago...my rat included. Once you’re blocked there is no turning back.
 

Wiser

Major Ratslayer
Hello @Scottish Lassie !
Reading little by little your story brings a lot of flash backs of my experience too.
He also tried hard to show religiousness, sending letters (that later I saw he was sending the same words to other women) talking of how hard his childhood was, all that was to create the false sense they are helpless and vulnerable. His reality was very different than the one he described.
He also appeared on pictures and video calls with children and wearing flowers on his hair... My interpretation was he must be a kind man, honest, clean hearted. Honestly he has been the worst person I came across in life.
That’s what hurt the most, they painted the ideal person to Make plans and share life, at the moment they were just preparing their way to get benefits from it.
Wishing you to heal from this deception soon. XX
 
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Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Hello @Scottish Lassie !
Reading little by little your story brings a lot of flash backs of my experience too.
He also tried hard to show religiousness, sending letters (that later I saw he was sending the same words to other women) talking of how hard his childhood was, all that was to create the false sense they are helpless and vulnerable. His reality was very different than the one he described.
He also appeared on pictures and video calls with children and wearing flowers on his hair... My interpretation was he must be a kind man, honest, clean hearted. Honestly he has been the worst person I came across in life.
That’s what hurt the most, they painted the ideal person to Make plans and share life, at the Ben they were just preparing their way to get benefits from it.
Wishing you to heal from this deception soon. XX
Thank you @Wiser Your name is very fitting as I think all of us have become wiser even if we’re fighting the addiction. My rat would tell me about all the children we would have despite the fact that I had had my tubes cut and tied after the birth of my second child in 2004. Yes, I had idealised my rat and was taken in by his constant use of Bible quotes and telling me about all the church camps he was going on. These “camps” took place Quite often and lasted 5 days. It made me wonder what stories he was telling his parents since he still lived at home (as seems to be the case with a lot of them) and his parents were Muslim (he was also raised as one but “converted“ to Christianity in 2013). He certainly wasn’t telling them that he was going away with his church for 5 days at a time. He would tell me how he had his Bibles hidden in his bedroom and could not allow his parents to see them and have his big “secret” revealed. He acted as though they were going to throw him out or hurt him if the truth was ever revealed. He had a bad relationship with his father since childhood and that is where I believe some of his narcissistic traits originated from. So yes, even I felt pity for him. According to him his sisters were the loved ones and received the love and attention from his dad that he was never afforded. His stories really used to pull on my heartstrings. What a fool I was. Initially he came across as godly and never swore or spoke in an ugly manner. He came across as the perfect gentleman. His mask only started to peel off when he finally accepted that I was not going to be his ticket to a visa to live in the U.K. He wanted me to basically choose between my children and him. He should have known better than to do that. This was not the same person I “fell in love” with a few years earlier. He was the devil in disguise. x
 

Wiser

Major Ratslayer
Here some of our members are Muslim or married to a Muslim man and can guide you better on the subject, from what I understand and saw with my ex they indeed treat their sons like a little prince, they have a duty further to help their parents and family financially.
A traditional family would keep their daughters with more restrictions than their sons.
 

Wiser

Major Ratslayer
I believe he wasn’t manipulating you so finally you decided to help him migrate, he treated your kids as his own and spoke about them nicely with your family but the reality came out when he asked you to leave them. It was about him and migration the whole time.
 

Storm

Major Ratslayer
Thank you very much for your assuring words @Storm. I’m so glad to be here too and to be able to chat with women who have come across these scoundrels. For the most part I am too trusting and try to see the best in others. I guess this leaves me open to manipulation and boy did my rat lay it on thick. He knew exactly what strings to pull. I gave him the benefit of the doubt far too often because I did not want to believe that he was rotten...even though deep inside I knew that he was. Something had changed and I was seeing a side to him I did not like. The respect was gone. I guess his only concern may have been that he had opened up to me about so much and that I might use it against him down the line. I don’t have the energy for that frankly but I do believe what goes around comes around....and his day is coming. Thanks again for your advice. Each little bit I receive helps.
No problem. Yes they do a number on us. Very gifted at seeking the vulnerable and they know that they can find that in foreign women. They see us as weak because we are kind and use that to their advantage.
Their act doesn't last too long. They can't keep up the façade as you have discovered.
Interesting how he was concerned about you using his information against him later when really that's their ammo. They are the ones who gather as much as they can about you to use for blackmail if they don't get their way.
But anyways good that you saw him for what he was.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Thanks for that @Butterflies. I quickly changed my Facebook privacy settings after that. I told him in one of my last messages to him that once I block someone on social media I usually don’t unblock them. I don’t go through my blocked list every so often to see who I can unblock. It’s not that I hold grudges or never forgive but unless I wish to have interaction with a person at some point, I don’t feel the need to unblock people. It’s the same for me on Instagram. I have quite a large following and have blocked about 250 people on there since I started my page about 6 or 7 years ago...my rat included. Once you’re blocked there is no turning back.
Hi sad to hear your story it all sounds so familiar. I hope he leaves you alone as they create fake acounts fb and instagram with fake names to try contact you again. When it's possible warn your friends and family who where on your social media. My rat has up to now much acounts and still try contact me. I am happy you got away from him xxx
 

Scottish Lassie

Rat Expert
Thanks @Butterflies. I found some of his fake accounts and I blocked him on there too. He may have noticed but it doesn’t bother me either way. I changed my FB settings so I can only receive friend requests from mutual connections. On his main account we have 2 mutual contacts but I don’t think that is the case on the other accounts. I doubt he will try to contact me any time soon as he has been married for 2 years and I’m not sure how many years he has to live in the US before he can obtain a Green Card...his ultimate goal. He has an unusual surname and as soon as I google it it (still) shows a wedding gift suggestion list for family & friends. It also gave me details on his wife and I found her on LinkedIn. I’ve not checked her profile but I know where she works. I would never contact her...and he can consider himself lucky. I wouldn’t stoop to his level. My children knew of his existence and my son (17 at the time) spoke to him a couple of times on Skype as I was chatting to him...and their common interest is Fifa so that is what they chatted about. My son didn’t find it strange that we were chatting and never asked if we were more than friends. He knows my son’s name and could easily find him on Facebook. I don’t want my rat involving my family in any revenge attacks...but I really do feel for his wife. She deserves better.
 
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