New member needs advice

Discussion in 'Rat on a Rat' started by Aysha, Oct 24, 2018.

  1. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    I did that too.( These were the times when I had no idea about this site ). And I would not recommend no one to repeat this.
     
  2. MaterialGirl

    MaterialGirl Well-Known Member

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    Guilty person here too. I fell for the blocking, unblocking game and I would always end up more damage than how I started. It is a mind game. It is better to walk away from it. I'm sorry but it is the painful raw truth :(
    Stay strong. A person like that is not worth your time or tears.
     
  3. Going for the limit

    Going for the limit Well-Known Member

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    Read judiths thread, shes blocked unblocked and let him in several times shes now in an emotional turmoil.
    Please dont do it to yourself he is not worth it you deserve so much more.
    Listen to the ladys on here they are all going through it or have been through it.
     
  4. MaterialGirl

    MaterialGirl Well-Known Member

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    Read Wallah's Coping Strategy thread. Read it over and over again. Copy it, Screenshot it or print it and carry it with you all time if necessary. These tips truly helped me a lot to overcome those moments when I felt weak and vulnerable. Stay strong. You are worth the fight!
    COPING STRATEGY
    Don’t disbelieve what’s happened – accept it – I know that it seems unbelievable, but it really did happen.
    Don’t feel that you’re the only victim. It is quite possible that there were women before you, also possible that there were women at the same time and there will definitely be more women afterwards
    Don’t compare his behavior with normal feelings - how could he etc? He could because he can and unlike the majority of humanity, has no moral conscience.
    Don’t think about the ‘relationship that you thought you had – it was never there. You gave your own, but he simply used you as a means to an end.
    Don’t think that he did love you – accept that he never did – and sadly, he may not even have liked you. You were simply a commodity to be used to gain money, visa, sex etc
    Don’t make excuses for him. He did what he did in a cold calculated deliberate way with no regards what-so-ever for you or your feelings
    Don’t replay all those good times – they weren’t. It was all a charade – an act necessary to achieve his targets.
    Don’t take it personally. This time it was you, but could quite well have been another woman. You as a person didn’t actually come into the equation.
    Don’t blame yourself. You were a victim. As a decent person you assumed that he was also a decent person
    Don’t feel guilty – he won’t. It’s not your fault that you were duped – conned. He was the perpetrator and you rightly believed the situation to be genuine.
    Don’t be ashamed – these men are professional at manipulating women. You are not a fool. You are not a mug. It has happened to thousands of women, because they are decent individuals.
    Don’t ask ‘’how could he do such a thing, he knows how unhappy/sad/depressed I had been recently?’’ The fact that you were vulnerable made you more attractive as a victim – easier to manipulate.
    Don’t try to analyse the situation – you’ll never make sense of it. Decent people will never be able to understand how any other human being can be so unfeeling and immoral.
    Don’t seek for the things that you did wrong – could have done better. Nothing that you could have said or done will have resulted in him treating you in an acceptable way. That is not how they work.
    Don’t dream about the ‘if only it were true’ scenario – it never was and never would be. That is not their aim. Generally the Tunisian female fits into the happy ever after category.
    Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of other future women/relationships. They would and will be there and you’ll never change that.
    Don’t be tempted by second chances. If he has done it once, he will do it again, but the second time you will be a softer target. You will literally give him the go-ahead to continue.
    Don’t add up all the money you invested in the relationship – console yourself with what you can do with your spare cash now.
    Don’t think of getting the money back – you won’t – ever.
    Don’t give in to blackmail – let him do his worst – post his videos etc. Your friends – the people who matter - will be there for you
    Don’t tolerate threats against you and or your loved ones. Try to record if possible and inform the police.
    Don’t believe his threats of the ‘Tunisian Mafia’ that all live in England and will go to ‘sort your family out’. They don’t exist and if they did and they would no doubt be too busy with their own scams.
    Don’t believe that his family loved you and welcomed you and your children. If they appeared to it was because they also saw you as a target for money/visa.
    Don’t show that you are hurt, devastated, if in contact with him or mutual friends. If you do he will see this as a sign of weakness and move in again for the kill.
    Don’t listen to any messages from his family, friends, colleagues etc. Irrespective of what they say, they will be securely on his side.
    Don’t accept offers of support or friendship from his friends who criticize his behaviour. They are like jackals moving in to take advantage of the weak.
    Don’t hate him – this will only poison your future. He’s not worth that – he’s a total nothing – of no consequence.
    Don’t think that the next one will be better – there’s every likely hood that he won’t
    Don’t keep wishing ‘if only’. It happened and you survived – treat it as an education.
     
  5. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    Aysha, sit on your hands. Step away from the phone. This is a bad day, to be expected, IT WILL PASS, in the first few months I had days like this. I would wake feeling like someone just died, struggle to get to work, cry like an abandoned orphan, but it does pass, it’s exhausting. I wanted to unblock to see what would happen, but resist resist resist. This is like a book where you absolutely know the ending. You know what’s ahead of you, but are still drawn to it. I honestly feel for you today, I was in that same place several times, butit will pass. Each time it gets easier. Just let it all out here.
     
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  6. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    I can understand and even live again this pain trough your words. They are not silly questions Aysha. For you as for me or all members here it was a true love, we gave feelings in a clean and honest way, we made plans for future and it all ended as a scam. None of us were valued as woman nor even as a human. This is not against you, he offended and disappointed you, but he will do the same to every single woman on his way. You can read all stories here, deception at all stages, my escape was at same stage as yours, before marriage. But there are a lot of women who indeed got married and they suffered hell and escaped too, others that went further, they had kids with them and spend a lifetime toghether. They managed to get away too. Others that got stripped from everything and ended as homeless or living on welfare. Aysha you didn’t met a normal guy this is a Narcissist, sociopath and scammer. He pretends to earn a living from women. It’s nothing you did wrong and has nothing to do with your beauty, nor your values, only with your nationality and willingness to sponsor a parasite. Big hugs. Let that toxic out of your life. Heal and be happy. Xxxxx
     
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  7. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    On low days you remember what you liked and missed. But it’s vital to make a list of the bad things. I promise you they outweigh any fake good times. Every tender moment I ever had was fake. Every word and action had an ulterior motive. Every lie was to cover up another lie.

    I challenge you to make a list of all the doubts, the lies, I promise they outweigh the good.

    The reality is you now know he is a liar, cheat, conman, fraud. To fall into a relationship the first time was unfortunate, no one would truly choose to have a relationship with someone who openly had no respect for them, was using them and able to drop them in a second. To court the same relationship for a second time would destroy your self esteem, because in the first round you thought he was everything but he thought you were nothing.

    In round two, you both think you are nothing. Job done.
     
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  8. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    Me too. :(
     
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  9. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    We have all been trying hard to persuade Judith for over a year now to let him go, she hasn’t been able to ( yet) but she is really suffering as a result and her recovery delayed. It’s much like an alcoholic who tries to stay sobar but each day has just one small drink, knowing they have to stop but just teetering on the edge but putting off the inevitable.

    It prolongs the agony and the outcome is still the same. Once you know they are a cheating lying rat you can’t ‘unknow it’. When you know, you know!
     
  10. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    You are not back where you started. You are wiser and will be stronger. Try and think about what you gained not what you feel you lost.

    An odd analogy I know, but I used to try and think about it as though I had had a promonition. That I was about to get on a plane that would crash but something stopped me.

    You have avoided your very own catastophy. You are one of the lucky ones. You escaped this without being forced into a marriage, treated like dirt, made to feel afraid. You are one of the lucky ones.

    When it ends but they still try to contact you can feel a misplaced sense of power, that you could go back if you wanted too, that somehow they are still trying so they must have cared. WRONG, they are trying because they like to have the last word. So he’s stopped contacting you and his family have given up, they will be wooing the next one now. Now you have felt you have lost the upper hand and it’s scary, because this is it. It’s now the end. Take back your power DO NOT CONTACT, it’s what they are all waiting for you to do. This is like a game of poker and tactics.
     
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  11. magic

    magic Well-Known Member

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  12. magic

    magic Well-Known Member

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    Ugly,vile creature
     
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  13. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Aysha, tis normal, my lovely.....we've all been there, haunted by the how's and why's...completely unable to believe he didn't care at all...every wonderful memory was fake.
    Tis a very cruel and destructive game they play for greed, with no thought nor care for the damage they cause each victim.
    You have these doubts, this curiosity, because you know your love was real, you know you could never treat somebody this way......but his 'Love' was never real....and his narcissistic personality means he can treat people this way....and then just discard them.

    Hang tough, you'll get through this.....but only if you vent here, and do not give in by making contact....your recovery will take even longer with contact, and as the girls said.....Judith is our best example of that.
     
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  14. Mystery

    Mystery Well-Known Member

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    Darling Aysha,
    please know we are going through the same or been through it. To answer your question no he's not missing you. Missing the money yes.
    He is not like other men they don't know how to love not in the same way we do.
    You go back now and the pain you feel now will be threefold.
    More money more gifts and back to square one.
    There is no hope with these rats.
    They can promise you the world but can't deliver.
    Please don't end up like some of us here.
    Mango myself and many others your life with be pure hell. You can't look forward to the future there is no future.
    You been so strong well done.
    Let them block you I am 100 % sure they will try contact you again do the waiting time.
    He's not finished losing his bank machine.
    He and his family are hoping you cave in its how they work. Your doing amazing.
     
  15. Aysha

    Aysha Active Member

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    Good morning ladies, sorry I didn’t respond last night. I was a mess and I took some medicine to help me sleep. I’m bit better this morning. Feel so exhausted physically and emotionally. I want say Thank you so much for the live and support. I never imagined that you guys would be here the way you have been now. I wish to be strong like you and be able to help someone like you all have helped me. Honestly I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. And I’m scared because I don’t know if and when I’ll be able to bounce back to my normal self. Question: the holidays are here and recently I been asked out on quite a few dates I tell them I recently got out of a relationship “ apparently with myself” hahaha I didn’t say that lol but they ask we can go out as friends nothing serious. So should I go? I mean does that make me look bad? Is it to soon. Nothing romantic on my part.
     
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  16. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    Of course you should. Friends are perfect for you now :)
     
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  17. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    Going out with friends is perfectly fine dear! To focus your mind in other subjects and not towards this coward. You will get in a relationship once you feel comfortable with. But at the moment is is a great step to take power away from him. Closing all doors and living your life. This is your story and you control it. Not the freak.
     
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  18. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    About helping other women will come naturally, just by telling your story others can understand what is going on. Big hug and you are doing very well xx
     
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  19. Mystery

    Mystery Well-Known Member

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    Go out laugh enjoy don't think about him.
    He is your passed look to a happy future.
    Let your hair down girl.
     
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  20. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Girl, you pop your gladrags on, do your hair, put your make up on.....and go!!
    Feeling good and positive about your outer appearance does wonders for your inner you and your confidence :)

    Go out and let your hair down, remind yourself what it is to feel pretty, to feel attractive....it will make you stronger, build your confidence and your belief in yourself, and do you know what....if a bit of romance eventually sneaks in....you grab that too!

    Life is too short to sit indoors wallowing over some gormless, manky toothed, uneducated rat!
    You get out there and paint the town red! :love:
     
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  21. Jisela

    Jisela Well-Known Member

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    I also had the opportunity but I want to heal up and not rush.
     
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  22. Aysha

    Aysha Active Member

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    Thank you ladies! I wasn’t sure an was feeling uneasy about it. But I definitely will take it into consideration what the advice you lovely ladies are giving me. I still haven’t told my family what has happened and I’m a bit embarrassed. Since he has met pretty much most all my family via Skype.
     
  23. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    Took me some time too, about two months to tell my mother and closest cousins. Then my brothers and nephews in order to avoid he tried to reach them by messenger. Little after I talked about it to my closest friends and it felt really good, do not fear your loved ones will be always by your side and will make you feel good. Take your time, meanwhile you can express your feelings here with us. Xx
     
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  24. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    Haven’t told everyone, still feel can’t face the issue of wearing engagement ring for a year, having a wedding gown.... every time (4 times) I canceled my trip had to tell excuses about my offices or something, never told he was treating me bad or I was suspicious about his behaviour. The last trip I even booked a hotel in case he became crazy and I had to go back.. with a wedding gown. No sense in that but that’s how it was. His constant sorry wasn’t my intention, or it was due to desperation... lame excuses had me swinging back and forward. A hell, wasn’t being happy anymore but addicted. I’m so glad now he couldn’t keep his big mouth closed and confessed his plans also his blackmailing so I could close the freaking door at once. Somehow you will find the right way to organize and the moment to let your family know how it exactly happened. Xx
     
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  25. AmberHeart

    AmberHeart Lady Amberheart of Gafsa

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    My mother said thank God he never touched you! Thank God you are still here with us, can’t imagine these girls mothers how they feel knowing what happened to their girls. She often asks me about the group and is happy I can express here all that odd situation.
     

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