Possible Coping Stratagy

Discussion in 'Rat on a Rat' started by wallah, Jan 15, 2013.

  1. wallah

    wallah Well-Known Member

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    I have never been the victim of a love rat - and at 70 and happily married, I am not likely to be. However, having lived in a tourist area of Tunisia for a total of 6years, I have been in a prime position to see these Love Rats at work on a daily basis – and I have also been in a prime position to see the horrendous damage caused by these cruel, heartless and immoral individuals. Last night I got to thinking about possible coping strategies and came up with this list. I guess that other forum members can add to this.
    COPING STRATEGY
    Don’t disbelieve what’s happened – accept it – I know that it seems unbelievable, but it really did happen.
    Don’t feel that you’re the only victim. It is quite possible that there were women before you, also possible that there were women at the same time and there will definitely be more women afterwards
    Don’t compare his behavior with normal feelings - how could he etc? He could because he can and unlike the majority of humanity, has no moral conscience.
    Don’t think about the ‘relationship that you thought you had – it was never there. You gave your own, but he simply used you as a means to an end.
    Don’t think that he did love you – accept that he never did – and sadly, he may not even have liked you. You were simply a commodity to be used to gain money, visa, sex etc
    Don’t make excuses for him. He did what he did in a cold calculated deliberate way with no regards what-so-ever for you or your feelings
    Don’t replay all those good times – they weren’t. It was all a charade – an act necessary to achieve his targets.
    Don’t take it personally. This time it was you, but could quite well have been another woman. You as a person didn’t actually come into the equation.
    Don’t blame yourself. You were a victim. As a decent person you assumed that he was also a decent person
    Don’t feel guilty – he won’t. It’s not your fault that you were duped – conned. He was the perpetrator and you rightly believed the situation to be genuine.
    Don’t be ashamed – these men are professional at manipulating women. You are not a fool. You are not a mug. It has happened to thousands of women, because they are decent individuals.
    Don’t ask ‘’how could he do such a thing, he knows how unhappy/sad/depressed I had been recently?’’ The fact that you were vulnerable made you more attractive as a victim – easier to manipulate.
    Don’t try to analyse the situation – you’ll never make sense of it. Decent people will never be able to understand how any other human being can be so unfeeling and immoral.
    Don’t seek for the things that you did wrong – could have done better. Nothing that you could have said or done will have resulted in him treating you in an acceptable way. That is not how they work.
    Don’t dream about the ‘if only it were true’ scenario – it never was and never would be. That is not their aim. Generally the Tunisian female fits into the happy ever after category.
    Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of other future women/relationships. They would and will be there and you’ll never change that.
    Don’t be tempted by second chances. If he has done it once, he will do it again, but the second time you will be a softer target. You will literally give him the go-ahead to continue.
    Don’t add up all the money you invested in the relationship – console yourself with what you can do with your spare cash now.
    Don’t think of getting the money back – you won’t – ever.
    Don’t give in to blackmail – let him do his worst – post his videos etc. Your friends – the people who matter - will be there for you
    Don’t tolerate threats against you and or your loved ones. Try to record if possible and inform the police.
    Don’t believe his threats of the ‘Tunisian Mafia’ that all live in England and will go to ‘sort your family out’. They don’t exist and if they did and they would no doubt be too busy with their own scams.
    Don’t believe that his family loved you and welcomed you and your children. If they appeared to it was because they also saw you as a target for money/visa.
    Don’t show that you are hurt, devastated, if in contact with him or mutual friends. If you do he will see this as a sign of weakness and move in again for the kill.
    Don’t listen to any messages from his family, friends, colleagues etc. Irrespective of what they say, they will be securely on his side.
    Don’t accept offers of support or friendship from his friends who criticize his behaviour. They are like jackals moving in to take advantage of the weak.
    Don’t hate him – this will only poison your future. He’s not worth that – he’s a total nothing – of no consequence.
    Don’t think that the next one will be better – there’s every likely hood that he won’t
    Don’t keep wishing ‘if only’. It happened and you survived – treat it as an education.

    Get a little stronger every day
    Get angry
    Get professional help – Doctor counselling etc
    Value yourself
    Block! Delete! Ignore!
    Don’t leave TLRs – keep reading – the support is there. It will get better.
    Do I come across as a bitter and cynical woman? Possibly so – I have seen enough to make me one!! All best wishes x
     
  2. the nutty professor

    the nutty professor Bad Teacher

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    fantastic post wallah!

    I would also add, "don't try to validate the relationship by telling the story to all and sundry in the hope that someone will see the good side in him/it and give the beneift of the doubt as this will cause you to wobble from your position.
    you will go through the stages of grief and feel a bit silly to have been conned/duped but that self-realisti0n is al part of the process
    and "don't be too hard on yourself" as hindsight is a wonderful gift we all have access too, it's foresight that causes the problem
     
  3. BrownGirl

    BrownGirl Moderator And Queen of Summaries Staff Member

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    Great posts wallah and nutty :thumbsup:
     
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  4. marilyna

    marilyna Chocolate Connoisseur

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    Great post Wallah, I remember you telling me all this when I was conned. Words of wisdom.:thumbsup:
     
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  5. tigerlil

    tigerlil Moderator Staff Member

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    Thank you Wallah i am sure this thread will be a great help and comfort for many...you are a Gem xx
     
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  6. sunshinesly

    sunshinesly "starke Frau"

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    so true =(...THANKS...
     
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  7. zanylady

    zanylady Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely an amazing post Allah. Would just like to add. If your relationship gives you more heartache than pleasure it's time to stop chasing the dragon. I think a lot of relationships are built on trying to re-capture those first heady days where everything was wonderful, and that is all they are moments and we spend so much time trying to get those moments back. This is how we operate with all our relationships LDr or closer to home. . What we need to repeat to ourselvies as often as is needed.
    He takes what I have to give
    . He gets away with as much as I let him.
    What does he really do for me.? It's not long before the answer is staring us in the face. !!
     
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  8. zanylady

    zanylady Well-Known Member

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    Sorry Wallah ! This predictive text will be the death of me. xxx
     
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  9. mezoo

    mezoo The Decider

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    nice post, wallah..... :)
     
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  10. Amber

    Amber oo la la ;)

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    Thank you Wallah! :)This is an amazing post , very helpful , very well written ,you have covered it all so well . It should be a permanent "reminder" on the front page of TLR's site !
     
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  11. crystal

    crystal The Punchy Scot

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    s who criticize his behaviour. They are like jackals moving in to take advantage of the weak. This is there strong game..which will confuse the issue.. they are ju
    Good lord for not being taken in by a rat..you certainly have them to a tea... might I emphasise also Don’t accept offers of support or friendship from his friends keeping you sweet and playing for time...in effect they are shittting themselves and need to know the info you have...best thing is tell them nothing none of them..they will play you..for the rat....with him telling them what to say...the deviousness of them are unbelievable and how low they will stoop.
    Just remember they did not pick us cause we are stupid and weak..they picked us cause we are successful have money and are able to be strong enough t o survive a LDR and get them here and also support them at he same time...weak woman could not do that... Never believe you are nobody cause you are decent..
     
  12. marilyna

    marilyna Chocolate Connoisseur

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    Can you make this thread a sticky?
     
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  13. Cheeky Girl

    Cheeky Girl A lil bit naughty

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    Do remember that only a decent, honest, trusting person would be taken in by this wickedness in the first place, because you judge people mainly by your own standards. If you assumed he was telling the truth, it's because you are honest. If you believed he loved you, it's because you loved him, warts and all. If you believed he would act with honour, it is because you are honourable.

    Therefore, no matter how you are feeling right now, you are the winner. Because you have all the good, decent qualities in life that are worth having. He, on the other hand, is a low, despicable creature, who will ultimately pay the price.

    There is always a reckoning - sooner or later we take the consequences of our actions. He should tremble for the time when he has to take his.

    And always remember, you are loved, and lovely. And will be loved again.
     
  14. roxy

    roxy Well-Known Member

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    Amazing post!!

    I had therapy after my experience and every single thing you mentioned was a process of my recovery.

    xxxx
     
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  15. tigerlil

    tigerlil Moderator Staff Member

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    I did can you see it as a sticky??
     
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  16. marilyna

    marilyna Chocolate Connoisseur

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    Can see it at the top of the rat on a rat section, because you were last to respond, but it does not say sticky next to it. Will have another look now.
     
  17. marilyna

    marilyna Chocolate Connoisseur

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    Yes, looks fine to me, thanks.
     
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  18. crystal

    crystal The Punchy Scot

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    This site is the best therapy... you cant beat being told that others have had the same experience and that you ain't a crazy silly person,stupid,idiotic, your judgement was based on what your heart felt..nobody needs therapy for doing what they thought was the right thing.. anyone and on here many lovely well rounded successful lovely woman from all walks of cultures nationalities,rich,poor, to my mind responded in a normal way and i don't believe stupid way..we us woman showed empathy kindness acceptance,we accepted richer or poorer.we stuck by and tried our best to make our relationship works. that makes us strong and what never ceases to amaze me is...that us women survive..we pick up the pieces and become stronger,we gather our families up and we move on..i am proud of us survivors and who we are. the rats are nobodies they if in our position would not last a day...Jesus Christ.....the first post is exactly on the money ..could not have described them better and the recovery advise better myself..
     
  19. jaejae01

    jaejae01 Member

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    Hi, how
     
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  20. tigerlil

    tigerlil Moderator Staff Member

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    survivor.jpg Posted on behalf of Wallah
     
  21. wallah

    wallah Well-Known Member

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    Thanks TL -- and to all you ladies out there, NEVER forget the above words. If your on TLRs and ditched the vermin -- you are a true SURVIVOR!!!!
     
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  22. Beansontoast

    Beansontoast Moderator Staff Member

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    Well done Wallah!
     
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  23. Beansontoast

    Beansontoast Moderator Staff Member

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    one complaint though........................strategy
     
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  24. Galadriel

    Galadriel Globe Trotter Extraordinaire

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    And the obvious but seems it has to be said - leaving the scene as soon as any signs of violence, your post is almost complete I think Wallah.
     
  25. wallah

    wallah Well-Known Member

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    Oooooops!! senior moment!! x
     
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