Possible Coping Strategies - by Wallah

MH007

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This is a post that has helped many many survivors and potential victims and people going through the initial rat phases, it was written by a very dear member a few years ago and I wanted to remind everyone going through the pain and potential torture to read this:

I have never been the victim of a love rat - and at 70 and happily married, I am not likely to be. However, having lived in a tourist area of Tunisia for a total of 6years, I have been in a prime position to see these Love Rats at work on a daily basis – and I have also been in a prime position to see the horrendous damage caused by these cruel, heartless and immoral individuals. Last night I got to thinking about possible coping strategies and came up with this list. I guess that other forum members can add to this.
COPING STRATEGY
Don’t disbelieve what’s happened – accept it – I know that it seems unbelievable, but it really did happen.
Don’t feel that you’re the only victim. It is quite possible that there were women before you, also possible that there were women at the same time and there will definitely be more women afterwards
Don’t compare his behavior with normal feelings - how could he etc? He could because he can and unlike the majority of humanity, has no moral conscience.
Don’t think about the ‘relationship that you thought you had – it was never there. You gave your own, but he simply used you as a means to an end.
Don’t think that he did love you – accept that he never did – and sadly, he may not even have liked you. You were simply a commodity to be used to gain money, visa, sex etc
Don’t make excuses for him. He did what he did in a cold calculated deliberate way with no regards what-so-ever for you or your feelings
Don’t replay all those good times – they weren’t. It was all a charade – an act necessary to achieve his targets.
Don’t take it personally. This time it was you, but could quite well have been another woman. You as a person didn’t actually come into the equation.
Don’t blame yourself. You were a victim. As a decent person you assumed that he was also a decent person
Don’t feel guilty – he won’t. It’s not your fault that you were duped – conned. He was the perpetrator and you rightly believed the situation to be genuine.
Don’t be ashamed – these men are professional at manipulating women. You are not a fool. You are not a mug. It has happened to thousands of women, because they are decent individuals.
Don’t ask ‘’how could he do such a thing, he knows how unhappy/sad/depressed I had been recently?’’ The fact that you were vulnerable made you more attractive as a victim – easier to manipulate.
Don’t try to analyse the situation – you’ll never make sense of it. Decent people will never be able to understand how any other human being can be so unfeeling and immoral.
Don’t seek for the things that you did wrong – could have done better. Nothing that you could have said or done will have resulted in him treating you in an acceptable way. That is not how they work.
Don’t dream about the ‘if only it were true’ scenario – it never was and never would be. That is not their aim. Generally the Tunisian female fits into the happy ever after category.
Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of other future women/relationships. They would and will be there and you’ll never change that.
Don’t be tempted by second chances. If he has done it once, he will do it again, but the second time you will be a softer target. You will literally give him the go-ahead to continue.
Don’t add up all the money you invested in the relationship – console yourself with what you can do with your spare cash now.
Don’t think of getting the money back – you won’t – ever.
Don’t give in to blackmail – let him do his worst – post his videos etc. Your friends – the people who matter - will be there for you
Don’t tolerate threats against you and or your loved ones. Try to record if possible and inform the police.
Don’t believe his threats of the ‘Tunisian Mafia’ that all live in England and will go to ‘sort your family out’. They don’t exist and if they did and they would no doubt be too busy with their own scams.
Don’t believe that his family loved you and welcomed you and your children. If they appeared to it was because they also saw you as a target for money/visa.
Don’t show that you are hurt, devastated, if in contact with him or mutual friends. If you do he will see this as a sign of weakness and move in again for the kill.
Don’t listen to any messages from his family, friends, colleagues etc. Irrespective of what they say, they will be securely on his side.
Don’t accept offers of support or friendship from his friends who criticize his behaviour. They are like jackals moving in to take advantage of the weak.
Don’t hate him – this will only poison your future. He’s not worth that – he’s a total nothing – of no consequence.
Don’t think that the next one will be better – there’s every likely hood that he won’t
Don’t keep wishing ‘if only’. It happened and you survived – treat it as an education.

Get a little stronger every day
Get angry
Get professional help – Doctor counselling etc
Value yourself
Block! Delete! Ignore!
Don’t leave TLRs – keep reading – the support is there. It will get better.
Do I come across as a bitter and cynical woman? Possibly so – I have seen enough to make me one!! All best wishes x

Such an amazing post by an amazing lady :love:

MH x
 

yougogirl75

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Nov 28, 2017
Messages
225
I don't pretend to be a highly upright or moral person, but the fact that I can keep it altogether without the aid of drugs, alcohol is amazing. The rat I had had alcoholic binges it seemed it was not enough to go out for coffee with his friends that's when he had some brain cells still left but to drink himself into a stupor to dull his conscience was his doing way before I came along. I don't get much support with family as this one yet he could not handle any issues as life went along unless it was through drinking on a daily basis, the money was always there for this one to do as he pleased through the years. I am one of those women who facing challenges alone would rather work on it than forget it, because I want to last many more years to see my sons and family grow up. I used to beat myself up at times thinking I was the problem or at least that was what the rat wanted me to think, this rat had an issue with himself way before I came along. So what problems happen when the rat is addicted to porn, alcohol and drugs? The brain cells slowly die, the liver rots, heart issues not to mention the mental destruction of themselves and those around him etc., yet he would be the first to throw a stone at me and no one says anything in that family, as far as they are concerned I was guilty anyways without looking at the facts only based on what he says happened nothing else needed just his opinion. Fabricated lies, smoke and mirrors that's all that is needed to launch a big smear campaign on me. That was done to me and still is being done to me, no apologies except a few apologies through messenger because he has so much PRIDE to apologize because to do that publicly would mean he is not a GOOD man and he cannot have that ever! But he has pride enough to ask for money or help from a woman! No remorse on his side, the lies continue from afar still to this day.

This rat complained about me day in and day out about what I did not do, never mind the hundreds of things I did do and I just sit here and think you know how I was good hearted and kind and yet after some months passed how soon they forget that! I wasted my time and efforts for that I will take the blame for, for being naive but have you ever seen a rat like him say publicly or in front of family that " I am sorry or I am the one who should take the blame" instead it was scapegoating talking about me being blamed for him taking money from his sister and brother for a time I should have come for the wedding (my Father died at the time and then I had suffered from an accident shortly after), he also blamed me for not having the right paperwork for marriage and yet its his country and his laws not mine. Canada is far away, it cost money to hop on two planes which take 2 days to get there, it requires a lot of planning on my part and yet I might as well have not gone for all the trouble it cost me yet it did not phase him all the work I did to make that happen so it was all about HIM and what HE WANTED. Sadly none of his cyber romances could have done it or wanted to do it but he still compared me to the likes of the cyber flings he had.
All my rat did was think of how he looks like from the outside yet in reality you have to fix yourself from the inside first makes sense because if your mental and physical health is broken how can you function as a normal person. Funny how religious and upright the rats say they are and ironic how the first to blame would be those who loved and supported them the most. To this day halfway around the world is a different mentality no one can understand and for the record i never made him pick up any of those addictions he had them way before he knew me, he was no victim of circumstances, he is just a coward who could not face life's issues. And for the record I think I did a fabulous job raising my family maybe not perfect but I stayed the course, survived and I am never giving in to his or anyone else's negative opinion about me.
 
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