Possible Coping Strategies - by Wallah

MH007

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Joined
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Messages
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This is a post that has helped many many survivors and potential victims and people going through the initial rat phases, it was written by a very dear member a few years ago and I wanted to remind everyone going through the pain and potential torture to read this:

I have never been the victim of a love rat - and at 70 and happily married, I am not likely to be. However, having lived in a tourist area of Tunisia for a total of 6years, I have been in a prime position to see these Love Rats at work on a daily basis – and I have also been in a prime position to see the horrendous damage caused by these cruel, heartless and immoral individuals. Last night I got to thinking about possible coping strategies and came up with this list. I guess that other forum members can add to this.
COPING STRATEGY
Don’t disbelieve what’s happened – accept it – I know that it seems unbelievable, but it really did happen.
Don’t feel that you’re the only victim. It is quite possible that there were women before you, also possible that there were women at the same time and there will definitely be more women afterwards
Don’t compare his behavior with normal feelings - how could he etc? He could because he can and unlike the majority of humanity, has no moral conscience.
Don’t think about the ‘relationship that you thought you had – it was never there. You gave your own, but he simply used you as a means to an end.
Don’t think that he did love you – accept that he never did – and sadly, he may not even have liked you. You were simply a commodity to be used to gain money, visa, sex etc
Don’t make excuses for him. He did what he did in a cold calculated deliberate way with no regards what-so-ever for you or your feelings
Don’t replay all those good times – they weren’t. It was all a charade – an act necessary to achieve his targets.
Don’t take it personally. This time it was you, but could quite well have been another woman. You as a person didn’t actually come into the equation.
Don’t blame yourself. You were a victim. As a decent person you assumed that he was also a decent person
Don’t feel guilty – he won’t. It’s not your fault that you were duped – conned. He was the perpetrator and you rightly believed the situation to be genuine.
Don’t be ashamed – these men are professional at manipulating women. You are not a fool. You are not a mug. It has happened to thousands of women, because they are decent individuals.
Don’t ask ‘’how could he do such a thing, he knows how unhappy/sad/depressed I had been recently?’’ The fact that you were vulnerable made you more attractive as a victim – easier to manipulate.
Don’t try to analyse the situation – you’ll never make sense of it. Decent people will never be able to understand how any other human being can be so unfeeling and immoral.
Don’t seek for the things that you did wrong – could have done better. Nothing that you could have said or done will have resulted in him treating you in an acceptable way. That is not how they work.
Don’t dream about the ‘if only it were true’ scenario – it never was and never would be. That is not their aim. Generally the Tunisian female fits into the happy ever after category.
Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of other future women/relationships. They would and will be there and you’ll never change that.
Don’t be tempted by second chances. If he has done it once, he will do it again, but the second time you will be a softer target. You will literally give him the go-ahead to continue.
Don’t add up all the money you invested in the relationship – console yourself with what you can do with your spare cash now.
Don’t think of getting the money back – you won’t – ever.
Don’t give in to blackmail – let him do his worst – post his videos etc. Your friends – the people who matter - will be there for you
Don’t tolerate threats against you and or your loved ones. Try to record if possible and inform the police.
Don’t believe his threats of the ‘Tunisian Mafia’ that all live in England and will go to ‘sort your family out’. They don’t exist and if they did and they would no doubt be too busy with their own scams.
Don’t believe that his family loved you and welcomed you and your children. If they appeared to it was because they also saw you as a target for money/visa.
Don’t show that you are hurt, devastated, if in contact with him or mutual friends. If you do he will see this as a sign of weakness and move in again for the kill.
Don’t listen to any messages from his family, friends, colleagues etc. Irrespective of what they say, they will be securely on his side.
Don’t accept offers of support or friendship from his friends who criticize his behaviour. They are like jackals moving in to take advantage of the weak.
Don’t hate him – this will only poison your future. He’s not worth that – he’s a total nothing – of no consequence.
Don’t think that the next one will be better – there’s every likely hood that he won’t
Don’t keep wishing ‘if only’. It happened and you survived – treat it as an education.

Get a little stronger every day
Get angry
Get professional help – Doctor counselling etc
Value yourself
Block! Delete! Ignore!
Don’t leave TLRs – keep reading – the support is there. It will get better.
Do I come across as a bitter and cynical woman? Possibly so – I have seen enough to make me one!! All best wishes x

Such an amazing post by an amazing lady :love:

MH x
 

yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
I don't pretend to be a highly upright or moral person, but the fact that I can keep it altogether without the aid of drugs, alcohol is amazing. The rat I had had alcoholic binges it seemed it was not enough to go out for coffee with his friends that's when he had some brain cells still left but to drink himself into a stupor to dull his conscience was his doing way before I came along. I don't get much support with family as this one yet he could not handle any issues as life went along unless it was through drinking on a daily basis, the money was always there for this one to do as he pleased through the years. I am one of those women who facing challenges alone would rather work on it than forget it, because I want to last many more years to see my sons and family grow up. I used to beat myself up at times thinking I was the problem or at least that was what the rat wanted me to think, this rat had an issue with himself way before I came along. So what problems happen when the rat is addicted to porn, alcohol and drugs? The brain cells slowly die, the liver rots, heart issues not to mention the mental destruction of themselves and those around him etc., yet he would be the first to throw a stone at me and no one says anything in that family, as far as they are concerned I was guilty anyways without looking at the facts only based on what he says happened nothing else needed just his opinion. Fabricated lies, smoke and mirrors that's all that is needed to launch a big smear campaign on me. That was done to me and still is being done to me, no apologies except a few apologies through messenger because he has so much PRIDE to apologize because to do that publicly would mean he is not a GOOD man and he cannot have that ever! But he has pride enough to ask for money or help from a woman! No remorse on his side, the lies continue from afar still to this day.

This rat complained about me day in and day out about what I did not do, never mind the hundreds of things I did do and I just sit here and think you know how I was good hearted and kind and yet after some months passed how soon they forget that! I wasted my time and efforts for that I will take the blame for, for being naive but have you ever seen a rat like him say publicly or in front of family that " I am sorry or I am the one who should take the blame" instead it was scapegoating talking about me being blamed for him taking money from his sister and brother for a time I should have come for the wedding (my Father died at the time and then I had suffered from an accident shortly after), he also blamed me for not having the right paperwork for marriage and yet its his country and his laws not mine. Canada is far away, it cost money to hop on two planes which take 2 days to get there, it requires a lot of planning on my part and yet I might as well have not gone for all the trouble it cost me yet it did not phase him all the work I did to make that happen so it was all about HIM and what HE WANTED. Sadly none of his cyber romances could have done it or wanted to do it but he still compared me to the likes of the cyber flings he had.
All my rat did was think of how he looks like from the outside yet in reality you have to fix yourself from the inside first makes sense because if your mental and physical health is broken how can you function as a normal person. Funny how religious and upright the rats say they are and ironic how the first to blame would be those who loved and supported them the most. To this day halfway around the world is a different mentality no one can understand and for the record i never made him pick up any of those addictions he had them way before he knew me, he was no victim of circumstances, he is just a coward who could not face life's issues. And for the record I think I did a fabulous job raising my family maybe not perfect but I stayed the course, survived and I am never giving in to his or anyone else's negative opinion about me.
 
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yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
This is a post that has helped many many survivors and potential victims and people going through the initial rat phases, it was written by a very dear member a few years ago and I wanted to remind everyone going through the pain and potential torture to read this:

I have never been the victim of a love rat - and at 70 and happily married, I am not likely to be. However, having lived in a tourist area of Tunisia for a total of 6years, I have been in a prime position to see these Love Rats at work on a daily basis – and I have also been in a prime position to see the horrendous damage caused by these cruel, heartless and immoral individuals. Last night I got to thinking about possible coping strategies and came up with this list. I guess that other forum members can add to this.
COPING STRATEGY
Don’t disbelieve what’s happened – accept it – I know that it seems unbelievable, but it really did happen.
Don’t feel that you’re the only victim. It is quite possible that there were women before you, also possible that there were women at the same time and there will definitely be more women afterwards
Don’t compare his behavior with normal feelings - how could he etc? He could because he can and unlike the majority of humanity, has no moral conscience.
Don’t think about the ‘relationship that you thought you had – it was never there. You gave your own, but he simply used you as a means to an end.
Don’t think that he did love you – accept that he never did – and sadly, he may not even have liked you. You were simply a commodity to be used to gain money, visa, sex etc
Don’t make excuses for him. He did what he did in a cold calculated deliberate way with no regards what-so-ever for you or your feelings
Don’t replay all those good times – they weren’t. It was all a charade – an act necessary to achieve his targets.
Don’t take it personally. This time it was you, but could quite well have been another woman. You as a person didn’t actually come into the equation.
Don’t blame yourself. You were a victim. As a decent person you assumed that he was also a decent person
Don’t feel guilty – he won’t. It’s not your fault that you were duped – conned. He was the perpetrator and you rightly believed the situation to be genuine.
Don’t be ashamed – these men are professional at manipulating women. You are not a fool. You are not a mug. It has happened to thousands of women, because they are decent individuals.
Don’t ask ‘’how could he do such a thing, he knows how unhappy/sad/depressed I had been recently?’’ The fact that you were vulnerable made you more attractive as a victim – easier to manipulate.
Don’t try to analyse the situation – you’ll never make sense of it. Decent people will never be able to understand how any other human being can be so unfeeling and immoral.
Don’t seek for the things that you did wrong – could have done better. Nothing that you could have said or done will have resulted in him treating you in an acceptable way. That is not how they work.
Don’t dream about the ‘if only it were true’ scenario – it never was and never would be. That is not their aim. Generally the Tunisian female fits into the happy ever after category.
Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of other future women/relationships. They would and will be there and you’ll never change that.
Don’t be tempted by second chances. If he has done it once, he will do it again, but the second time you will be a softer target. You will literally give him the go-ahead to continue.
Don’t add up all the money you invested in the relationship – console yourself with what you can do with your spare cash now.
Don’t think of getting the money back – you won’t – ever.
Don’t give in to blackmail – let him do his worst – post his videos etc. Your friends – the people who matter - will be there for you
Don’t tolerate threats against you and or your loved ones. Try to record if possible and inform the police.
Don’t believe his threats of the ‘Tunisian Mafia’ that all live in England and will go to ‘sort your family out’. They don’t exist and if they did and they would no doubt be too busy with their own scams.
Don’t believe that his family loved you and welcomed you and your children. If they appeared to it was because they also saw you as a target for money/visa.
Don’t show that you are hurt, devastated, if in contact with him or mutual friends. If you do he will see this as a sign of weakness and move in again for the kill.
Don’t listen to any messages from his family, friends, colleagues etc. Irrespective of what they say, they will be securely on his side.
Don’t accept offers of support or friendship from his friends who criticize his behaviour. They are like jackals moving in to take advantage of the weak.
Don’t hate him – this will only poison your future. He’s not worth that – he’s a total nothing – of no consequence.
Don’t think that the next one will be better – there’s every likely hood that he won’t
Don’t keep wishing ‘if only’. It happened and you survived – treat it as an education.

Get a little stronger every day
Get angry
Get professional help – Doctor counselling etc
Value yourself
Block! Delete! Ignore!
Don’t leave TLRs – keep reading – the support is there. It will get better.
Do I come across as a bitter and cynical woman? Possibly so – I have seen enough to make me one!! All best wishes x

Such an amazing post by an amazing lady :love:

MH x
Yesterday I got a message from his brother's best friend, I know this one from long ago. I just ignore it most likely done to just
provoke me. Even to the end these rats have to get revenge, never mind what they did to deserve to have a woman leave them. It has been silent for a long time and you get these random people bothering you, what else can I do but block and delete. They never get tired until they find a victim and that's when they leave you alone until that victim catches on then it starts again.
 

MH007

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Oct 4, 2013
Messages
2,772
Yesterday I got a message from his brother's best friend, I know this one from long ago. I just ignore it most likely done to just
provoke me. Even to the end these rats have to get revenge, never mind what they did to deserve to have a woman leave them. It has been silent for a long time and you get these random people bothering you, what else can I do but block and delete. They never get tired until they find a victim and that's when they leave you alone until that victim catches on then it starts again.
Great that you block and delete them - they just keep on coming out the wood work.

Well done you :thumbsup:

MH x
 

Femme Fatale

Inactive
Joined
Mar 31, 2018
Messages
1,559
Yesterday I got a message from his brother's best friend, I know this one from long ago. I just ignore it most likely done to just
provoke me. Even to the end these rats have to get revenge, never mind what they did to deserve to have a woman leave them. It has been silent for a long time and you get these random people bothering you, what else can I do but block and delete. They never get tired until they find a victim and that's when they leave you alone until that victim catches on then it starts again.
You just have to keep blocking, ignoring and deleting. I posted a song I like on my facebook 3 days ago and my friends told me to keep it public so they could share. No harm in that right, it was just a YouTube link.

My rat decided he would take it a step further and post the lyrics to that very country sound that I posted a day later. Something so simple, they will do to get a reaction.

I have 8 tattoos, sleeves on both arms, all very nice tattoos. But my tattoos all have a meaning. Guess what, my rat kept my tattoo as his profile photo for so long. I was angry at first, but after not getting my reaction, he deleted his entire profile all together.

No reaction and blocking. Hope this helps.
 

yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
You just have to keep blocking, ignoring and deleting. I posted a song I like on my facebook 3 days ago and my friends told me to keep it public so they could share. No harm in that right, it was just a YouTube link.

My rat decided he would take it a step further and post the lyrics to that very country sound that I posted a day later. Something so simple, they will do to get a reaction.

I have 8 tattoos, sleeves on both arms, all very nice tattoos. But my tattoos all have a meaning. Guess what, my rat kept my tattoo as his profile photo for so long. I was angry at first, but after not getting my reaction, he deleted his entire profile all together.

No reaction and blocking. Hope this helps.
I have been tricked before and it was him behind the profile, so I know not to answer and then he uses that as ammunition later on. Well he loves using ENTRAPMENT, not giving him the satisfaction. Maybe he was given this person's password etc. from this person to play mind games or to get the latest scoop in my life and NO that is not happening.. Not very smart of him at all I can smell a stinky rat in the works. I don't care what he thinks, just saying to think that I am that gullible to fall for it is laughable. You know what I put on my social media profile that I am widow because in a sense that is what I am, because the relationship is as dead as a doorknob :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D his status is divorced, married, single on others and complicated on his tagged.com, yeah that is the only truth he ever told that it is complicated because he made his life that way so he can lie in it oh its so funny on him actually.
 
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yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
Does anybody else recognize how this correlates with other cyberstalking cases out there?
Having multiple accounts is what sexual predators use to stalk young girls, there are many recent cases of how one man masterminded many usernames and the authorities found he was all one in the same. The same sextortion is illegal here in Canada, extorting someone for nude pics or else they will tell their family and friends etc. As I have proved with the one page of just his facebook profiles and also not knowing the magnitude of his tagged.com accounts as well and any others that he could easily hide behind. Facebook is taking it seriously but not seriously enough. As for tagged.com a person could be any number of people one has to be really careful. Only God knows what other social profiles he has and utilizing for using women and men. I notice in a couple of facebook profiles he has many young women friends I am talking teenagers and teenage boys, what does a 46 year old want with that????They should have a system where everything that comes from IP address should just have one or two profiles not many like this. Anyways I am not in his life and glady since he does all of this that's only one major part of why I left him! To me it is criminal but he just gets by I don't know maybe he does only what the law will barely let him get away with.
 
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MH007

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Oct 4, 2013
Messages
2,772
Does anybody else recognize how this correlates with other cyberstalking cases out there?
Having multiple accounts is what sexual predators use to stalk young girls, there are many recent cases of how one man masterminded many usernames and the authorities found he was all one in the same. As I have proved with the one page of just his facebook profiles and also not knowing the magnitude of his tagged.com accounts as well and any others that he could easily hide behind. Facebook is taking seriously but not seriously enough. As for tagged.com a person could be any number of people one has to be really careful. Only God knows what other social profiles he has and utilizing for using women and men. I notice in a couple of facebook profiles he has many young women friends I am talking teenagers and teenage boys, what does a 46 year old want with that????They should have a system where everything that comes from IP address should just have one or two profiles not many like this. Anyways I am not in his life and glady since he does all of this that's only one major part of why I left him! To me it is criminal but he just gets by I don't know maybe he does only what the law will barely let him get away with.
I struggle with the tagged.com as it has such a bad reputation - I understand that nowadays it's the norm to use dating sites but there are plenty of reputable ones. Not that I'm saying any of them are safe but so many horror stories about this particular one :(

MH x
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
5,035
I never searched if my rat was on dating sites :| just by finding the many fb accounts he had made me sick. Proof enough it isn’t a normal pattern.
Brings too much anxiety to think how easy is to be targeted by people with bad intentions.
 

yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
I never searched if my rat was on dating sites :| just by finding the many fb accounts he had made me sick. Proof enough it isn’t a normal pattern.
Brings too much anxiety to think how easy is to be targeted by people with bad intentions.
This rat I knew was not normal just looks normal until you connect the dots. This rat had purely bad intentions, maybe you could also call it evil to some extent. I am so happy that Facebook only allows him to keep his names until 6 months and then he is going to change them again. I am the one following the paper trail this one left behind. His logic was that if I blocked him he would make another and another , and those he made before he knew me were for just games, I call bullcrap on that one. See even if I did block him to stop him from bothering me, does not justify all the nasty messages I got its a form of abuse and it got really old.
 

yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
Too bad there couldn't be a limit to how many profiles one can make on social media platforms.
Yes, I suggest they do it by IP address, I don't know how he gets to change his location from Tunis to Montreal and on some to Caracas when he is not physically there. I experimented with that once to see if I could do that and it did not work for me.
Another issue is he is using other women and men's photos some models, some celebrities and he is getting away with major copyright violations but hey why should Tagged.com care. He has been doing the same on facebook.com, some of called him out on tagged as a scammer in one profile he had because they could see it was a well known model with my first name and the initial of my last name. He loves mimicking his ex's names or some form of it really a sick individual.
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
5,035
This rat I knew was not normal just looks normal until you connect the dots. This rat had purely bad intentions, maybe you could also call it evil to some extent. I am so happy that Facebook only allows him to keep his names until 6 months and then he is going to change them again. I am the one following the paper trail this one left behind. His logic was that if I blocked him he would make another and another , and those he made before he knew me were for just games, I call bullcrap on that one. See even if I did block him to stop him from bothering me, does not justify all the nasty messages I got its a form of abuse and it got really old.
Was the same with mine, he blocked me or deactivated the main account at the silent treatment period then open a new one and blocked me from it before I could find. But I changed phone I had only his number as contact and then all got linked. Plus when I blocked him in one of his many dramas he started to send me messages even from this accounts he had ”deleted”. Bottom line they are snakes.
 

yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
Was the same with mine, he blocked me or deactivated the main account at the silent treatment period then open a new one and blocked me from it before I could find. But I changed phone I had only his number as contact and then all got linked. Plus when I blocked him in one of his many dramas he started to send me messages even from this accounts he had ”deleted”. Bottom line they are snakes.
If tagged.com or Facebook ever purge their systems one day half of tagged.com would be empty of my rats profiles and facebook would be more transparent and safer.
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
5,035
He loves mimicking his ex's names or some form of it really a sick individual.
I opened a thread about this subject “identity theft and blackmail” believe it or not it is also frequent they do this to try to drag your contacts to their new profile, they look for many ways to cause harm. Solution is to warn all family members and friends a dangerous person is stalking.
 

Megane

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 27, 2016
Messages
178
I struggle with the tagged.com as it has such a bad reputation - I understand that nowadays it's the norm to use dating sites but there are plenty of reputable ones. Not that I'm saying any of them are safe but so many horror stories about this particular one :(

MH x
There are a lot of foreign scammers on plenty of fish using stolen photos. I seem to be a magnet for them this does mean though that I'm good at spotting them
 

yougogirl75

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
266
I opened a thread about this subject “identity theft and blackmail” believe it or not it is also frequent they do this to try to drag your contacts to their new profile, they look for many ways to cause harm. Solution is to warn all family members and friends a dangerous person is stalking.
yes he did that to me as well, he is also using suggestive pics to also bolster his claims that I am a controlling, jealous and vindictive woman and sadly many of his followers agree. but what do I care they all know what he really is anyways. These family and friends are just part of the plan they always were to get the victim to think she is part of the family and then after that the rats nasty side comes out. So I can't do anything about the pics or his portrayal of me but I am at a distance and in control of my own life and that's something he could never do.
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
5,035
yes he did that to me as well, he is also using suggestive pics to also bolster his claims that I am a controlling, jealous and vindictive woman and sadly many of his followers agree. but what do I care they all know what he really is anyways. These family and friends are just part of the plan they always were to get the victim to think she is part of the family and then after that the rats nasty side comes out. So I can't do anything about the pics or his portrayal of me but I am at a distance and in control of my own life and that's something he could never do.
The rat did the same to me and to his ex. Posting public insults and he had foreign women loving his comments supporting him and others that asked him to stop and removed him from their contact list.
All this has the purpose of making us feel confused, harmed, helpless and finally ill.
 

Brasilgirl

Senior Rat Expert
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
2,830
Yes, I suggest they do it by IP address, I don't know how he gets to change his location from Tunis to Montreal and on some to Caracas when he is not physically there. I experimented with that once to see if I could do that and it did not work for me.
Another issue is he is using other women and men's photos some models, some celebrities and he is getting away with major copyright violations but hey why should Tagged.com care. He has been doing the same on facebook.com, some of called him out on tagged as a scammer in one profile he had because they could see it was a well known model with my first name and the initial of my last name. He loves mimicking his ex's names or some form of it really a sick individual.
They can’t really use IP address as your up changes all the time. You may be on your computer then your phone or tablet at different locations.
He may be using a vpn which will give him an address from which ever place he sets up to pass through before going on the Internet. Facebook can only see your IP and device ID that your device is telling that it has at the time you open the app.
Just about anything on facebook can be manipulated. Social media is full of embellishments, lies, and fake people. That’s just my observation.
 
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