Psychological tips

Discussion in 'The Cat's Coffee House' started by Liona, Jul 25, 2017.

  1. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Just want to post in the separate thread videos Heidi has put in our site.:) They are so great.
     
  2. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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  3. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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  4. princeb

    princeb Active Member

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    Thank youuuuuuuuuuu
     
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  5. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Princeb, here you are.:) Have not seen you for ages.
     
  6. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    Why The Narcissist Rat Won't Divorce You :Evil:

     
  7. princeb

    princeb Active Member

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    sorry for my english ...i have long time i not Open TLR but i find your Video
    ( 10 Mistakes That Make People Use You ) is interesting and useful
    and i will come back again in TLR For Help who need Translation .........
     
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  8. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    Why Narcissists (Rats) Disappear (Hint: It's not just the silent treatment) :cool:

     
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  9. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Arghhhhh, can't get it to play....and I wanna watch! I feel a toddler tantrum coming on :Evil::D:D
     
  10. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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  11. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    NARCISSISTIC AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

    NARCISSISTIC AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
    Providing Information And Support

    [​IMG]
    RED FLAGS OF TOXIC PEOPLE
    RED FLAGS OF TOXIC PEOPLE
    June 3, 2017 Admin Comments 15 Comments


    RED FLAGS OF TOXIC PEOPLE


    Not all toxic people are narcissists but we still need to keep these people at arm’s length and not be drawn into their toxicity.



    There are often red flags that we should never ignore which can tell us a lot about a person. How many times do we see something at the start of a relationship and ignore it thinking it was a ‘one off?’ By the time we see the next one, we’ve almost forgotten about the first! Please keep them logged in your head. One or two instances may not indicate that someone is truly toxic but when these little red flags are waved in front of you time and time again, they become a massive warning sign of a treacherous path ahead.



    1. This person makes you feel on edge. You can’t really put your finger on the reason but you’ve no doubt there’s something not quite right.
    2. They are rude or talk down to the waiter.
    3. They get too close far too soon. Love doesn’t normally work that way. It takes time for bonds to form and love to grow.
    4. They are charming to the point of being beyond the realms of normality. Trust that old saying, ‘If something appears too good to be true, it probably is.’
    5. They tell you of how their previous partners cheated, lied, were crazy etc. They play the victim and have got you feeling sorry for them. It wasn’t their fault. Yes, you’ve got it… They are the common denominator. They are likely to be the one with the problem.
    6. They have a short supply of genuine friends. Friends don’t usually hang around toxic people for lengthy periods of time.
    7. You do most of the talking. They do the listening, figuring you out, knowing your likes and dislikes so they can pretend to be the person you want them to be. However, once the relationship is established, they switch to talking about themselves which of course is a much more interesting subject!
    8. They criticise your friends and family hoping to create the division that will eventually lead to your isolation from everyone you once held dear.
    9. Although critical of others, they can’t stand a taste of their own medicine, being extremely sensitive to any form of criticism.
    10. You find yourself being compared to ex friends, ex partners and family.
    11. They rarely have anything good to say about anyone.
    12. You feel you have to walk on eggshells around this person.
    13. They demand most of your time.
    14. They hate to be alone. They need people to provide them with their much needed narcissistic supply. Perhaps being alone allows too much time for self – reflection.
    15. They don’t respect your boundaries.
    16. They use passive aggressive behaviour, such as the cold shoulder, stonewalling and the silent treatment for some perceived slight.
    17. They have an uncontrollable rage / anger.
    18. Pathological lying. They lie even when there’s absolutely no need to and truth would be a better option.
    19. They never accept responsibility for their faults or accept blame for anything untoward. Nothing is ever their fault.
    20. This person causes chaos where there was once peace and calm. (Divide and conquer).
    21. They lack morals yet expects yours to be high.
    22. They insult you and if you are offended, they tell you that you’re being much too sensitive.
    23. They suggest what you should wear, how you should do your hair… Once again, this is all about control.
    24. They show their true colours to you whilst maintaining their ‘charm’ to the outside world.
    25. They lack empathy and are either unable or unwilling to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.
    26. They are constantly seeking compliments.
    27. This person has a grandiose view of themselves. However, underneath their grandiosity, may lie a low self-esteem.
    28. They think that they have the ability to know what you are thinking. Only you know that.
    29. They are envious of others’ possessions and / or accomplishments.
    30. They like to be the centre of attention, expecting your praise for minor achievements; expecting their needs to be met, after all, they are much more important than yours.
    31. This person is a serial flirter.
    32. They show no remorse.
    33. If they treat you badly, you must have done something to deserve it!
    34. They have a strong sense of entitlement.
    35. They are jealous of close relationships that you may have.
    36. This person possesses the most fragile of egos.
    37. They acts like they are above the law, rules don’t apply to them.
    38. They rarely apologise, and if they do, it’s either insincere or in their best interests to do so.
    39. They believe they can only be understood by high achieving important people, like themselves.
    40. They are in good form one minute and in bad form the next.
    41. They hold grudges / hatred for a lifetime against those who they believe have wronged them in some way.
    42. They are preoccupied with their image, always wanting to look good in front of others.
    43. They don’t express genuine emotion.
    In order to preserve your health and your sanity, keep your distance from toxic people and their flying monkeys as far as humanly possible. There are generally two sides to every story. There is the truth and then there is the toxic person’s version. Their version rarely comes close when it comes to the truth and their flying monkeys or enablers pass judgement without listening to both sides of the story. Be patient. No one can hide from the truth for ever.


    Written by
    Anne McCrea
     
  12. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Like Salma so much:).
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2017
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  13. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Holy cow....I could have written this myself! I was that girl, full of laughter and fun, singing, dancing, full of joy for life, finding the good in everyone and everything....and then I met a narcissist. I looked upon it as a lesson, a way to help others and develop myself...this article kinda freaked me out :eek: I'm sure many of us can relate to it!
    [​IMG]
    NAVIGATE


    Home»Health»To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Narcissistic Man
    [​IMG]
    To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Narcissistic Man
    9
    BY JAMES MERRITT ON NOVEMBER 2, 2017HEALTH, LOVE, RELATIONSHIP
    ShareTweet

    Have you ever entered a relationship convinced that the script of you guys meeting each other was written in heaven? Have you ever so deeply loved a person that you were confident that you would never love anyone that way – ever again? Well that was precisely what happened to me.

    But as you can tell from the topic, it wasn’t meant to be, and my romantic dreams were dashed for good. By the time I had left the relationship, I was nothing like my former self. The world was all grey and shadows. Love and happiness were no longer what I believed in; it was just like those fairy tales that my parents would tell me when I was a kid.

    I was awash with sadness loneliness and depression. I would find it hard to stay in charge and control of my life. Of course, I spent many weeks with terrible thoughts and titillated pillows.

    The grief and pain took so long to heal that at one point I began to believe that I would never be able to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. Not to mention never being emotionally strong enough to love again. To me, love was as distant from my thoughts as the stars from the earth.

    But of course, from my introduction, you can tell that it wasn’t all doom and gloom at the beginning. I was such a happy girl who loved to live life. I was the smiling type who always saw the positive in all the negative problems I had, and for the things that were going well for me, I was always grateful.



    But all that came to a screeching halt, when I met this narcissist. I went from seeing the world as bright bold and colorful to seeing gray and sadness everywhere. My relaxed and balanced emotional self-became a wreck of anxiety and depression. Before I would always go to bed, hoping to wake up later in the morning with joy, but that wasn’t the case anymore. I would go to bed tired and sad, and then dread the thought of a new day. I became a mere shadow of myself.

    At first, I was ashamed that I let myself be used and abused by him. I would spend long nights and many weeks beating myself for being such a fool. It was one thing to know that he was a narcissist and there was no changing him but it was another thing to know that and still let myself be tortured by his emotionally draining antics. It gave me sleepless nights for weeks. I knew better but I refused to do better, and that regret kept stinging me, and its poison helped keep me intoxicated with self-doubt, low self-esteem, and negativity.

    I trusted him

    As naive as I was back then, I trusted him without a shadow of doubt, he was into me just as I was into him. Sometimes I even felt that he was even bigger and believe you me that I saw all the social signs you could ask of to show someone was trustworthy. He was smooth with his tricks. But then tricks are tricks, and no matter how good they are, they don’t last. So I would completely trust him on delivering on his promise, but that never happened. He would instead break my heart again and again.



    He made me feel safe.

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    At first, I was shocked at his level of commitment to the relationship, he would always be there for me in the times of need, and he would even go the extra mile to make sure that I was okay. At that point in time, I felt like he was my Superman. With him, I felt completely safe and then it progressed from me being safe and complaisant to relying on him. But I didn’t know I was walking into a trap. This was what he wanted all this while. He wanted me to trust him enough to let my guard down. Then he went into attack mode. With all my defenses down, he could and would attack me knowing that I was defenseless and vulnerable at this point.

    I loved him.

    Yes, I wholeheartedly loved him and I paid the price for that. I had ignored one of the very few red flags that showed up as we dated. At some point, I had found out that before I met him, he left a lot of broken relationships in his wake. Instead, I loved him with every fiber of my being. But it was to be a mistake with my choice of emotional, physical, psychological, and financial investment. He was a man who didn’t know what love was. But I stuck by him hoping that he could be changed. In fact, he convinced me to believe that he did want to change, but with him, it was all smokes and mirrors. I finally had to learn the hard way; narcissists can’t be taught how to love. It isn’t a part of his nature and thus will never understand what it means to be in love with someone.

    I gave all that was in me to someone who would never understand nor appreciate what it means to do that. He was just going to gobble it and ungratefully ask for more.



    He made me a prisoner of my love.

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    I got stuck in my complete obsession to love him. I was a day dreamer, and I believed in love. I had always had a positive outlook towards humanity, and I was also a believer in having a soulmate. When I met him, I taught that I had my other half, my soulmate. So when all these issues began to pop up in my relationship, I stuck with him. Thinking that all would be fine and that I just needed to try harder. But after frantic denials, I had to accept the fact that I had made a bad decision. He wasn’t a friend and him being a soulmate was a ridiculous stretch.

    He was such a negative person too. He would know me enough to trigger my buttons and then taunt me concerning my insecurities. He would make fun of me and yet scold me for being way too sensitive. Day by day his sly but acidic criticism would wear on my self-esteem until I hardly saw any value in myself. He was good at emphasizing on my weaknesses and brushed aside my strengths. Yet I would go crawling back to him, in my naive mind, I believed that I was fighting for the right cause and that at the end I would be rewarded for my struggle with a solid relationship – poor me! I just hadn’t realized it yet, but I had become a narcissist’s fool.



    I lost myself to a narcissistic person…

    [​IMG]

    With time I became a mere shadow of my former self. A strong, happy and confident girl slowly faded into a weak, depressed and anxiety-ridden girl. All I saw around me was negativity. I soon began to believe all that he said and insinuated. I started to believe that I was worthless and I wasn’t deserving of love and affection. Every time I let him have his way, he would say one thing and then do another. He would always make sure that everything about the relationship was all about him and that I didn’t matter. I let him manipulate and deceive me into doing things that I wouldn’t have done if I were in my right mind. But I did them, and that was sad.

    But I found myself again.



    I went through the worst of circumstances for someone who didn’t even love me back. I did all the growing up I need to do to make the relationship work – remember that I loved this person, but all the changes and improvements were one-sided and yet he jeered me for not being good enough for him. I had given everything of me and more. It is an understatement to say that the relationship was bad. I would love to say that nothing good came out of that relationship but I wouldn’t be justice to the truth of the matter. Nothing happens without you learning something new from it. You could glean wisdom from the worst of circumstances that come your way. And if you choose to find in that wisdom of life lesson, you move on from that crisis a stronger, wiser and better human being.

    It doesn’t mean that I immediately came out of it great. Yes, I went through long depressing moments and for a very long time I felt like I was a wreck. But because I never gave up on finding my former self, he didn’t continue to torment me psychologically. I vehemently refused to stay a wreck because that also meant that he had won at the end, that he would forever control me and whatever fate I had laying in front of me.



    So I fought to keep my tattered being together as the winds of life blew strongly all around me. Second after second and minute after minute, I worked on taking one step at a time. I was determined that I would make it out of the rubble that was once my life and personality before the storm. Stone by stone I began to rebuild my life. I would build back my self-confidence and become a far better person than I was before I was in this relationship.

    He had hurt me so much that I had decided that I was done. I couldn’t take it anymore. He had to leave my life for good.

    So too the way he treated me, I started believing that I wasn’t deserving of true love. But with time and a conscious consistent effort to become better I realized that I was force feed a terrible lie. He was the one that wasn’t deserving of all the love I showered in him. It was as if I would putting all of my treasured emotions into an abyss.

    Some of it has duplicated, my sleep deprived me messed up the copying, but you'll get the drift :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2017
  14. juicyfruit

    juicyfruit Well-Known Member

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  15. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    How to Stop Victim Blaming | Decoded | MTV :)

     
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  16. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Quite an interesting read.
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-4...social&ns_campaign=bbcnews&ns_source=facebook
    I especially like this line:
    "From my experience it's not true that it is vulnerable or insecure women who are susceptible to gaslighting."

    And this law....it should be global!
    "Some tactics of gaslighting, including isolating the victim from sources of support and depriving them of means needed for independence, could fall under the "Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship" section of the Serious Crime Act of 2015, in England and Wales."

    @Judithlyn, you will benefit from reading this next quote and taking it to heart. It's what Abdelhak Rahali did between you and N! He poisoned you against each other so that neither of you would contact the other:

    "Another tactic Greg used was to discredit other women. Some were women Paula had never met - the women he was cheating on her with. Others were Paula's own friends.

    From my experience it's not true that it is vulnerable or insecure women who are susceptible to gaslighting - these were successful women
    "I'd construct narratives where these other women, the ones who could reveal my behaviour, were women who couldn't be trusted, where they were liars.

    "And despite Paula's better judgement, despite saying she was a feminist, she would then trust me and take a dislike to women whose version she would now no longer believe, even if she did meet them and found out they weren't these terrible human beings I made them out to be.

    "I was isolating her from those who would tell her the truth."
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
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  17. juicyfruit

    juicyfruit Well-Known Member

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    deja vu from the past :Cry::(:sick:
     
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  18. Judithlyn

    Judithlyn Well-Known Member

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    Yep, I tried being nice to N! I wrote her several times! She or
    he blocked me from Facebook contact with her. She had another app. I contacted her on it many times. She ignored me every time and I was very nice! I think we were poisoned against each other! We could have gotten to the truth together if she would have only spoken to me but she never did, not even a bad comment! According to him, she got angry at him for cheating on her once with me but somehow forgave him and kept their relationship going! I have no idea how or why! I wish I had known about her! I would have happily given him to her but I just did not know!!!
     
  19. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    None of us know, nor will we ever know, what lies he fed her to explain your existence. The only thing guaranteed is that he told neither of you the truth.
    Yes, you were. And this is why:
    He could not have you pair communicating with each other, comparing dates, places etc.....it would have cost him everything.
    Forget every word he fed you....none of it was true. He is a prostitute and a con man.....honesty could not figure in his game.
    You did know about her. You knew she existed, but like the rest of us....you believed the word of a rat.
    He deserved neither of you, rather than 'giving him' to anybody, you'd have been better off conspiring against him together as a united front.
    You are doing a great job of exposing him now, but it's important to remember that N was as innocent as you were.
     
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  20. Judithlyn

    Judithlyn Well-Known Member

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    Unlike him, I’m truly sad that she is dead. I feel very bad for her! Her life in the last 3 years of it must have been absolute hell! He was living with me! I saw some of her posts on another app. She would claim to be missing him! I just did not see them until long after she was dead!
     
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  21. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back

     
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  22. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Spot on!!!
     
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  23. Judithlyn

    Judithlyn Well-Known Member

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    Wow.....I needed that! Thank you!
     
  24. Judithlyn

    Judithlyn Well-Known Member

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    I just watched some of these videos again! Today, I don’t know why...maybe because I’m off, maybe because I’m snow in so just stay indoors, but I’m really really sad, crying, and feeling so rotten! I blocked him in every way last week! I wrote one long, final farewell letter! When the app acknowledged that he read it, I blocked that final mode of contact too! I’m still in shock that he lived such a double life with me...even living together and we were together 24/7! Isn’t that amazing that he could keep other relationships going...right under my nose? He’s good....really really good! Experienced so well so he’s a top master at this bezness, cheating, hurting women garbage! I have found 13 other women in his past! I never contacted any of them, except N who refused to talk to me! She was in denial and truly loved him too! I hope he never gets another woman’s love in his life and ends up alone, destitute, and in someway remorsefulfir his life which has been nothing but agony and pain to numerous women! That’s so bad! Abdelhak Rahali uses, abuses, and has zero conscience! I know he has new victims now! God help each of you! You WILL get burned, hurt, and destroyed if you let him control you to that depth! He’s so patient....he will stay with you for years and years to take from you, but he will have hundreds of others who he is also taking from! He’s such a smooth operator! I’m wise, worldly, Street-smart, and yet, he still was able to con me and I fell for him hard! He’s the best con artist that I have ever come across! I thought that i am too tough to ever be fooled! Look at me now....heart-broken, crying often, and absolutely miserable! I guess he won yet again! Karma is after him! Nobody can just keep hurting, and destroying people, and yet come out as winners! I just have one wish...I want to see him topple!
     
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  25. Madam Medusa

    Madam Medusa Well-Known Member

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    Dear Judithlyn,
    Rest assured that the days will come slowly but surely when you think about him less and less until the Beautiful day dawns that you forget to remember him . If you were not a good kind warm and generous loving person you would not have been lured into his despicable deception .
    As a survivor I wish you all the strength to battle your demons.
    Just feel how nice warm and cozy you are in your own beautiful home while the renta rat is still scurrying about in the gutters
    One love, one aim, one destiny.
    Joy and happiness .
    Sending you love from across the waters.
     

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