Psychological tips

Discussion in 'The Cat's Coffee House' started by Liona, Jul 25, 2017.

  1. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Holy moly, if this ain't the perfect description of life with a rat!!!! :eek:
    Every time I read these things, it's like reading my life story with him :eek:

    The Narcissist and Jealousy
    Written by Alexander Burgemeester · 22 Comments


    “A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.”~ The New Oxford Dictionary of English

    [​IMG]Some people think that narcissists are plagued by the “green-eyed monster”, yet others would say that narcissists ARE the green-eyed monster. They are jealous of anyone who has more resources than they do (such as status, power, beauty, money, success, etc). At the same time, they also have a strong belief that other people are jealous of them. Excessive levels of jealousy and envy are characteristic traits of narcissism. People often use the terms jealousy and envy as synonyms, however, there is a distinction between the two.

    Definitions of Jealousy and Envy
    Jealousy refers to a fear of losing something we have to another person.

    Envy refers to wishing we had something that another person has.

    Narcissists take jealousy and envy to the extreme, resulting in pathological jealousy and pathological envy. Applying these emotional states to a love relationship, we see the difference:

    • A jealous individual may fear their partner leaving them for another mate or committing an act of infidelity
    • An envious individual may feel ‘left out’ or resentful because their partner feels good about themselves, has great friends or a satisfying job.
    When these emotional states become pathological, then delusion and irrational behavior sets in– and the results can be devastating.

    Pathological Jealousy
    ‘Pathological jealousy’ is a totally different story than jealousy. This form of jealousy indicates that the individual believes he has exclusive ownership over another and that this ownership is necessary for him to maintain the relationship.

    Pathological jealousy shatters an otherwise loving relationship piece by piece. Trust, intimacy and connection are destroyed. Pathological jealousy can be extremely dangerous, leading to significant abuse and often violence. It’s the most treacherous aspect of abusive relationships, frequently leading to the devastation of the victim mentally, emotionally, physically, and frequently financially.

    Pathological jealousy is truly narcissistic. The most frightening and frustrating part of pathological jealousy is that the narcissist cannot be appeased or reassured. Pathologically jealous individuals are hyper-vigilant, always on the lookout for reasons to be jealous.

    Signs of Pathological Jealousy
    • Accusations of looking at other men
    • Eye contact with a man is considered flirtation
    • Accusations of giving attention to other men
    • Accusations of being uncaring or “appearing single” if not granting enough body contact or attention in public
    • Interrogation of behavior
    • Interrogation of phone calls and all other forms of communication
    • Reading diary, going through belongings
    • Incessant questioning: where you were, who you were with, etc.
    • Demanding reports of any males in your company
    • Isolating, not allowing you to socialize on your own
    • Threatening ‘t*t for tat’ retaliations if you pursue own interests
    • Taking your car keys and money
    • Hiding makeup, damaging clothes,
    • Interrogating and accusing if home late
    • Laying stipulations and conditions in regards to contact with males
    • Checking up on you
    • Accusations of affairs when pulling away or attempting escape from the abuse
    • Accusations of affair when libido suffers as a result of the abuse
    • Not being able to be reassured
    • Not trusting you
    • Verbal and physical violence triggered by jealousy, blaming other men for jealous behavior
    • Blaming you for jealous behavior
    • Always an excuse for jealous behavior
    • Denying jealous behavior (except when hitting ‘rock bottom)
    • Gaslighting techniques trying to confuse your trust in self; Gaslighting techniques trying to prove there is reason to be jealous.
    Pathological Envy
    Pathological envy is extremely painful for the narcissist and devastating for the love recipient. It isn’t as obvious as pathological jealousy, and can be insidious and more difficult to define in a relationship.

    Dr. Sam Vaknin, an expert on narcissism describes pathological envy as “…a compounded emotion. It is brought on by the realisation of some lack, deficiency, or inadequacy in oneself. It is the result of unfavourably comparing oneself to other – to their success, their reputation, their possessions, their luck, and their qualities. It is misery and humiliation and impotent rage and a torturous, slippery path to nowhere. The effort to break the padded walls of this self-visited purgatory often leads to attacks on the perceived source of frustration.

    If you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic individual, the relationship dynamics will feel like a ‘me versus you’ battle with an enemy. A large source of this dynamic is pathological envy. Pathological envy is a very intense and destructive emotion, resulting from strong emotional insecurities and feelings of low self-worth.

    Signs of Pathological Envy
    • Being uncomfortable / moody when you’re given praise or attention
    • If not the centre of attention he/she discredits the experience or leaves the scene
    • Discredits your ideas, interests, friendships
    • Depression if you’re happy and energized
    • Depression if you’re successful
    • Creating arguments if you’re successful
    • Prescribing what is or isn’t right for your life
    • Intense anger when not consulted
    • Intense anger when not utilized for projects yet depression / moodiness when inputting energy that may assist your project
    • Undermining your reputation
    • Undermining your interests
    • Undermining your work
    • Undermining your friendships
    • Using gaslighting or abuse to undermine your self-esteem
    • Projecting: declaring you’re the person doing the undermining or discrediting to yourself and them.
    Reactions to Envy
    Narcissists must be superior to others in every single way. So when someone else has a resource that they don’t have, but want– admiration, status, skills, money, etc.–the narcissist sees it as a significant threat. Like so much else in the narcissistic mind, it is unconscious, discounted and denied, which makes it more treacherous for the object of his envy. Sandy Hotchkiss, author of Why Is It Always about You, says, “To admit to envy would be to acknowledge inferiority, which no good narcissist would ever do.”

    So what does a narcissist do? He will try to take credit for the other person’s good fortune (“my son must get that great quality from me”) or he:

    • Feels contempt for those he envies and puts them down vehemently–sometimes to their face, sometimes not. This restores his vision of the world where he’s always on top.
    • Can’t share in the other person’s happiness, which disappoints others or make them doubt themselves. Narcissists even envy others when they are the center of attention for a sad reason (death of a loved one, illness) and will not support them in their time of crisis.
    • Fantasizes about his own success
    • Indulges in self-soothing activity (gambling, drinking, sex, etc.) to ward off feelings of imperfection and shame.
    References:
    http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistjealous.html

    http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/jealousy-pathological.htm

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-definition-narcisistic-personality-disorder
     
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  2. juicyfruit

    juicyfruit Well-Known Member

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    :Cry:Sounds exactly like my ex-husband...This creep still walks this earth:(....People like this aren't birthed...they are spawned...:mad:
     
  3. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    It's just EXACTLY like Houssem too!
    All of it, the jealousy, the false accusations, making me walk looking at the ground to avoid eye contact, taking every male off my friends list (after demanding a thorough explanation as to who these men were in my life), cutting me off from everybody, controlling what I wore, who I was with and demanding selfies as proof if I was in England, taking away my means of escape: internet devices, passport, bank card etc.....it was a mental life! Thank feck we all got away from these fruit cakes.
     
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  4. juicyfruit

    juicyfruit Well-Known Member

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    :Cry:your life was like reliving mine...:Cry:but we live to tell the tale....:thumbsup: I believe I have saved myself from jumping from the frying pan into the fire.:oops:we got saved to save others...:)
     
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  5. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Yesterday have seen this. I like.
     
  6. Laura2014

    Laura2014 Well-Known Member

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    I like it too. Well spotted and very empowering. Shit happens but there is usually a way to fixit. Dig deep.
     
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  7. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Another massively long read, but one really worth having, if you have a bit of free time to process the information. I currently have a sun baked head, so had to read it twice. It's good for new survivors...as it really pushes the message through that it was not a fault with them...but a fault with the narcissist.


    "Narcissists will degrade their victims, rip apart their self-esteem, and basically erase their personalities! In turn this will basically blind you and make resistance to their control strategies difficult and impossible to detect. This is what psychological abuse does distorts OR diverts your reality. They use tactics such as sarcasm, belittling, cruel and constant criticizing, bullying, name calling, berating, excessive blaming, gas-lighting, screaming, raging, threatening, humiliation AND dehumanization. Over time, the constant verbal and emotional attacks weaken the target/victim and erode their sense of self confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem while it enables the Narcissist to feel more powerful and, hence, more and more in control over your reality and life. It is the constant managing down that breaks your spirit completely. You are not experiencing a relationship you are experiencing a reactionary connection with them where you are STUCK constantly explaining and defending yourself in an attempt to return to those days that you were affirmed and loved by this creature. There was no love because that was just another manipulation to gain your trust to make you vulnerable to the Narcissist’s abuse!

    The Narcissist plays on your vulnerabilities, fear, guilt, compassion, and values to get what they want. They have gained your trust by making you believe they loved you. This could include threats to end the relationship, silencing or a “cold shoulder,” punishment or other fear tactics. A Narcissist believes and projects an attitude of being omnipotent or all powerful but basically they are really trying to conquer their targets/victims. They need to be in control of others and must have everything their way or they will resort to threats or any other methods to achieve total submission in people. Eventually, the target/victim loses the battle and becomes a prisoner to the Narcissist and the abuse. Just imagine the number of years a target/victim is subjected to this hideous brain-washing and the resulting damage!

    Your mind is always trying to process this duality that exists because unlike the Narcissist you possess empathy – you love them and believe in them but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this as you try to sort through it and make this relationship cohesive again. How can the person you love and vice versa have changed so drastically? They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it YET. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this person and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.) How do you avoid this when love is the reality that you are hanging onto? You do this with education and knowledge to understand that you are dealing with a personality disordered person that will no change nor do they want to change.

    Narcissists intentionally promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their targets/victims by making impervious threats and using intimidation, bullying, and lies. This unfortunately can cause the victim to submit to the unreasonable demands or pathological bullying by the Narcissist. The Narcissist will also isolate their target/victim to deprive them of any outside support which further reduces their ability to resist and give into their disordered demands as the victim’s reality is distorted. The Narcissist will keep the target/victim unaware of what is happening perhaps by taking complete control of the finances, making plans that are unknown to the victim, tell lies about them to others, being distant, withholding feelings, etc. This strategy leads to the target/victim becoming totally dependent on the Narcissist for validation and information because of the isolation. That information will of course be distorted and damaging to the target/victim.

    The Narcissist will insist upon controlling their partner’s time as well as their physical environment to try to curb their NORMAL or natural behavior, reality, and feelings of independence or better yet their individuality. They may even insist on their partner, friend, or family member on giving up certain hobbies, social engagements or even work-related activities further isolating them. They may also insist that their partner move in with them or away with them to a new location which AGAIN further isolates the victim from their family or friends. Abusers may convince the target/victim that aspects of the target/victim’s character or behavior is totally wrong or they have issues, which takes the focus off what the Narcissist is doing or diversion. Using isolation of the target/victim, the Narcissist can then control what type of information, stimuli, and reality the victim has access to. They will triangulate to place wedges between you and close family members or friends pitting you against each other with lies attached to familiarity that they have accessed by knowing you.

    Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the target/victim unsettled and anxious. This behavior leaves the target/victim feeling like they are always on edge and a slave to the Narcissist’s many moods. Targets/victims are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and can never know what is expected. Targets/victims remain hypersensitive or hyper vigilant, waiting for the Narcissist’s next rage, mood change or attack! Living like this is extremely confusing, demanding, disabling, and anxiety provoking, causing the target/victim to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance or the ‘walking in eggshells’ or as I call it ‘walking on shards of broken glass.’ These are the distorted messages that find a home in our heart, mind, and reality.

    A Narcissist will deliberately start arguments and be in continual conflict with their present supply to allow the Narcissist freedom to live their ‘out of control’ lifestyle to seek out other supply – this again is basically CONTROL. Narcissists are addicted to chaos and drama since it creates excitement and they draw deluded attention from it (supply is positive or negative attention). They will walk away in silence to drive their point home and further punish you. They are not giving any of it a second thought and are probably off seeking other supply to get their hit because it is like a drug to them. These are very disordered creatures that enjoy inflicting pain on their loved ones to feel some sort of disordered power over them.

    Needless to say, we are human and even though situations like the aforementioned seem too incredulous to be real because we know our own truths, it still has an effect on us. Somehow, we have to deal with the distorted messages and wonder why the Narcissist is attacking us in such serious ways and we question ourselves as if we have some part in all of this. WHY? Because we are normal human beings that strive for consistency and try to work through things and a Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being and does not have these reasoning powers. Over time these levels of craziness find a place deep down inside of us that make us wonder if we ARE crazy OR crazy for hanging on and trying to resolve any of this. I knew that none of chaos and crazy making had anything to do with me because I knew my life and none of this defined my reality, but the constant question of “why would I be attacked so viciously” would keep me in a constant haze as well as overanalyzing the situation trying to end the conflicts. I remember saying to my Narcissist that we needed a miracle, but there was no miracle that could have fixed any of this! The real miracle was when I accepted the truth and was free from this monster – and YES monster is what describes this person.

    You are left with so many conflicting messages that keep you trapped in extreme emotional confusion because this is what the Narcissist wants. By doing this the Narcissist uses us like a yo-yo on a string, constantly forcing you down and then pulling you back up again – perpetual, disordered and dizzying motion to control you and keep you off balance. You don’t have time to clearly think or see the forest for the trees. This is a person that initially proclaimed a real love for you that you invested in AND believed was real. Suddenly that image turns completely around and what was love is now contempt through subtle BUT direct attacks of your integrity to erode our well-being. From there the Narcissist escalates these attacks and they turn into rage, silencing, and punishment to take you completely down and finish the job or the devaluation phase AND then the smear campaign to destroy your integrity.

    People do not intentionally hurt people, as well as take advantage of their love or betray their trust! Narcissists will and do FOR SURE! When someone’s actions are unexplainable and fall outside your normal realm of understanding, belief system or moral code, it is not because you ARE the bad person OR you deserve this behavior, INSTEAD it is because there is ultimately something wrong with THEM. Somehow you have to internalize and encapsulate this message so that you steer away from the tendency to blame yourself as well as to assure that you don’t in turn apply compassion to forgive your abuser for harming or destroying you because this was intentional. This is why it is tricky as far as putting the correct spin on the truth! You must also consider your personal safety at all times!

    Even though you have labeled them as the Narcissist and they more than likely are, YOU are the one having to deal with sorting this out and finding peace with it because they have moved on and left you with all of the distorted and disabling messages. It will take some time to just understand how someone could possibly be so deceitful, and destructive no matter what! I can say that they (the Narcissist) is definitely the one with the problem, BUT the pain doesn’t go away, nor does that erase what you believed was real! This is not a reality that we have past experience with and you have to adjust your belief system to include this now. This is what novels about creatures and monsters are written about that send a shiver up your spine. The fictional horror movies we have watched are now real to us and one of these creatures existed in our personal world. We can’t just close our eyes or pull a blanket over our head to resist seeing them because they are reality now! Accepting that is an insurmountable process and truth we have to travel to get to!

    You will come out of this. You will form new and strong boundaries. You will reflect on your own inner conflicts and resolve them. You will grow with the knowledge that there are bad and even evil people out there that can and will destroy you. You will learn to differentiate the reality of good and bad in life and seek out the goodness in others and return it naturally as it should be. You will find what is important in life and live with an inner peace from knowing this horrid adversity. It is a life changing reality when someone psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind. It is an unnecessary evil but you now realize it existed in your world and you will protect yourself at all costs from returning to this Narcissist or allowing a similar toxic or abusive person into your life. It all starts with no/minimal contact to break the chain around your neck! It also requires that you accept the reality of a Narcissist and NEVER return as in trying to figure them out, understand them, and feel a need to help them or associate with anything that concerns them. Put all of that away so you can put positive energy into yourself and your recovery."

    https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2099711400240394&id=1765207080357496
     
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  8. Judithlyn

    Judithlyn Well-Known Member

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    My God, you just described my situation to a tee! No more, but I lost myself in there somewhere....still trying to find me again! Great read....thanks!
     
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  9. Pancake

    Pancake Member

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    Great watch. Ironic too, in the context of TLR / this topic - the TLR / narcissist / psychopath will never take RESPONSIBILITY, it is always the FAULT of someone else.
    Narcissism and psychpathy lie next to each other - I did quite some reading about the subject at the time... My rat was even diagnosed with psychopathic traits when he was under mental health treatment, in particular his "lack of empathy" was a "major concern". Oh I should have been more alert when that diagnose was made :(.

    The tragedy is that the narcissist/psychopath cannot help that he/she is a narcissist/psychopath. It is a mental disorder. The cause often lies back in early childhood. The narcissist does not harm on purpose, hurting people is not their goal, their goal is their ego in the spotlights, no matter what it takes. They are not even aware of the hurt they bring about,, exactly because of their lack of empathy.
     
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  10. Snuggle

    Snuggle Well-Known Member

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    psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind this made me cry. This is exactly what happened to me. It’s all so confusing I am realizing more and more how blind I have been for years. I am not ready yet to tell my full story. Mine was local and never asked for money or a visa but he loved and still tries to play with my feelings. I do recognize the silent treatment, making you feel stupid and all the rest of his narcissistic behavior.
     
  11. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    Welcome, Snuggle, just read in the forum and take your time ;)
     
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  12. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Hi and welcome, Snuggle.:) It's so important you are able to see the situation clear now. Just keep the control and don't let play with your feelings and your mind.
     
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  13. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Hey Snuggle....welcome to the forum :love:
    You speak out only when you are ready...it's mentally draining re-living that stuff...so build your strength up first.
    You're amongst friends here, we understand :)
     
  14. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    The sooner they bring in laws, whereby we can take this action against harassment from people in third world countries, the better!
    Online harassment is global....punishments need to be global too. I know from my own experiences of harassment, just how badly it does affect your mental health and daily life....made worse by the fact that whilst in their third world dumps, they are protected from consequences for their actions :Evil:

    Woman harassed for 12 years by online date gets damages
    • 1 hour ago

    [​IMG]Image copyrightPA
    Image captionPaul Curran's campaign against Lindsey Goldrick Dean involved creating at least 10 websites about her, including offensive and private information
    A woman who was harassed for 12 years by a man she met through an online dating website is to receive damages.

    Paul Curran's campaign against Lindsey Goldrick Dean involved creating at least 10 websites about her containing offensive and private information.

    The High Court in London heard it had adversely affected her health, relationships and professional career.

    The court also heard Mr Curran had agreed to pay undisclosed damages to Ms Goldrick Dean and her legal costs.

    Ms Goldrick Dean, a former marketing consultant from Somerset, met Mr Curran, director of Curran Consulting Ltd, through a newspaper dating website in 2004.

    Counsel Gervase de Wilde told the court Mr Curran "engaged in a course of conduct" after their relationship ended in February 2005 which amounted to "civil harassment".

    Between March 2005 and August 2017 the company director created at least 10 websites, some of which were named after Ms Goldrick Dean.

    The sites' content caused Ms Goldrick Dean "enormous anxiety, mental distress and embarrassment", the court heard.

    'Glad it's over'
    In 2014, Mr Curran bought a Google banner advertisement which included a photo of Ms Goldrick Dean and a link to one of the websites.

    A year later, he created two Twitter accounts using her name which he used to post messages containing her photo and a website link.

    Mr de Wilde said the campaign - which included emails, telephone calls and posts sent to Ms Goldrick Dean, her family and friends - continued despite her complaining to police on several occasions.

    The police made plans to arrest Mr Curran but found that he was living outside the UK much of the time.

    In a statement Mr Curran, who was not in court, said he did not dispute "the majority" of allegations and apologised to Ms Goldrick Dean.

    After the hearing, Ms Goldrick Dean said she was "so glad it's all over".

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-44770192
     
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  15. Judithlyn

    Judithlyn Well-Known Member

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    That poor lady....12 years! I do hope he has assets to confiscate on her behalf.
     
  16. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    Personally, I would not be interested in his assets. The money from damages, I would donate to a safe house for women and children. I could not bare to have anything in my house that came indirectly from him....and there is a certain irony in giving the damages to such a shelter.

    It is the mental damage for that lady that is the bigger issue here...nobody should go through that.
    I've had the fake accounts set up of myself by rats, my family and friends have also been victims of the incessant harassment.
    Being in Tunisia protected these bastards, as while there....our law can't touch them, they have NO harassment laws. Interpol can visit, but nothing can be done...so this law (which is great) needs to extend further afield, it should be made possible for us to take legal action against these nutters in any country.
     
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  17. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Where is the problem? The police might hear something about an extradition? That idiot has to be put under the confiscation his assets and after put in a madhouse to think about his life.
     
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  18. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    I want you to run my country!! :D
    #LionaforPM
     
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  19. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Come on, love. My country will beat your.:confused:
     
  20. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    You've lost me? :confused: I want you as our British Prime Minister...somebody has to show Theresa May how to do it (she's shit).....and I like your no nonsense attitude :D
     
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  21. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    Blimey, I have got you wrong.:D I am agree.:)
     
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  22. Heidi

    Heidi The Sleuth

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    @Liona, what did you think PM means :D
     
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  23. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    :rolleyes::rolleyes: Just don't laugh at me.:(:( I thought PM meant "private message".:D:D:D I was thinking what should I PM Mango.:confused:
     
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  24. Mango Chutney

    Mango Chutney Well-Known Member

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    I feel really bad....coz I'm laughing....quite a lot!! :D
    Sometimes, language barriers are brilliant :D
     
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  25. Liona

    Liona Well-Known Member

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    If you could see my face when I have been reading you message more than once and thinking about some PM, you would have laugh even more.:D:D:D
     
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