- Dec 9, 2009
I can relate MangoJust read this on a FB group I joined shortly after leaving rat. It’s an interesting read, and helpful for anybody going through the hell that is the recovery process.
Remember, it is not your fault! Where abuse is involved, albeit physical, sexual, mental, financial, spiritual etc......the fault never, ever lies with the victim....
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“You unknowingly lived and loved what can only be described as an abhorrent liar and con artist – but you believed in them completely and spent a great deal of time and energy supporting, nurturing and developing this relationship. So, to start off you are not grieving a relationship that is traditional by any means – you are grieving an abusive and desperate love! Not only are you dealing with a lie, but with a creature that has damaged your life and abused your love – BUT again you BELIEVED in this person that completely destroyed you and probably took your integrity along for the ride. YOU are not at fault for any of this – NOBODY deserves to be lied to, conned, OR abused for any reason.
Now the truth is standing directly in front of you and you must SOMEHOW process this without any experience to do so. Where do you begin and how do you grieve this abusive relationship? You try to approach it like a normal relationship, BUT there is nothing even near normal about it. You have to make sense out of a love you BELIEVED was real, but it was a lie AND it was abuse. The two don’t go hand in hand. You can’t realistically find common ground to separate and actualize these two facts because they are so polar opposite and it feels impossible to work with this because you only end up conflicted.
On top of it all this abuse has left you vulnerable, traumatized and disabled. Today you stand at the bottom of a dark void looking for the smallest ray of light, but you are buried by so many layers of confusion that it feels impossible to do anything but remain there and wait for something or someone to help you or even save you. You can’t apply a traditional grieving process to any of this because you have been managed down from the abuse, you are traumatized and a shell of the person you once were. You are not moving on with a clear perspective and mutual and respectful understanding that the relationship failed, you are moving on from an abusive situation. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT – so start there to get you healthy power back!
Even the people nearest and dearest to you can only console you from their point of view that doesn’t have the smallest connection to understanding this abuse. They don’t even know that you have fallen so deeply into this void. If you would have actually fallen into a hole the first thing you would do is use your voice and cry out for help! This is what you must actualize as the first step to moving forward – your voice is integral in getting a message out to the world that you need help, so you CAN connect to the very people that have experience to help you UNDERSTAND this! You cannot isolate yourself and remain in the fog any longer – this is YOUR time to survive and even thrive in time!
The very next thing that you have to actualize at some point is that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to try to make this love (be it a relationship or family member) real again by returning to it for any reason. You can’t fix the Narcissist that did this to you, relate to them in any manner, and or be in any contact with them anymore UNLESS it is an absolute necessity. You must also get them out of your thoughts as in TRYING to figure this out. Their words (and actions of course) are what abused you in the first place, so they have no sympathy as it concerns your situation because they purposely put you there. YES, this is excruciatingly painful to accept and nearly impossible to believe BUT you have to put yourself in the reality that this person (the Narcissist) is dangerous and you deserve so much more than this.
This is what defines the non-traditional breakup with these creatures. It is not a straightforward recovery, but instead one that requires a strong dose of education as well as a strong arm to pull the target/victim out of darkness and despair with therapy, support and all the help that is available. You are NOT just grieving a relationship, you are grieving so much personal destruction from abuse! No/minimal contact to START this journey.”
*waves, grins maniacally*Oh, and for any of you that lack a hope to see a narcissist “one upped” read how Cluster Bad’s find each other in love. The narcissist actually does have weakness... a big one in the BPD. So, cheer up and don’t despair, there’s a natural partner out there for every a**hole
“In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and literally become a shadow of his former self.
The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to poor self-worth he's endured and tried to compensate for since early childhood. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is.
As the narcissistic male cannot tolerate any loss of control, he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it, never realizing what he's losing/giving up, in terms of his good health or monetary fortune while he's ultra-distracted, and obsessively immersed in surmounting the irresistible, intriguing challenges he faces with a borderline disordered partner.”
Spot on.THE ONE QUALITY A NARCISSIST CAN'T ACCEPT
Because of their need for tight control, narcissists don't like admitting that you have a free will, yet that does not change the truth that you do. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how to sidestep the narcissist's attempts to fit you into a tight mold.