The aftermath ...

paula01

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You certainly pulled me out a few bad moments S...with your witty posts.... thanks xxx....but you always hit it right on the button what they are..made me realize... in effect nobody's... certainly not worth the heartache.... Looking back It makes me feel stupid how I thought he was wonderful..must have been Vodoo....
You were not stupid crystal. They are so good at what they do and so convincing. We all thought that ours was wonderful until we find out all the lies and bullshit. They are the losers in the end as they are not capable of love. They are not worth the heartache and I wonder now, how I managed to stay with mine for so long..
 

paula01

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what i find really hard to get to grips with is my ratty was a practicing muslim, thats what really does my head in and why i cant fully come to terms with the fact that he could be capable of these horrible things.. i mean we did talk about getting a property over there in a few years time, and he was 14 years younger than me, i certainly didnt want anymore children at 45... can you smell a rat??? Im in that state of stupidity i think..:Geek:
Thank god you didnt get a property over there :eek: practicing muslim my arse :mad: still, we are seen as infidels so it does not matter how they treat us . Hypocrites..
 

simple

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You certainly pulled me out a few bad moments S...with your witty posts.... thanks xxx....but you always hit it right on the button what they are..made me realize... in effect nobody's... certainly not worth the heartache.... Looking back It makes me feel stupid how I thought he was wonderful..must have been Vodoo....
Stupid you are not :Not Worthy: Its because we cant comprehend any body that behaves like they do ... Love is the best feeling in the world and we have it and they dont .I will always chose love and humanity ,over money and gadgets .If it didnt hurt ,we would be like them ,if we didnt cry and feel pain ,we would be like them .Your compassion shows with your comments and its not stupidity ,your a brave one ,thats for sure xxxx
 

crystal

The Punchy Scot
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paula01 said:
You were not stupid crystal. They are so good at what they do and so convincing. We all thought that ours was wonderful until we find out all the lies and bullshit. They are the losers in the end as they are not capable of love. They are not worth the heartache and I wonder now, how I managed to stay with mine for so long..
Yes me too... i forgave and forget more times than I care to remember... I was good at being understanding and considerate..and of course it w as difficult for him
:whistle:
 

paula01

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Yes me too... i forgave and forget more times than I care to remember... I was good at being understanding and considerate..and of course it w as difficult for him
:whistle:
Me too.. I made excuses all the time, but you get worn out from the constant giving in thinking it will get better. They are treated like little princes by their mothers and sisters, and expect you to do the same. This makes them spoilt little bastards who only think about themselves. At least now we have peace of mind crystal ;)
 

crystal

The Punchy Scot
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Me too.. I made excuses all the time, but you get worn out from the constant giving in thinking it will get better. They are treated like little princes by their mothers and sisters, and expect you to do the same. This makes them spoilt little bastards who only think about themselves. At least now we have peace of mind crystal ;)
Yes and that is the best... Don't even think of him anymore...and my head is my own...my monies my own...my house is my own...my car is my own.. and my life is pure dead brilliant.....Freedom.....here's to the future..... best of all my bed is my own....which I am gonna jump in to..as working trw... and got nice clean sheets...what could be better... mwaaa!!! night all sleep tightxxxxxxxx
 

Galadriel

Globe Trotter Extraordinaire
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Jan 8, 2011
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I totally agree, and the shame is so hard to handle because work collegues/family dont really understand, they just tutt and say the usual crap like 'oh well what did you expect' with that annoying eye rolling thing that really can piss you off if your feeling fragile. Thats why support groups like this are essential and part of the survival kit, talking openly with someone who has experienced it is half the battle, loneliness is dangerous when youve been bitten by a rat.. :eek:
After attending a discussion group of Feminist Women`s Open Voice about cross cultural relationships, it was suggested that pre-emptive awareness groups should be advertised by local women`s groups on FB etc about cross cultural relationships, culture and traditions in various countries. Please voice your interest at any similiar womens groups in your local vicinty. For the Notts /Derby area this will be at Derby Womens Centre or contact Vox Feminarium on FB.....Let`s all attempt to prevent first of all ! Spread the word.....
 

ExNorway

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Jun 22, 2013
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Very sad to here. I was feeling very bad today, and for a long time the rat experience have made me not wanting to live, but I will survive some how. Its totally destroyed any trust I had in life/humanity/men, and also the trust I had in my own ability to judge and feel. Just feeling sad that persons with no feeling or consioussness can do this and not care ...xxxxxxx
 

CUDDLE

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Jan 3, 2011
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Hi ExN,

Your feelings are normal because you DO have a conscience and capability to truly love another..............The rat does NOT have this capability, so in this we must pity him/her...

You have lost trust in humanity for now......but remember the majority of humankind is NOT like the rats we are dealing with here on this site ....Trust and faith in humanity will take time to restore, but gradually you will see it return to you...

Your judement is NOT impaired, you encountered an alien culture, another human with no thought pattern recognisable to you.....Once we realise that it is not at fault then the healing is easier...

Take all the time you need to repair yourself, look after YOU....there will be good days and there will be bad days, ride out the storm, cos you will come out the other side..

Im sending you a hug xx

Cuddle
 

Laurence

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Nov 8, 2010
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ExN, just be gentle to yourself, after all we are just human and so we do make mistakes in life. And we learn a lot of our mistakes!
Forgive yourself for this mistake, find closure of this story only in yourself (the rat won't help you with that either) and go on with your life. YOU and YOU ALONE are the most important person in your life, nobody else and you are so strong that you don't need any looser taking energy out of your life! Save all your energy for YOURSELF!
Don't feel sad about the past, that's of no use. Look to the future, it's yours!
 

BrownGirl

Moderator And Queen of Summaries
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Very sad to here. I was feeling very bad today, and for a long time the rat experience have made me not wanting to live, but I will survive some how. Its totally destroyed any trust I had in life/humanity/men, and also the trust I had in my own ability to judge and feel. Just feeling sad that persons with no feeling or consioussness can do this and not care ...xxxxxxx

ExN, you will survive and every day you will feel a little less bad than the day before - just think of it like that, one day at a time.
One of the hardest parts of it all for me is the knowledge that my rat continues on as if nothing as happened. His life is unaffected by his actions. What purpose would be served by me not living except to hurt and ruin the lives of the people who actually love and care for me. It certainly would have no impact on the rat. He wouldn't shed any tears.
We can hold our heads up high in the knowledge that we did nothing wrong except fall in love with the wrong person. At least we can feel.
hugs xxx
 

marilyna

Chocolate Connoisseur
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Dec 14, 2010
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I heard a very sad story yesterday, of a lady who took her own life after being hurt by a rat. It made me realise how blessed I am to have good friends, family and the ability to move on and put the whole experience behind me. It hasn't been easy, but I am glad to say I am back to normal, well as normal as I ever was :D (I think our good summer has helped!)

To the ladies who think some of us here are bitter because of our experiences and that they can handle the situation no matter what happens, take note. Until you actually experience it, no one can understand how it feels to discover that you have been conned, lied to, used and abused, until it actually happens to you. It isn't pleasant, no matter how strong you think you are. The shock can have a huge and unexpected impact. That's why some of us get a little frustrated when we can see the probable truth that those blinded by love can't see.

I was at the funeral recently of a young family friend who also took his own life. The priest addressed the huge numbers of people at the service and reminded them that everything passes. Nothing is worth the devastation that a suicide leaves behind.

Everything passes. Even for those who ignore our advice, we will still be here to help pick up the pieces.

BG xx
I am really sorry to hear about both these stories. Sorry for the loss of your friend. I think we are all impacted in different ways,and it can take certain events to trigger this response in our lives. The feelings of pain,loss,helplessness are so great, and some people end up feeling they can't cope. For whatever reason some of us feel life is not worth living, that it would be a relief to be dead. I am a strong believer, in when someone has decided to take their life, there is nothing anyone can do to prevent it. I have not lost anyone to suicide yet, but have worked with people who are suicidal, so understand how they get there.

Good book to read on suicide

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Suicidal-Mind-Edwin-S-Shneidman/dp/0195118014/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376127075&sr=1-1&keywords=the+suicidal+mind+edwin+shneidman
 

Caramel

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Sep 4, 2009
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Thankyou for this post, its so nice to hear that we are not alone. Ive found great comfort talking to women who have experienced this kind of relationship, and when the shit hits the fan it really hurts. Posts here inspire me and give me strength... I so feel for the family of the woman who felt so low that she could see no way out of her pain. Coping for me is a necessity, hopefully in time the pain will pass. Thanks again BrownGirl :thumbsup:xx
We are here for you. Most of us have been through a lot worse than you and are still going through it. I have been for 4 years and hopefully, it will come to an end soon. Cant seem to get on with my life until then.
 

Caramel

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Touching post,BG.


When a relationship ends due to rattery, the repercussions of deceipt are like shockwaves radiating further and further out.
Everything that you knew to be true suddenly becomes fragile and questionable.

Suicide is becoming more prevalent in the case of failed relationships, its the loss, shame and fear of others judging. Desperation results in awful actions. humans get so eroded by the actions of others that they lose sight of themselves and reality.
I had counselling but found that help on TLR was much better for me. When this happens to you, you need to unburden yourself and because you are talking to a virtual person you can be very open and let rip.
 

Caramel

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Humiliation..and being looked at with pity is the worse..
Feeling that you are boring them and they don't really want to hear your moans is another thing. Only those who have been through these situations truly know how you are feeling.
 

Caramel

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I know mine is a ratty, he shows ratty traits and to be honest was a selfish self centred arsehole to live with.. i think all the 'me me me' quotes were dragging me down :oops: I just need to have faith in the decision I have made and stay strong because they have a really nasty way of trying to wriggle back into the comfort zone.. they play with your mind, its crazy but sometimes the only way to start the recovery process is by cutting all contact even though it hurts. How many stages after this one ladies.. :( I hope its bitter and revengeful! :sneaky:
You are already half way there. You are talking a lot of sense about cutting contact altogether. Very good because if you don't, they will wriggle back into your affections and start the hurt cycle all over again. Cutting contact will ease the pain over time. Always remember all the things you hate about him and his character when any signs of weakening start to come into your mind.
 

Caramel

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For me Tigerlilly ,it was laughter .....I learnd to laugh at them ,never to take anything they say seriously ,think of them as morons ,stupid and not worthy of intelligent conversation !
For me, it was revenge, making him suffer and then justice. I want him to lose all he worked so hard to take from me. We all deal with our hurt differently and whatever makes you feel better, I am for it.
 

Caramel

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what i find really hard to get to grips with is my ratty was a practicing muslim, thats what really does my head in and why i cant fully come to terms with the fact that he could be capable of these horrible things.. i mean we did talk about getting a property over there in a few years time, and he was 14 years younger than me, i certainly didnt want anymore children at 45... can you smell a rat??? Im in that state of stupidity i think..:Geek:
You were not stupid. You were kind and believed he was too. He fooled you but you will get the last laugh on him. I feel he has made a mistake leaving the country and also he started showing his true colours before he got his ILR. The government need to look at cases who got their ILR by deception, thousands of people out there suffering after being fooled.
 

Midnight sun

SILLY
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Aug 24, 2012
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For those who have too much pain they feel they are weakened to the point they can't cope any more (and over a long while it can be difficult to bear much pain, so we all get weakened by it in the end), consider taking St. John's Wort. It is a herb that has a great natural antidepressant effect and work wonders when your thoughts go in circles and you are not yourself and can't control how you feel any more and just want out no matter what. This herb will get you up from the bottom and lift you up to the surface without the side effects of "usual" drugs. And if you are "ok", you will not even notice the effect and believe it was nothing (so don't take it if you are unsure). But those who know they need more help, they will know, and notice and will be saved.

PM me if you want to know a reliable place where to get it online.
 

simple

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Nov 1, 2011
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I had counselling but found that help on TLR was much better for me. When this happens to you, you need to unburden yourself and because you are talking to a virtual person you can be very open and let rip.
And i for one will never forget you and a few other ladies on here .Who helped me and took me out of that dark place . I dont view any of you as virtual ,your all real and all of you live in my computer !!!!
 

the nutty professor

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Aug 9, 2012
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More than welcome and we can have lasagna till the cows come home !!! Are you not happy living in a computer ??? We are all like the borrowers ,little people with a wealth of knowledge !!
Tbh its a bit cramped in here with all the empty wine bottles, discarded knickers snd chocolate wrappers.

Im not blaming anyone but browngirl goes on a lot about wine and i think marylou and trishas mum left the knickers. Choc wrappers are mine ;)


Can we have turkey carbonara another night? Its my fave!
 

simple

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Nov 1, 2011
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7,061
Tbh its a bit cramped in here with all the empty wine bottles, discarded knickers snd chocolate wrappers.

Im not blaming anyone but browngirl goes on a lot about wine and i think marylou and trishas mum left the knickers. Choc wrappers are mine ;)


Can we have turkey carbonara another night? Its my fave!
Mrs Nutty ..your obviously the healthiest one of the lot !! ,,cocao BEAN is a veg ,sugar BEETS or sugar CANE .is a plant ,so there fore chocolate is a vegetable and part of your 5 a day !! Those left over knickers and empty bottles are a problem,no room for wheelie bin is there !!
 
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