Why can't I let go ?

rose711

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Jan 19, 2015
Messages
448
I had a tough day today too. It's two weeks since we spoke almost a week since I blocked everything. All I can remember is the nice things which is why I keep hopping in here. I thought about looking to see if he was on Viber today- but was too scared of Rose and Crystal to do it, so went shopping again instead!
The manipulative power of these men makes me so angry.
Because they took over so much of your life, of course you will feel and fear the emptiness. But you can fill that emptiness with people who care about you and your welfare.

When I was very depressed once I volunteered at a program that made dinner and served the homeless. I started becoming focused on the desperate problems of others that it helped me stop focusing on myself. I started to do things like find inexpensive hand wipes and lotion because they can't really keep clean and their hands are dry and cracked. I talked to people who live under bridges in Manhattan. It helped to give me another focus.(Not to minimise what I was feeling or what you are feeling, it made me feel useful and have me some other things to think about. I don't mean that I was comparing my life to theirs, so mine didn't seem so bad, I mean that it helped give me another purpose in life when otherwise I would just be at home watching tv.)

Maybe a volunteer program that doesn't take much time would help you?
 

Lellaji

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2015
Messages
790
Thank you for all your comments and support. Truly there has been little joy in this (virtual) relationship. I know in my head and heart everything you say is true. I still harbour doubts, stupidly that maybe he is different! The situation is a little different but the script reads the same. We will not see each other for a long period now. I want it to just wane and end naturally. My doubts are that so many people like him and say he is a good man. He is very gentle and kind but also normal and funny. He has never done anything awful to me other than be unreliable with contact at most for a few days. But he did try to get money from me when we first met. Once this happened my guard was up and I have doubted him ever since. I never gave it to him. There is the usual stuff about starting a business And I constantly say he is living in a fantasy world if he ever thinks I would borrow money for him to lose in a business. I said if a bank would not take a risk with him why would I. I would never do that. I like him though and would prefer to end as friends. That's why deleting him is so difficult. He has had western girlfriends before and they are still his friends on FB and make nice comments to him. That's why it's so hard to make the final break. Thanks for your patience. It must seem very fickle, but I have to do it at my own pace and when I have no doubts left that he is a rat.
@Laura2014 our situations sound little similar when i see ur story here for first time, thats why im so floored by what's just happened to me but apparently he's been thinking alot and heavy and more on the side of not sticking together. i know i really didnt do anything wrong but it's just the lack of contact and words he used in the end...just complete ditching to side of road like prostitute ok. the way he feels sorry for himself and his situation and the more he kept needing and asking for money and even the money and things i sent without him asking...all the surprises and sweet gestures i had done to reach out and because i loved him NOT FOR PROOF even tho PROOF important for valid relationship my god what would people think of this man had i told my world about him? i wasnt as cautious the first time with moroccan bastard but i hate to say it i gave this man benefit of the doubt and i also believed in him but he didnt believe in me enough to know the true power of my love had he only proved himself. i didnt let go, i wasnt hoping hed go away or fade out of the picture, i dont know how this will end..i dont know if hes' already divorced me or not ok...not fair for me to stay married to someone doesnt want me, after all i had said part of my life goal before its too late is to have a baby, and tho i cant imagine to share that with anyone but him believe me i will find a way to get what i deserve with or without him. i think one day he will regret if he's not already eaten by guilt already, he will regret losing me, no other woman will love him the way i did and even if she had all the money and ease to help him, i had nothing but killed myself to give him all i had , in fact, the last bout of money sent to help his "father' who got arrested (for what ? i still dont know) yeah that money i sent him put me in the red and set me back, now i have not recovered b/c i cared for them than for me, sickened and whoever mentioned all the feelings we feel when we are dumped by our so called spouses or soul mates, they are very intense fcked up feelings and i wish i was callous as him, and cruel, dont think i dont think about texting his sister FUCK YOU ok...this is the LAST time you calling me OK FUCK YOU TOO and dont call me sister either, how dare she use my name sister in same sentence as she cuts me out of her life b/c he said so...HE TOLD HER TO STAY FROM ME and i tell you i was feeling better being away and busy on vacation but now being home and seeing this message from her really seals the deal man...really hurts...i never thought he was this type of character and he lied every word he said he fcking lied for every one
oh i wish you could had seen it all and felt how he made me feel, and then he took that knife and stabbed me right in the back, and worst ..left me to bleed to death...im still fighting very scary negative feelings....im trying to stick around here, im like a big baby, i cant be alone
 

Lellaji

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2015
Messages
790
like many others I can understand how you feel mine left nearly a year ago it still hurts and we are still married although separated. The questions in my head sometimes keep me awake at night although i know he is no good for me, its stupid and torments.
Go while you can at least you never married him its worse as you cant just walk away.
@neela, me 2, married but he left me, go figure, i dont even know how to get divorced from him but honestly i dont want to
 

Lellaji

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2015
Messages
790
I kept putting off leaving mine even though the signs were there.....
In the end, after 2 and a half years he really showed his true colours.
The break in the end was a relief. No more stress, no more worry and no more pressure.
Yes I cried and felt sad for a while - I even wreaked revenge which was satisfying!!
Not long after I met an amazing man.... 3 years later I'm so happy and we're expecting our first baby in November!!!
Make the break and get on with your life! You never know what's waiting for you!!

Xxx
@roxy i hope GOD blesses me the same soon , mabrook on your pregnancy:love:
 

rose711

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Jan 19, 2015
Messages
448
Feeling better while you are away shows that you can feel better. I'm so glad you organised that and went away for a trip. That was a big accomplishment.

You have a lot to live for.

The pain of your dreams ending can be brutal. But it will get better and you can find new dreams.

I know I always say to get counseling but it could help you. Read @roxy story she went to counseling and it helped her.

This is a group called women against abuse.they have a 24 hour hotline you can call to talk to.
This is what they say:

If you would like to speak to a trained counselor about domestic violence, please call the 24/7 Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline (1-866-723-3014) for free, anonymous counseling, safety planning, and referrals.

1.866.723.3014
http://www.womenagainstabuse.org/index.php/our-services/philadelphia-domestic-violence-hotline

You have been cruelly treated. Maybe it's better that you have absolutely no contact with his family.
 

Lellaji

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2015
Messages
790
It's taken me a while, a few months, watching learning, reading, listening. I have finally blocked my boy today. Everywhere, phone, viber, Facebook. It's been the hardest day I can ever remember. I am bereft and need to stay strong, stronger than I have ever been. Bacardi and coke has helped. I need a good long sleep. Have to get through black Wednesday, for some reason we always fell out on Tuesday's and I would go to work on Wednesdays feeling terrible. Finally took back some control, but will need your help. Please. I love this man more than any other I have known but it's not real and it's not good for me. I know that. Some people on here ( you know who you are) have been amazing. Could never have found the strength to do it without you. Honestly I have been so low I thought just ending it all would be less painful but I will stay strong. I will waver, cry and be desperate for contact but will not give in. Counting the days until I feel like my normal happy confident self again. Stick with me please. I so need some help now.
@Laura2014 i am where you are when you wrote this .....for me it's almost one month since he came out of nowhere with a text wanting to end things between us , saying he's done and wanted to meet me in skype..oh its funny you cant meet me in skype any other time but now breaking with me you find it easy to be online...so hurtful even when he mad me mad i barely showed it , i tried understanding every excuse and rationalized to myself things that made no sense, what can i do? i had to trust him...i was resistant to him in beginning and boy how he tried and tried and just layed it on thick n heavy but this last time i saw him, we were together after such a long time and we just were married and i missed him so much i try to get angry but i still miss him and want him but i would rather him go away than keep saying hurtful things or him try to knock it into my skull that we are done, believe me i have had plenty of experience and men in my life, oh yeah some great times and memories but EVERYONE let me down and hurt me EVERYONE from my father to every man i had and husband and even my son.this man was like SAVIOUR to me, you cant imagine how i ADORED him and really believed he was good and all shit what he said now just lies and i feel so betrayed more b/c he was my ROUHI he was my SOUL my RAJLI my husband i married him with open heart again and hope for a life im just bawling here a work again, even the medicine isnt helping since my O5ti had the nerve to write me her final message, i just feel all hope is lost, yaah rabi
 

Lellaji

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2015
Messages
790
Feeling better while you are away shows that you can feel better. I'm so glad you organised that and went away for a trip. That was a big accomplishment.

You have a lot to live for.

The pain of your dreams ending can be brutal. But it will get better and you can find new dreams.

I know I always say to get counseling but it could help you. Read @roxy story she went to counseling and it helped her.

This is a group called women against abuse.they have a 24 hour hotline you can call to talk to.
This is what they say:

If you would like to speak to a trained counselor about domestic violence, please call the 24/7 Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline (1-866-723-3014) for free, anonymous counseling, safety planning, and referrals.

1.866.723.3014
http://www.womenagainstabuse.org/index.php/our-services/philadelphia-domestic-violence-hotline

You have been cruelly treated. Maybe it's better that you have absolutely no contact with his family.
@rose711 yes eventually willl get to counseling. thanks for those resources too. yes it is brutal esp when every dream you had shattered ..i feel worthless and just spent really. im just living for my kids now even i dont get the same feelings or gratification..they will go on and have their own lives , they already spend so much time away from me...anyway i do love to travel and yes i planned that trip months back and i did it for them and for me to bond with them, GOD i put him first in so many ways and then him telling me they will grow up and we need to focus on OUR life together...as if i can just forget my kids or fuck them over again for another foreigner , dont think they forget about my ex moroccan who was their step father too and how they watched him abuse me and cause chaos from the fcking night he arrived in philadelphia...that's another story..but you know i come from strong family genes and we are survivors, even if death seems more appealing now, i wont hurt my kids that way b/c of him, even if i died, he wont know it, he wont care, it's just too late, my revenge will be him finding out that im happier than ever, moved on and having the family i dreamed for, ill be moving on and still doing my thing , taking care of myself and he'll still be there, needing a woman to care for him and get him by and out of his shit life, but i doubt he'll get out now...terrorism so bad now, tunisians in bad light now, dont think i dont know all what goes on in his country and that scares me but it wouldnt keep me from seeing him ...i know i keep going off on tangents, we are getting to know each other and our stories but basically this husband has done me in like no other and i loved unlike any other, he said he'd never leave me, never let me down, he said he couldnt go against his promises in front of GOD.. LMAO
 

rose711

Junior Rat Expert
Joined
Jan 19, 2015
Messages
448
Here is another suicide and crises hotline you can call 24/7 in Philadelphia:

Call THE SUICIDE AND CRISIS INTERVENTION LINE AT 215-686-4420 any time of the day or night, if you have been suffering from any of the following difficulties: depression, feelings of wanting to hurt yourself or others, feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness or that no one cares about you, being under considerable stress, feeling very angry or suffering from some other emotional, mental or substance abuse crisis. A professional person is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to talk with you and to help you with your problems including obtaining necessary services promptly.
 

Laura2014

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Nov 10, 2014
Messages
4,061
@BrownGirl

Would you consider removing my recent post here? I had not realised that Lellaji's posts came straight after. I would hate for people unaware of the tragic circumstances to reply to her.
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
5,035
Thank you for all your comments and support. Truly there has been little joy in this (virtual) relationship. I know in my head and heart everything you say is true. I still harbour doubts, stupidly that maybe he is different! The situation is a little different but the script reads the same. We will not see each other for a long period now. I want it to just wane and end naturally. My doubts are that so many people like him and say he is a good man. He is very gentle and kind but also normal and funny. He has never done anything awful to me other than be unreliable with contact at most for a few days. But he did try to get money from me when we first met. Once this happened my guard was up and I have doubted him ever since. I never gave it to him. There is the usual stuff about starting a business And I constantly say he is living in a fantasy world if he ever thinks I would borrow money for him to lose in a business. I said if a bank would not take a risk with him why would I. I would never do that. I like him though and would prefer to end as friends. That's why deleting him is so difficult. He has had western girlfriends before and they are still his friends on FB and make nice comments to him. That's why it's so hard to make the final break. Thanks for your patience. It must seem very fickle, but I have to do it at my own pace and when I have no doubts left that he is a rat.

Mine too :/ wich makes me feel thankful to keep his threats on screenshots otherwise none would believe what he did to me and the other girl.
 

Judithlyn

Rat Expert
Joined
Jul 11, 2016
Messages
3,195
He is a great guy, truly I'm luckyto have found him. Our love is very strong, and our chemistry, connection, communication, and everything else is so on point. It's perfect. We really are a perfect couple. I just hope our cultural values and morals don't clash and prevent us from a successful marriage
Just curious....3 years later now, do you still feel the same way? Is he still perfect??
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
5,035
I kept a lot of emails in a personal file. I started to document everything, because my mind was being fractured between his good side/bad side game. I also started getting ready with all of my important letters beforehand. They were saved in draft form, just waiting for me to hit the send button. Now, I have everything compiled as an archive. I also kept a sort of document journal, so that I could go back and view, at a safer time, all of my emotions, because I couldn't allow myself to then -- it was too painful. I am actually really shocked that for as bad as it was, that something kicked in and kept a lot in control enough for me to sort of time capsule myself out and still salvage so much afterwards of my life and respect. All of it really was possible from the information gained here. I would have been completely without any strategy or knowing how this guy was going to put the knife in my back -- also, the information here helped reinforce my suspicions, my screaming instincts about the gay sex.

So, yeah. I'm appreciative of a lot of things. What didn't get ruined by abusive/conning circumstance, got broken or destroyed as far as property. The only thing lefts were photos, honestly - and a wedding ring that I gave back to him.
: (
 
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