Why does he hurt me

Laura2014

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I talked to him tonight - but kept it very brief and to the point - my heart breaks at leaving him but hope this way I can do it without a fight , and fade away painlessly .. he may not even notice
Dream on @Galleta, not notice. He’s playing a long game. He won’t give up till you give up. He blocked you for an hour and you went into meltdown, but fatally found him using your fake account. He knows about that one now and knows his tactics made you desperate. You have to change your game now.

The thing is; although you feel you need him like a drug, you don’t. Without him you will still breath, eat, sleep ( badly maybe for a while), Pay your bills, do everything you have always done. If he died, you would survive. The sun would stil come up. But your fear of him not being there is stopping you from giving it a try.

Tell me you have never been just a bit bored by his conversation, or thought he seemed a bit selfish or narrow minded. He’s not your perfect knight in shining armour.

He’s a young, immature Tunisian boy who makes you feel young, attractive and interesting. But he sits in a coffee shop or in his bedroom with his phone in his hand taking great pleasure in the control and power he has over you. In his silly little world he is totally insignificant, he just one of many.

Don’t you dare chase after him again and give him an ounce of power over you. Next time he messaged or calls I dare you not to answer. :thumbsup:
 

Jane

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Dream on @Galleta, not notice. He’s playing a long game. He won’t give up till you give up. He blocked you for an hour and you went into meltdown, but fatally found him using your fake account. He knows about that one now and knows his tactics made you desperate. You have to change your game now.

The thing is; although you feel you need him like a drug, you don’t. Without him you will still breath, eat, sleep ( badly maybe for a while), Pay your bills, do everything you have always done. If he died, you would survive. The sun would stil come up. But your fear of him not being there is stopping you from giving it a try.

Tell me you have never been just a bit bored by his conversation, or thought he seemed a bit selfish or narrow minded. He’s not your perfect knight in shining armour.

He’s a young, immature Tunisian boy who makes you feel young, attractive and interesting. But he sits in a coffee shop or in his bedroom with his phone in his hand taking great pleasure in the control and power he has over you. In his silly little world he is totally insignificant, he just one of many.

Don’t you dare chase after him again and give him an ounce of power over you. Next time he messaged or calls I dare you not to answer. :thumbsup:
My feelings for him are more complex than the fact he makes me feel young and attractive ( although I won’t lie, maybe there’s a bit of that too) . I genuinely feel a connection and care for him so much on a non - physical level - maybe as a son ? I feel so protective over him and genuinely care for him on so many levels that I feel that playing a harder game on him and ignoring him completely will feel very uncomfortable for me and will hurt me as well.

I wonder if there’s some way of making him regret even for a moment the fact that he’s treated me like this and is losing me
 

Laura2014

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My feelings for him are more complex than the fact he makes me feel young and attractive ( although I won’t lie, maybe there’s a bit of that too) . I genuinely feel a connection and care for him so much on a non - physical level - maybe as a son ? I feel so protective over him and genuinely care for him on so many levels that I feel that playing a harder game on him and ignoring him completely will feel very uncomfortable for me and will hurt me as well.

I wonder if there’s some way of making him regret even for a moment the fact that he’s treated me like this and is losing me
You keep making the mistake of thinking this is reciprocal and that you will be missed or he might feel guilt for treating you badly. That he needs you emotionally in the same way you need him. Big mistake.

They feel no guilt, no responsibility and no remorse.

I don’t buy that this is a mother possibly protecting son relationship. Sorry to be brutal, but I think that’s a way you justify it to yourself. Rescuing yes, I get that, but I don’t think you are acknowledging that you have fallen in love with him.
 

Femme Fatale

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My feelings for him are more complex than the fact he makes me feel young and attractive ( although I won’t lie, maybe there’s a bit of that too) . I genuinely feel a connection and care for him so much on a non - physical level - maybe as a son ? I feel so protective over him and genuinely care for him on so many levels that I feel that playing a harder game on him and ignoring him completely will feel very uncomfortable for me and will hurt me as well.

I wonder if there’s some way of making him regret even for a moment the fact that he’s treated me like this and is losing me
This is playing with fire. But you’re an adult.

Let me ask you. Have you prepared yourself for the day he marries his Tunisian bride?? You think the 1 hour block hurt. Can you elaborate on what you’re going to do when he marries and have kids with his wife. Will you be able to deal with that?
 

Jane

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This is playing with fire. But you’re an adult.

Let me ask you. Have you prepared yourself for the day he marries his Tunisian bride?? You think the 1 hour block hurt. Can you elaborate on what you’re going to do when he marries and have kids with his wife. Will you be able to deal with that?
Yes absolutely right which is why I’m starting the weaning process slowly. He does talk to me about him marrying in the next few years and wanting kids etc - and that he will still talk to me ... but you’re right , he will probably not want to and block me then anyway
 

Femme Fatale

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So..you honestly think he wouldn’t miss me A bit if I left? Sorry if I sound so naive but I still feel there must be an ounce of humanity in there?
Not one single ounce. As a matter of fact when he marries her, he is going to make you out to be crazy. He is going to tell everyone how crazy you are and he will convince his wife that you were nothing to him.

Or

His wife may ask him to continue the charades with you to try to extort you for money and gifts. Who knows.


Either way, you’ll be the only damaged one with a broken heart. I’m sorry.
 

Femme Fatale

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Yes absolutely right which is why I’m starting the weaning process slowly. He does talk to me about him marrying in the next few years and wanting kids etc - and that he will still talk to me ... but you’re right , he will probably not want to and block me then anyway


You would really talk to a married man? Serious question.
 

Laura2014

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So..you honestly think he wouldn’t miss me A bit if I left? Sorry if I sound so naive but I still feel there must be an ounce of humanity in there?
Try it and find out.

I could honestly write you the script.

Will he try to find you? Probably
Tell you that he misses you ? Yes
Tell you that you have hurt him made him stressed ? Yes
He will miss the power, the possibility of a reward later on, but read all the posts here. They just say - Next
 

AmberHeart

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etc - and that he will still talk to me ..
Why, to ask you to pay for their pediatrician? Or to cry he is so poor and has many kids to feed? This is not ok.
He will miss the supporter and possible provider, not you as a woman. The moment he speaks to you about his perfect future plans he is invalidating your feelings. Don’t let him do this to you.
 

Beverley

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Hi, i'm sorry you are going through all these mixed emotions right now, i know its very confusing, and its hard to let go, but you have to find some inner strength and try break free from him,if you don't he will break you completely.
I thought id finally got rid of mine before Christmas, i felt strong,i stood my ground even when i was bombarded with every imaginable sob story, he even stooped so low as to tell me he was going blind, i almost fell for them, but knew in my head it was all lies....when i refused to send money, his attitude changed and he called me every name you can imagine and told me he was done with me and i would never hear from him again.... he blocked me for about 2 weeks and i thought great this is going to be the best Christmas ever with all my family, how wrong was I.....
Christmas Eve i received one message after the other from a number i didn't recognise, when i opened the messages it was him he had sent me pictures of him with other woman, even though i didn't want him, it hurt like hell, he knew exactly what he was doing, trying to ruin my family time, trying to make himself the focus of my thoughts, i blocked that number, but it didn't end, it was just the start, i received messages from so many numbers, insulting me, demanding money from me, that he owed them, telling me he was so ill and in hospital and what kind of person was i to let this happen, i was heartless and cold, one of his university lecturers even messaged me saying he owed him over 1,200 and i needed to send it to him immediately or they would hurt him, it was just constant all day, id close my phone at night only to wake up to sometimes 50/60 messages,i couldn't sleep or eat.. i thought i was going crazy.... i knew he was behind it all,i made a big mistake and called him, begging him to just leave me alone, he was making me ill and felt like i was having breakdown,i didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning... in the middle of me telling him all this, if you just send me £700, ill forgive you and everything will be ok, he then started telling me how much he loved me and missed me, and he only sent pics with other women to make me jealous,i felt sick inside.
I feel like i'm never going to be free from him, its a nightmare.
If you can please find a way to break free from him, the longer you leave it the harder it gets, the more hold he will have over you, from what i read he already knows he has you hooked and can control you just by blocking you, i know its hard and hurts, i don't want you to get to the point im at....take care, big hugs
 

Femme Fatale

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Hi, i'm sorry you are going through all these mixed emotions right now, i know its very confusing, and its hard to let go, but you have to find some inner strength and try break free from him,if you don't he will break you completely.
I thought id finally got rid of mine before Christmas, i felt strong,i stood my ground even when i was bombarded with every imaginable sob story, he even stooped so low as to tell me he was going blind, i almost fell for them, but knew in my head it was all lies....when i refused to send money, his attitude changed and he called me every name you can imagine and told me he was done with me and i would never hear from him again.... he blocked me for about 2 weeks and i thought great this is going to be the best Christmas ever with all my family, how wrong was I.....
Christmas Eve i received one message after the other from a number i didn't recognise, when i opened the messages it was him he had sent me pictures of him with other woman, even though i didn't want him, it hurt like hell, he knew exactly what he was doing, trying to ruin my family time, trying to make himself the focus of my thoughts, i blocked that number, but it didn't end, it was just the start, i received messages from so many numbers, insulting me, demanding money from me, that he owed them, telling me he was so ill and in hospital and what kind of person was i to let this happen, i was heartless and cold, one of his university lecturers even messaged me saying he owed him over 1,200 and i needed to send it to him immediately or they would hurt him, it was just constant all day, id close my phone at night only to wake up to sometimes 50/60 messages,i couldn't sleep or eat.. i thought i was going crazy.... i knew he was behind it all,i made a big mistake and called him, begging him to just leave me alone, he was making me ill and felt like i was having breakdown,i didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning... in the middle of me telling him all this, if you just send me £700, ill forgive you and everything will be ok, he then started telling me how much he loved me and missed me, and he only sent pics with other women to make me jealous,i felt sick inside.
I feel like i'm never going to be free from him, its a nightmare.
If you can please find a way to break free from him, the longer you leave it the harder it gets, the more hold he will have over you, from what i read he already knows he has you hooked and can control you just by blocking you, i know its hard and hurts, i don't want you to get to the point im at....take care, big hugs
Oh wow!! Virtual hugs to you @Beverley. I pray that one day you will be restored from all of the pain he caused you. Be strong and keep pushing forward.
 

Mango Chutney

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He’s a young, immature Tunisian boy who makes you feel young, attractive and interesting. But he sits in a coffee shop or in his bedroom with his phone in his hand taking great pleasure in the control and power he has over you. In his silly little world he is totally insignificant, he just one of many.
Yes, he is a nothing.....but Galleta, you make him feel all mighty and powerful by letting him control you this way.
My feelings for him are more complex
He is a stranger living in your phone. Would you let me manipulate you this way? Afterall....I am also a stranger on your phone.
He is a silly child playing a con game, he is not hard done by, just greedy and lazy. If you wanna see hard done by, Google poverty in India, in West Africa....they are the ones that deserve your time and compassion....not this dopey rodent, sat on his hairy ass, on a cheap, plastic coffee shop seat.
I wonder if there’s some way of making him regret even for a moment the fact that he’s treated me like this and is losing me
Hahahaha!!! No way, José!
He will regret losing the THINGS he might have got from you in the future, not you yourself, you are nothing but a potential provider, as was I and every other survivor :thumbsup:
 

Mystery

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I am married to one of the biggest disease in my life. I have lived with these kind of people for a very long time. To start with sorry but he won't miss you, he will miss the money or gifts you send him. He will not feel the same as you.
Your not his mother he will only love his real mother his blood family.
I can assure you he can walk away from you in a blink of an eye. The game he is playing is an emotional one sadly the hurt and pain is soley yours. You left yourself wide open to this man, he knows that you are suffering it should be proof enough for you that he don't care each time he blocks you. He will do it again and again.
He will marry his virgin queen and forget about you. It's time to stand up to him and tell him straight your not his fairy godmother he waved a wand and you appear. You should try block him first. If whatever this relationship is and I'm not in a position to question. However I seriously believe it's one sided.
Yes they are like a bad drug that you become addicted to, you need some sort of rehab and that's not going to happen till you go cold turkey.
I wish you well and understand how you feel .
 

Mango Chutney

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Your not his mother he will only love his real mother
Strange isn’t it. I am a mother to four cracking boys, and when they leave home, I will miss them dreadfully....but I will not be expecting them to message me frequently throughout the day, I would not expect them to ask me for extortionate volumes of cash....and I hope I’ve raised them right, so that they enter adult life and independence with pride, morals and a healthy work ethic.

I would not expect them to block me, because I refused to give them cash they were too bone idle to work for....and these are my sons, my blood, my everything!

Of course I am maternal, and I love my boys, but no maternal instinct would make me tolerate the control and manipulation, that this silly little coffee shop dossing rodent has over Galleta! He is just a stranger.

When I left my rat, I felt like I’d let him down, that I’d failed in my duty of care....because I had taken on quite a maternal role for this pathetic, useless, scamming kid.....but I lived with the freak....he didn’t just live in my phone.
I just don’t get it really.
 

Mystery

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Strange isn’t it. I am a mother to four cracking boys, and when they leave home, I will miss them dreadfully....but I will not be expecting them to message me frequently throughout the day, I would not expect them to ask me for extortionate volumes of cash....and I hope I’ve raised them right, so that they enter adult life and independence with pride, morals and a healthy work ethic.

I would not expect them to block me, because I refused to give them cash they were too bone idle to work for....and these are my sons, my blood, my everything!

Of course I am maternal, and I love my boys, but no maternal instinct would make me tolerate the control and manipulation, that this silly little coffee shop dossing rodent has over Galleta! He is just a stranger.

When I left my rat, I felt like I’d let him down, that I’d failed in my duty of care....because I had taken on quite a maternal role for this pathetic, useless, scamming kid.....but I lived with the freak....he didn’t just live in my phone.
I just don’t get it really.
Of course you brought them up to be good honest men. Sometimes they fall on bad luck and just maybe they will ask for a tenna or twenty and you will give it because your their mother.
That being said I have no doubt they would pay it back. This guy will never pay anything back, he's using her and laughing his head off about it.
I can picture it now with a swanky walk head up with the biggest grin on his face boasting to his mates. It's so sad when we know what they do.
We have lived it seen it first hand.
If she blocked him he will already have his next victim waiting therefore he won't even miss her.
Sad really.
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
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Hi, i'm sorry you are going through all these mixed emotions right now, i know its very confusing, and its hard to let go, but you have to find some inner strength and try break free from him,if you don't he will break you completely.
I thought id finally got rid of mine before Christmas, i felt strong,i stood my ground even when i was bombarded with every imaginable sob story, he even stooped so low as to tell me he was going blind, i almost fell for them, but knew in my head it was all lies....when i refused to send money, his attitude changed and he called me every name you can imagine and told me he was done with me and i would never hear from him again.... he blocked me for about 2 weeks and i thought great this is going to be the best Christmas ever with all my family, how wrong was I.....
Christmas Eve i received one message after the other from a number i didn't recognise, when i opened the messages it was him he had sent me pictures of him with other woman, even though i didn't want him, it hurt like hell, he knew exactly what he was doing, trying to ruin my family time, trying to make himself the focus of my thoughts, i blocked that number, but it didn't end, it was just the start, i received messages from so many numbers, insulting me, demanding money from me, that he owed them, telling me he was so ill and in hospital and what kind of person was i to let this happen, i was heartless and cold, one of his university lecturers even messaged me saying he owed him over 1,200 and i needed to send it to him immediately or they would hurt him, it was just constant all day, id close my phone at night only to wake up to sometimes 50/60 messages,i couldn't sleep or eat.. i thought i was going crazy.... i knew he was behind it all,i made a big mistake and called him, begging him to just leave me alone, he was making me ill and felt like i was having breakdown,i didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning... in the middle of me telling him all this, if you just send me £700, ill forgive you and everything will be ok, he then started telling me how much he loved me and missed me, and he only sent pics with other women to make me jealous,i felt sick inside.
I feel like i'm never going to be free from him, its a nightmare.
If you can please find a way to break free from him, the longer you leave it the harder it gets, the more hold he will have over you, from what i read he already knows he has you hooked and can control you just by blocking you, i know its hard and hurts, i don't want you to get to the point im at....take care, big hugs
:( Truly a hell, Hope you can get rid of him soon.
:Evil: It’s ok if someone beats him for not sending him money. You owe him 0 too bad we know that ain’t gonna happen it’s all part of their tricks. Big hug xx
 

Mango Chutney

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I don’t know how it works in our minds but the struggle is real. All of us that were or are online victims have been trough it, doubts, fear, serious co dependence, pain, sadness...
But your instance was different, you thought it was a relationship, you were planning a wedding, you were planning to go and meet him....you thought it was a genuine relationship, so in your instance, I understand more, but with Galetta’s rat, it’s just a friendship, he is a little boy that hasn’t declared love, asked for marriage, promised her a future....this is why I just don’t get it :confused:
 

AmberHeart

Lady Amberheart of Gafsa
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But your instance was different, you thought it was a relationship, you were planning a wedding, you were planning to go and meet him....you thought it was a genuine relationship, so in your instance, I understand more, but with Galetta’s rat, it’s just a friendship, he is a little boy that hasn’t declared love, asked for marriage, promised her a future....this is why I just don’t get it :confused:
And even this was my very embarrassing case :oops: making consciousness it wasn’t real, just an illusion made that next step possible. It’s very important to understand that indeed it doesn’t exist.
Even their supposedly friendship isn’t real it’s just the excuse to ask for favors whenever suits them.
 

Mango Chutney

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And even this was my very embarrassing case :oops: making consciousness it wasn’t real, just an illusion made that next step possible. It’s very important to understand that indeed it doesn’t exist.
Even their supposedly friendship isn’t real it’s just the excuse to ask for favors whenever suits them.
Yes, no love, no friendship albeit online or real life....it’s all about their own personal benefits.

Don’t feel so embarrassed, you thought it was a genuine LDR....these relationships exist and often work...but not in bezness.

Sure, there will be an element of embarrassment....I cringe every time I see the ugly kid I wasted time on...but I don’t feel embarrassed of myself, I loved and trusted, as did you.....I feel embarrassed OF him and FOR him ....he is a shameless prostitute with no prospects....a coffee shop whore.
 

AmberHeart

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Yes, no love, no friendship albeit online or real life....it’s all about their own personal benefits.

Don’t feel so embarrassed, you thought it was a genuine LDR....these relationships exist and often work...but not in bezness.

Sure, there will be an element of embarrassment....I cringe every time I see the ugly kid I wasted time on...but I don’t feel embarrassed of myself, I loved and trusted, as did you.....I feel embarrassed OF him and FOR him ....he is a shameless prostitute with no prospects....a coffee shop whore.
Absolutely right Miss Mango :love: xx
 

Brasilgirl

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So..you honestly think he wouldn’t miss me A bit if I left? Sorry if I sound so naive but I still feel there must be an ounce of humanity in there?
I’m pretty sure he’ll have someone else in your time slot in a matter of a few days.
This is a job to them. You are a mark. That’s it. Even if he hasn’t asked you for money or suggested he needs money. He knows he has you hooked now and his game will start to change.
 

Brasilgirl

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I just kinda realized why she's doing this... and I can only project my assumptions... but, here's this Tunisian rat that love bombs her, is very romantic, and they're so close, BUT there's no TRUE intimacy. Like, she's involved, and he's involved... they're both with or planning to be with other people. This relationship fills some sort of need to be needed, to be loved, to be given romance in a "safe but lacking intimacy" sort of way, while maintaining other areas of her life she is not addressing, like... why she is in such an unhappy situation, and why she has not looked at other areas of her life. I think this rat has become her ESCAPE, and so that's why he's so toxic and potent for her.

He's become her fast avenue to fill the void of her life privately, with full control, while not addressing other areas of her life that need to be looked at, so of course she will have a white knuckle grip on this guy. I'm no psychologist, but I can see why leaving her rat will cause her to not only let go of an easy and potent source of affection (that lacks true and honest intimacy), her feelings of comfort of always being able to return to this source of affection, but also her blindness towards other areas of her life that have caused her to end up in this situation.

So, this has been going on for 5 years. A very long time. We all know how powerful experts Tunisian rats are at "filling an emotional void by love bombing us"... providing affection and love we didn't even notice we wanted and needed, and then pulling the strings of control until they turn into the strategic, manipulative monsters they really are... this guy probably LOVES the fact that he has become such a permanent fixture in her life - it must boost his ego A LOT. And, these guys love the control, they expect the control.

So, anyways. I'm finished analyzing this from an amateur perspective. But, Galleta, if you haven't seen this for yourself, I think this guy is your escape from reality... and reality is calling you to return home now!
I don’t know that he ‘love bombs’ her, but I agree he fills a void. I know my rat filled a void in my life and I would have became friends without the love declarations, I know that. I needed someone to be there for me, even just to talk and listen. It is going to be really hard for her to let go without someone to fill in. I had a really hard time because I had no one to fill in. I became so lonely after and I did go back a couple of times, but each time I felt less. TLR was my vice. It still is especially for those low times.
Leaving the rat started a roller coaster of emotions for me. High ups and really really low downs. It eventually pretty much levelled off, after a year, but it still has a few bumps here and there. After five years, it’s not just leaving him that will be hard for her, it’s a big life style change.
 

Meis

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My feelings for him are more complex than the fact he makes me feel young and attractive ( although I won’t lie, maybe there’s a bit of that too) . I genuinely feel a connection and care for him so much on a non - physical level - maybe as a son ? I feel so protective over him and genuinely care for him on so many levels that I feel that playing a harder game on him and ignoring him completely will feel very uncomfortable for me and will hurt me as well.

I wonder if there’s some way of making him regret even for a moment the fact that he’s treated me like this and is losing me
No there is no way of making him feel like that
He will drop you like a stone
With no regret at all
Only regret he’ll have is that he never got more from you !!
Believe me they feel no empathy
It takes a long time to recover from men like this but you have to be strong now to avoid more pain in the future
 

Amira

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Thanks for this - apart from post it notes ... any practical tips to completely avoid him in evenings/ nights? In the day I’m fine but by now i get withdrawal symptoms - I really miss him and know I will fall again .
It takes a long time to recover from men like this but you have to be strong now to avoid more pain in the future
It is true but one sees things share very happy that I found this site because it has really opened my eyes and no we should not accept all of a man it is wrong.

Unfortunately, I think he makes fun of her as long as he knows she has feelings for him so he is one who exploits this and Tunisian men have no good reputation for what I have read would have been extremely skeptical if I became in love with a tuniser.
 

Mystery

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I really need to ask what are you hoping for the end goal ?
To continue with this man supporting him all his life ?. Your feelings for him is somewhat romantic. I will give you a suggestion, tell him your going to Tunisia to meet him and his family.
Instead of giving him money pay for a flight/hotel go there meet him see who he really is. Then you will have no doubts about this mother and son romantic relationship.
Go on a girls holiday to mahaban beach hotel sit and observe how they work, you will even get more than a mother and son relationship.
This guy been working on you for 5 years he can work on you for another 15 as long as he is getting some thing from you he will invest his time.
Seriously though your days are sat waiting for a message a call from this guy it's the highlight of your days. I don't know what country your from but if your in the UK we could go for a coffee I could show you the true extent of what a north African guy is all about the depth of pain they will put you through your hurting now from this guy but in real life your pain will be 3 fold.
They are con artists they can charm the pants off you. They know what you want to hear, he's a child block unblock Wtf it's a stupid childish game.
 
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